Saturday, September 26, 2009

What To Do Now???

Yesterday, I called Dr. M's office to let them know that I had started and the nurse then told me that Dr. M wants to double the clomid for this cycle and I was forced to tell her that we (and by we, I mean my husband) have decided to take a break for a while. I explained that even though we had only been seeing them for 2 months we have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year and a half. She was really great and said that she understood and that many couples feel this way after the first few months, then told me that if I happen to be late any month just call and they would order a pregnancy test for me.

They are so sweet over there. By far the most accommodating and hard working Dr.'s and nurses that I have ever been involved with.

So, I guess that I should feel relieved that I don't have to remember to take my temp every morning, and count days, and pee on sticks, and hold my breath for days to see if I'll be pregnant...but I'm not. After I told the nurse that we were stopping, I just wanted to sit down in the school's lunch room (that is the only place my cell works at school) and cry and maybe have a temper tantrum. Seriously, I just feel like Jacob died all over again....empty...hopeless.

God love my husband, I know he is upset about it too and then having to go to the cemetery for my grandparent's funeral and see Jacob's burial place right next to my grandparents didn't make this any easier for anyone. So I'm keeping these emotions to myself. He said that he has to protect me, which is very chivalrous...he's my knight in shining armor, and I love him for it...but I'm not ready to stop trying.

If this is an exercises in submission, I am determined to pass with an A, so I will wait because he wants to wait, but everything inside me is screaming out to keep going...the what if's are enough to drive a person crazy. So, I'll add another row of stones to my wall and deal with it myself and hope that this too shall pass.

Have a Blessed Day...


P.S. Lauren, I'm so sorry sweetie...I know exactly how you are feeling and I hope that you keep trying and end in success. God Bless!!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

We'll Praise Him When We Win or When We Lose

The test came back negative today...then 15 minutes later I started. We, well I cried, for about 5 minutes then got up and started moving. It just isn't God's will right now...and that's ok.

Do we still want a baby...of course; but our lives are not empty without one. We have each other and we have our family. God has a plan and when I prayed for His will to take place in this situation I meant it. Me being pregnant right now is obviously not in His will and I have to accept it and then move on.

Are we going to try the IUI again??? Not right now. The doctor told us that antibodies make it difficult to become pregnant, not impossible. Nothing is impossible with God, so if I am to get pregnant, I will, with IUI or not. If in the future we feel that we should give it another try, then we will, but not now.

Are we going to give up no. If you knew me at all and I said yes we're giving up, you would laugh in my face...Neither of us give up, but we are going to turn it over to God completely.

So, we will praise God when we win and we will Praise God when we lose. Today we lost, but God is still mighty, amazing, all powerful, and worthy of all of our praise.

Have a Blessed Day!!


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Prayer Is A Powerful Resource

I feel that a repeat of an earlier pray is appropriate at this time and must praise God when I realized that a particular portion of this pray has been answered. All of my medical exams came back as they should and I am healthy.

Thank You Lord for that answered prayer and please hear this prayer again.

Please God, forgive me of my many sins and help me to choose a better

Please God, hear the prayers of my heart and take my fears away.

Please God, keep our family safe, together, healthy, and living for
you. Please God, don’t take me from my family.

Please God, fill the empty room down the hall with the gift of a

Please God, show my children that the proper result of pregnancy is not
death but life. Don’t let their last experience of Jacob be their only frame of
reference that may scare them into never wanting a family or children of their

Please God, fill the void I feel in my heart and in my arms with the gift
of a child. Please God, don’t leave empty the crib, car seat, stroller,
walker, swing, and bathtub that still lie unused in the loft of our garage. Fill
those items with a child’s coo, giggle, and cry.

Please God, give me the chance to see the look on my husband’s face as he
rocks our baby to sleep while singing a song, the smile on Trystan’s face as he
pick’s up a sibling so eager to be held, to see the smile and raised arms of a
child who just realized that mommy walked through the door; and let my ears hear
the ring of and excited “Mommy…” as a child runs to my arms. To see the healing
that will take place as my parents hold their grandchild and may it restore the
joy that they once held in you.

Please God, allow me to reach people with our story of Jacob, who is with
you; then allow me to be able to tell them of the blessings of the gift of a
child you sent to us after Jacob.

Please God, take away the feeling of uselessness as Trystan grows and needs
me far less than I need him. Take away the emptiness I feel when our house is
silent, void of the sounds of children.

Please God, help me to enjoy the new season of independence that Trystan
has entered instead of being consumed by missing his toddler days. Help me to
help him become the young man that you would have him to be.

Please God, help my doubt, my fear, and my impatience. Help me to remember
that my time is not your time; my ways are not your ways.

