Thank God for Snow...

Due to snow and super cold temperatures, school was cancelled this past Thursday and Friday...PRAISE GOD!!!

I love my job and my students, however challenging they may be, but little cashew is really kicking my behind. In other words the pregnancy and all of the accompanying "Fun" stuff is in full swing. But am I complaining...ABSOLUTELY NOT...well maybe a little. So I am grateful for the last three days that I have been able to do minimal duties and pretty much sit/lay around.

Before I move on, just a little sidebar. I was showing Tony the latest sonogram images of baby Cluck when he said "that kinda looks like a peanut or something". I responded "Yeah, I thought it looks kinda like a kidney bean..." Then Trystan in his laid back manner chimed in and said "or a cashew." Then Travis said "It would be kinda funny to name the baby cashew." We all laughed and there it is... so the baby shall be referred to as cashew until we either know the gender or maybe until birth...who knows.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. As I was sitting around and going about things like laundry that allow for intermittent breaks; I got to thinking about how excited and confident everyone around me is about this pregnancy and asking myself why I'm not feeling the same way. For example, Rick is ready to break out all of the baby furniture and set up the baby's room already and we have been given a beautiful high chair and bassinet already. Not that any of those things are bad or that I am unappreciative in any way. So what is with the Ughness that is me right now??

Now, it may have something to do with the constant flu like symptoms that have taken over my every thought, but it is more likely the loss of Jacob that has me in a cautiously optimistic state.

I can draw a definite differentiation between my last two pregnancies and this one so far...aside from the intolerable nausea and migraine like headaches; I wasn't worried. I think that when you haven't experienced a loss no matter how far along, you tend to just assume that if there's nothing going wrong then everything is fine...very logical. Yes that used to be me...NOW I'm like ok every thing's fine; until I go to the restroom and think please Lord, don't let there be anything red (Sorry...TMI). I am waiting for the shoe to drop. And here is the kicker...I'm really afraid that something bad is going to happen to me and Rick and Trystan will be left here to take care of each other...the thought is terrifying! Both of those fears are very illogical and not my normal train of thought, so I'm fairly certain that I may be going crazy. There is absolutely nothing going on that would point in the direction of anything going wrong, actually the sickness, however unfortunate it may be, is a sign that things are going right. ANd though I am on progesterone, I have had ZERO spotting, which is normal. Maybe I am going crazy...What do you think??? Those agreeing that I may be going crazy need not respond...LOL.

So, I am trying to force my way out of the worry and into the excited, but the nausea isn't really helping!!! It's like wearing a bright colored scarf with your outfit when your feeling blah. So here are my scarfs: I, of course, am praying for God to calm my nerves and fears...after all I asked for him to give us a child and even prayed specifically a child that BOTH Rick and I would be able to raise together in a loving and Christian home. God knows our prayers and desires and answers him according to His will...it is the His will part that leaves the loophole. AND I am living vicariously through all of those around me that are equipped with the positive pregnancy outlook. It doesn't seem like much, but that's what I've got.

Am I doubting God by worrying or in some way telling Him that I don't think He's strong enough to keep both me and the baby healthy and alive? I really hope not, because I know He is. So what is with this fear??? Do others who have experienced a loss or who maybe haven't experienced a loss, but have been trying for a long time and are finally pregnant feel this way too? Thoughts PLEASE!

To all of you who are trying to conceive or are currently pregnant...keep up the good work!!! I don't want anything that I post to scare or hinder you in your daily walk in anyway. This topic is just a topic that I am really feeling, but not with dread with curiosity and underlying hope.

Have a Blessed Day,
April

What To Do Now???

Yesterday, I called Dr. M's office to let them know that I had started and the nurse then told me that Dr. M wants to double the clomid for this cycle and I was forced to tell her that we (and by we, I mean my husband) have decided to take a break for a while. I explained that even though we had only been seeing them for 2 months we have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year and a half. She was really great and said that she understood and that many couples feel this way after the first few months, then told me that if I happen to be late any month just call and they would order a pregnancy test for me.

They are so sweet over there. By far the most accommodating and hard working Dr.'s and nurses that I have ever been involved with.

So, I guess that I should feel relieved that I don't have to remember to take my temp every morning, and count days, and pee on sticks, and hold my breath for days to see if I'll be pregnant...but I'm not. After I told the nurse that we were stopping, I just wanted to sit down in the school's lunch room (that is the only place my cell works at school) and cry and maybe have a temper tantrum. Seriously, I just feel like Jacob died all over again....empty...hopeless.

God love my husband, I know he is upset about it too and then having to go to the cemetery for my grandparent's funeral and see Jacob's burial place right next to my grandparents didn't make this any easier for anyone. So I'm keeping these emotions to myself. He said that he has to protect me, which is very chivalrous...he's my knight in shining armor, and I love him for it...but I'm not ready to stop trying.

If this is an exercises in submission, I am determined to pass with an A, so I will wait because he wants to wait, but everything inside me is screaming out to keep going...the what if's are enough to drive a person crazy. So, I'll add another row of stones to my wall and deal with it myself and hope that this too shall pass.

Have a Blessed Day...

April

P.S. Lauren, I'm so sorry sweetie...I know exactly how you are feeling and I hope that you keep trying and end in success. God Bless!!