Sunday, January 10, 2010

Thank God for Snow...

Due to snow and super cold temperatures, school was cancelled this past Thursday and Friday...PRAISE GOD!!!

I love my job and my students, however challenging they may be, but little cashew is really kicking my behind. In other words the pregnancy and all of the accompanying "Fun" stuff is in full swing. But am I complaining...ABSOLUTELY NOT...well maybe a little. So I am grateful for the last three days that I have been able to do minimal duties and pretty much sit/lay around.

Before I move on, just a little sidebar. I was showing Tony the latest sonogram images of baby Cluck when he said "that kinda looks like a peanut or something". I responded "Yeah, I thought it looks kinda like a kidney bean..." Then Trystan in his laid back manner chimed in and said "or a cashew." Then Travis said "It would be kinda funny to name the baby cashew." We all laughed and there it is... so the baby shall be referred to as cashew until we either know the gender or maybe until birth...who knows.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. As I was sitting around and going about things like laundry that allow for intermittent breaks; I got to thinking about how excited and confident everyone around me is about this pregnancy and asking myself why I'm not feeling the same way. For example, Rick is ready to break out all of the baby furniture and set up the baby's room already and we have been given a beautiful high chair and bassinet already. Not that any of those things are bad or that I am unappreciative in any way. So what is with the Ughness that is me right now??

Now, it may have something to do with the constant flu like symptoms that have taken over my every thought, but it is more likely the loss of Jacob that has me in a cautiously optimistic state.

I can draw a definite differentiation between my last two pregnancies and this one so far...aside from the intolerable nausea and migraine like headaches; I wasn't worried. I think that when you haven't experienced a loss no matter how far along, you tend to just assume that if there's nothing going wrong then everything is fine...very logical. Yes that used to be me...NOW I'm like ok every thing's fine; until I go to the restroom and think please Lord, don't let there be anything red (Sorry...TMI). I am waiting for the shoe to drop. And here is the kicker...I'm really afraid that something bad is going to happen to me and Rick and Trystan will be left here to take care of each other...the thought is terrifying! Both of those fears are very illogical and not my normal train of thought, so I'm fairly certain that I may be going crazy. There is absolutely nothing going on that would point in the direction of anything going wrong, actually the sickness, however unfortunate it may be, is a sign that things are going right. ANd though I am on progesterone, I have had ZERO spotting, which is normal. Maybe I am going crazy...What do you think??? Those agreeing that I may be going crazy need not respond...LOL.

So, I am trying to force my way out of the worry and into the excited, but the nausea isn't really helping!!! It's like wearing a bright colored scarf with your outfit when your feeling blah. So here are my scarfs: I, of course, am praying for God to calm my nerves and fears...after all I asked for him to give us a child and even prayed specifically a child that BOTH Rick and I would be able to raise together in a loving and Christian home. God knows our prayers and desires and answers him according to His is the His will part that leaves the loophole. AND I am living vicariously through all of those around me that are equipped with the positive pregnancy outlook. It doesn't seem like much, but that's what I've got.

Am I doubting God by worrying or in some way telling Him that I don't think He's strong enough to keep both me and the baby healthy and alive? I really hope not, because I know He is. So what is with this fear??? Do others who have experienced a loss or who maybe haven't experienced a loss, but have been trying for a long time and are finally pregnant feel this way too? Thoughts PLEASE!

To all of you who are trying to conceive or are currently pregnant...keep up the good work!!! I don't want anything that I post to scare or hinder you in your daily walk in anyway. This topic is just a topic that I am really feeling, but not with dread with curiosity and underlying hope.

Have a Blessed Day,

Friday, January 1, 2010

Blessings for a New Year...

Wow!! What a way to start out 2010, by being able to share a ginormous (Yes, that is a word and I think I have full copyrights to it...LOL) blessing with you.
God knows. He knows the path he has set before me and you and as a close friend often tells me, He knows the desires of our hearts. Yesterday, the desires of my heart were realized...

Yes, I am PREGNANT!!!!

I know right!!! We're SOOOOO excited and yet nervously reserved; well I'm nervously reserved and Mr. Happy Pants over here is shouting it from the rooftops!!!
Without further ado, here is the proof that God truly blesses and answers prayers.

Now for the narrative...

So as my husband asked back in Sept. after the last negative test from the fertility specialists came back, we stopped trying to conceive...I didn't even track my cycles. The holidays were on the way, school was insanely busy, Tj's sports schedule was ever growing and we were successfully able to forget about it. Actually, I had given my maternity clothes to an expectant co-worker, and I was trying to convince Rick to take the baby bed out of storage and utilize the frame for a full size head and foot board. I had told him that we needed to come to the realization that a baby may not be a part of God's plan for us, so we needed to get over it, move on, and make a fresh start.

The shopping commenced as Christmas approached, arrived, and passed. And we had a great time with friends and family. On Wednesday, the 30th, we both had new patient appointments as we had decided to switch general practitioners. So as we're driving, I was asking Rick if he though they would request any weird tests and then it occurred to me that they were probably going to ask when the first day of my last cycle was...and I had no idea. Yes, idea.