Please God, give me peace and joy in whatever result for my life that your
perfect plan holds.

Not my will Lord, but yours be done. Amen.

And thank you for all of your prayers in this matter. I am blessed to have such support in my life.

Have a Blessed Day!!


Monday, September 21, 2009

With GOD Nothing Shall Be Impossible...Luke 1:37

The test came back and...I need to go back on Wednesday and get tested again IF I haven't started yet.

The level was at 5.3 and anything under a 5 is negative so this is considered borderline.


Have a Blessed Day!

Cautiously Optimistic...Lord Calm My Nerves

This was a rough weekend of which I will explain in more detail when the events come to an end, but I am going to school and calling the doctor to schedule a blood pregnancy test.

God is hearing all of our prayers and maybe getting an ear full from both my grandpa and grandma who went home to be with our Lord this weekend.

Please pray that I do not start or spot, that I get the test and that it comes back positive, that I don't have a miscarriage, and that a healthy pregnancy will result in a healthy baby and mom!!! Oh and that I don't have a panic attack in the meantime...just thought I'd throw that in there too.

I am praying for all of you who are in the same boat that I am.

God Bless all of you and thank you for your prayers!!

Have a Blessed Day!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

What is the deal...Seriously

Just to let you know, this is a total vent session for me...and my feelings may be intensified due to the fact that I am tired and therefore grumpy.

Today, in one of my classes, I learned that a barely 16 year old in my school is PREGNANT. So again I ask, WHAT IS THE DEAL??? Even if I weren't trying everything in the doctor's power to get pregnant I would still be spitting fire right now. I mean what is with the world? Where are the parents? What is going on??? When is this going to stop??

I do realize that even with parental involvement kids will still make their own choices when parents aren't present, but @ 14 and 15 years old they should be worrying about getting their driver's licenses not how they are going to afford a baby and make it through to graduation. None of these kids, as far as I know, can afford their own cell phone, let alone a child.

Not only that but then when I had the girl in my class this afternoon, her friends were all like "Oh, I hope its a girl" and "Oh, look at your belly" etc...excuse me while I vomit.... So, of course, I pulled them aside and reminded them that the classroom is not the appropriate place to be discussing such matters, but what I wanted to say was not nearly that nice. The Lord was surely with me because if not I would have definitely let my opinions be known and would have probably gotten fired.

Last year one of the seniors got pregnant and downed a handful of BC pills to give herself a miscarriage and one of the juniors got pregnant and had an abortion. I am just really disgusted over the entire matter.

This type of behavior is effecting younger and younger some point the people in the generations are going to have to stand up and realize that the lives that their parents lived were not right and make better choices to put society back on track. If people would just open their bibles and read God's word and what He wants for us, how happy, safe, and content He wants us to be and just follow His requests, their lives would be so much better.

It just isn't that hard to do.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Be Carefull of What You Ask For...

In my last post, I said that I hoped to keep busy to avoid obsessing about whether or not I am pregnant...God answered.

On Wednesday, my mom had her gallbladder removed. She was sent home and everything was looking good. On Friday, I received a call in the middle of my 6th hour class saying that my mom was being rushed to the hospital by ambulance. I literally hung up on him and called our Principal to come and cover my classes then took off running out my classroom door.

I was so scared that I was getting ready to lose my Mom and was worried about my Dad driving the 35 or 40 miles from work to the hospital. He loves her so much and I knew that He would be feeling large amounts of guilt for going to work even though she had been fine for 2 days since the surgery.

My Mom and I have never been super close, and we don't see eye to eye on many, many things, but in that 7 mile drive from my school to the hospital, I felt sheer terror at the thought of loosing her. I believe that something in me changed at that moment; a transition from childish grudge holding over stupid things that happened in the past to a mature perspective of in the long run none of that crap (excuse my language) matters.

It turns out that she was having a complication from surgery and bile was leaking into her abdominal cavity and causing excruciating pain - yes, she was being very vocal when I got to the ER. Thank God for my Aunt, who stays home and was able to be there when my mom called 911 and stayed until she was transferred to a larger hospital in Springfield.

So, really really long story short. They inserted a drain tube through her liver to suction the bile out and ease the pain. She is still in the hospital and will have a scope procedure and either a stint will be put in to link the bile duct to the intestine or she will have to have surgery again to repair the leak. So my dad, my sister and me have been running back and forth in shifts to stay with my mom since Friday. I took the day off to be there during the procedure that was supposed to take place today, so my dad could go and get things arranged at work so he will be able to stay with her when she comes home. But the procedure was postponed until tomorrow...ugh

Did the Lord stop there...nope...He wanted to make sure I didn't have time to think about Grandpa, my Dad's Dad, has cancer and is not doing well. After being in the hospital for 2 weeks, he was sent home with hospice yesterday. He had a really bad day and night, and this morning wasn't much better. Now he is being transferred to the same nursing home that my grandma, his wife, is in. Is this it?? Will he ever come home again??

