Yesterday, I called Dr. M's office to let them know that I had started and the nurse then told me that Dr. M wants to double the clomid for this cycle and I was forced to tell her that we (and by we, I mean my husband) have decided to take a break for a while. I explained that even though we had only been seeing them for 2 months we have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year and a half. She was really great and said that she understood and that many couples feel this way after the first few months, then told me that if I happen to be late any month just call and they would order a pregnancy test for me.
They are so sweet over there. By far the most accommodating and hard working Dr.'s and nurses that I have ever been involved with.
So, I guess that I should feel relieved that I don't have to remember to take my temp every morning, and count days, and pee on sticks, and hold my breath for days to see if I'll be pregnant...but I'm not. After I told the nurse that we were stopping, I just wanted to sit down in the school's lunch room (that is the only place my cell works at school) and cry and maybe have a temper tantrum. Seriously, I just feel like Jacob died all over again....empty...hopeless.
God love my husband, I know he is upset about it too and then having to go to the cemetery for my grandparent's funeral and see Jacob's burial place right next to my grandparents didn't make this any easier for anyone. So I'm keeping these emotions to myself. He said that he has to protect me, which is very chivalrous...he's my knight in shining armor, and I love him for it...but I'm not ready to stop trying.
If this is an exercises in submission, I am determined to pass with an A, so I will wait because he wants to wait, but everything inside me is screaming out to keep going...the what if's are enough to drive a person crazy. So, I'll add another row of stones to my wall and deal with it myself and hope that this too shall pass.
Have a Blessed Day...
April
P.S. Lauren, I'm so sorry sweetie...I know exactly how you are feeling and I hope that you keep trying and end in success. God Bless!!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
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5 comments:
Awww April, you made me cry! I know how you feel about wanting to throw a temper tantrum. I was soooo mad when I started this week. I was just mad at the world! I took a kickboxing class this morning, and I took some of my aggression out there. :o) I'll continue to pray for you, and I know God just has a different plan for both of us. I just wish I knew what he's trying to teach and prepare me for! Thank you for making my day! :o)
Kickboxing hu....now there's an idea!!! I could definately use some tension and stress releif right now!!!
Praying for your peace April. I'm sure you know that men are fix it people. I think the hardest thing for them is when we want something so badly and they can't figure out how to give it to us. And, maybe he's seeing something you can't see. I don't know about you, but I'm often blinded by raw emotion. sometimes, the person that loves us most, knows us better than we know ourselves.
I love you!
I love how honest you are. I'm so sorry you are hurting, I can't even begin to imagine what you must be feeling. I am praying for both you and your husband -- you're an inspiration to so many!
...I left you an award on my blog!
ok so submission? when did u ever use this word to describe yourself? I love you but isnt there a compromise?
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