So we figured out that it was at Thanksgiving and that it had only lasted 2 I counted it out and discovered that I was 10 days late. Rick says "I thought so...but I didn't want to say anything." and I was like "No, I must have the times wrong, cuz I'm having faint cramps...I'm sure it's nothing". But in my head I'm thinking Wow, things are starting to add up here...sever tenderness in the chest for several weeks, headaches, backaches, light cramping...but no nausea...but I didn't have nausea with Tj...I don't think I counted wrong...what if..."!

So we get into Dr. B's and Rick is seeing her while I am seeing the NP. Heather. She is super nice and takes my temperature which registers at 99.3..."Well, that's a low grade fever...are you feeling ok?" she asks. "Yeah, I'm feeling fine"; but on the inside I'm thinking...Low grade temp...another sign...HOLY CRAP!!!". Then she starts the slew of questions and of course asks when my last period was, so I told her the whole two day period thing and "Oh yeah, I think I might be 10 days late". So she says, "Lets go ahead a do a test." and I'm like "Ok, but it'll probably be negative...we've seen a fertility specialist and it is highly unlikely." So I do the test and while the nurse is working on it, NP Heather asks about Jacob, and as I'm explaining what happens the nurse comes in and needs to see the NP. This gives me the perfect opportunity to pray. So I did, I prayed so hard asking God to bless us with a child, and to help us accept a negative result.

I'm not sure how long she was gone but it seemed like forever. NP Heather comes back in and says "Sorry, I had to take a phone call." So I said "No problem, I hope everything is alright." Then she says, "Well, that depends on you... because THE TEST IS POSITIVE...YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!!!" and places the test strip on the exam table.

I said..."What!!! Are you sure???!!!???...OH MY GOODNESS...THANK YOU LORD FOR ANSWERING OUR PRAYERS!!!" It was so funny. She was so excited to tell me the news...I think she may have been more excited than me to find out it was positive. She gave me a big hug and said..."Let's go tell your husband...I bet he'll be really excited." Rick was leaving the room just as we were and we kinda saw each other down the hallway and NP Heather yells out "She's Pregnant!!!" and Rick Just smiles and says "That's awesome...I knew it!!!"...Then my nerves set in. You know, the nerves like I'm not going to the bathroom again cuz I don't want to see red, kind of fun!!

I had some blood taken to confirm the pregnancy and yesterday morning I called Dr. M (fertility specialist) to share the news and of course she wanted to see me ASAP to do a sonogram and her own blood work.
I get to Dr. M's toting my nerves in a backpack with me...I get into the sonogram room and she's says "Ok, let's take a look." So I of course turn my head and say "I'll look when you tell me it's ok." her response was "Then look, because there's your baby..." a moment of shock and awe as time stands still for just a second and I look to see the image on the monitor...

It' is pretty early between 5 and 7 weeks, so there's no heartbeat yet. Both the amniotic sack and the yolk sack are present and in great shape. She said that everything looks good and we may be able to see a heartbeat next week. She started me on progesterone suppositories to keep the hormone levels up and support the pregnancy and I am to go back next Wednesday.
After much prayer and some things only God could bring about, Rick and I have agreed that we are going to seek the services of a different OBGYN this time around. This decision was difficult, but we are both at ease with the decision and it has made our family members feel much more comfortable as well.
I am calming down and accepting that God is in control and there is nothing that I can do to stay pregnant if that is not his will so I have to give the backpack of nerves to Him and let Him carry it for me. I know that I have had one possibly two miscarriages since Jacob's death, but we were not able to see anything on the monitor, so this is far beyond where we have been and I am feeling encouraged and optimistic that this is real and will continue to produce a living child.

I didn't want to tell anyone, but Rick wants to tell everyone. He says that "people knowing isn't going to make things better or worse and the more people we have praying the better" and I guess he's thank you for your prayers and you can mark this in your list as answered.

I will request that you continue to pray that my health and the health of this life in me will continue to grow and that we we will both be healthy and have long lives."

Of course this does mean that my weight loss resolution is on hold as I can't diet, but I will be exercising all suggestions for safe pregnancy workouts are welcome as well as healthy snacking and those can't live without maternity tips for clothing, hair, know anything. I am replacing the weight loss resolution with the stress free life resolution and will need your help...Oh and baby room suggestions are welcome too!!!
My next request is for my photography inclined friends out in blog world...This means you Dana and Jay!!!

In looking back on my time with Jacob, I am very regretful that I was too shy to step in front of the camera to track my Baby Belly...While I am still shy, I am determined to get over it and to memorialize as much as I can. I'd love some suggestions on poses and the like for pregnancy pictures if you are so included.
I had Rick take a picture of me to start things out, and next time he will have to make sure that my eyes aren't half closed and I don't have a half smile that makes me look half drugged!! It certainly isn't the most flattering picture of me, but oh well.
Have a Blessed Day and New Year!!!