Please pray for my dad and his brothers. They are all very close to my grandpa and this loss is going to sever a portion of their hearts. As it is, I can barely look at my Dad if he ever talks about it for the pain in his eyes. Loosing Jacob was so hard, but I didn't even get to hold him while he was alive, I can't fathom what it is going to be like to loose a person who has been present your entire life, I think it will leave a gaping hole. We do know that G-pa is saved and will be returning home to Jesus and he will get to meet Jacob before any of us, but it will still be a huge loss to all of us, but especially to my dad and uncles.

In the midst of all of this I haven't really thought about the IUI or the fact that I could be pregnant, but I did manage to remember that I had to have a progesterone level test today to find out if I did in fact ovulate. Results are in and the nursed exact words were "April, your test came back positive and Dr.M said that you DEFINITELY ovulated." Ummm....OK...what does definitely mean??? I mean seriously, that's like saying the steaks are done or the steaks are DEFINITELY done...there is a difference. Did I have one really big egg or did I release multiple eggs??? Does that mean I had more of a chance of conceiving??? Hello...could you be a little more specific?? Of course I didn't say any of those things, but I was thinking them!!!

According to my cycle, I should start on the 19th, this Saturday. But the nurse said they will wait 2 weeks from the IUI procedure to do a blood pregnancy test, which lands on the 21st (two days after I should start), so PRAY that I don't start and the test comes back positive.

In the meantime, I'm not asking for any further occurrences to take place that would help me to not think about things. Tonight we have a sports meeting for Trystan, Tomorrow I have class, Wednesday is Church, Thursday I have my first test in my class...I've decided that I am busy enough!!!

Although, I am thanking God for showing me how important my Mom is to me even in the face of past hurts and future disagreements.

Have a Blessed Day!!


Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Please God....Let There Be Life

So...I could be pregnant right now. Yes, right now.

It is hard to describe what is going through my head; but truthfully I'm trying not to actively think about it. But it is there, always, lingering...what if??

So, me being the freak that I am, and I know that I am a freak, I analyze every pain, feeling, and hunger and compare it to the last pregnancies. Like "Oh, my lower back hurts, it's probably pms...I'm probably going to start my cycle soon" or "Geeze, I'm really tired, maybe I am pregnant." By the analyzing is done in my head so that my husband doesn't keep telling me that I can't let all of that stuff control don't tell him!! That part of my personality really drives him crazy, but he loves me anyway.

I am already really busy, so I keep myself preoccupied without much effort and I think that is for the best, otherwise I'd be on swagbucks researching myself to death.

Please pray that this round worked and that I am able to conceive and have a full, healthy pregnancy that result in a healthy and living baby. My husband taught our Sunday school class this past Sunday and one of the thing he said is that prayer is the most untapped resource we have and I am asking you to tap into it!!! God knows the desires of my heart and the hearts of all of His people and His timing is perfect, so I will trust in Him and in His timing; I just wish I had His watch!!!

Have a Blessed Day,


Friday, September 4, 2009

Good Lord, Help Me to Remember...Joyfully

My prayers of late have not revolved around a child lost or a child desired, but a man-child present. Trystan.

Trystan, Trystan, Trystan. WOW there is so much to say about my guy. I love him. There aren't even words to explain this...he holds my heart.

He drives me crazy. One minute he is asking how my day went while fixing me a drink at dinner time and the next he is bawling because he wants to do an assignment HIS way instead of the right way.

He is growing up to be a really good son, grandson, brother, and friend. He mows his Great Grandpa's lawn and tells him no when he tries to pay him for it. He hangs out with his big sister and his little brothers. He likes to go to lunch with his Grandma and fish and hunt with his Papa. He likes to fix things and wrestle with his Dad.

He still curls my hair in his fingers (like he did when he was a baby) if he is sitting by me while we're watching TV and he always calls me to say goodnight when he is staying at a friend's house...he even tells me he loves me.
He is soooo stuborn; but unyeilding in his beliefs and morals. He fights us tooth and nail about how things are supposed to be done and how he wants to do things, but he won't bend on his preferred bible even if they are using a different one at school.

Why all of this hulabaloo you ask...his first day of Junior High was last Thursday.

I know, right!! My baby...8lb 11oz, 20 inch long baby boy started Junior High AND he will be 13 in March. By the way, he is now measuring 5 foot even and will be nose to nose with me in only 3 inches!! Does anyone have a paper bag?!?!

Lord Help Me!

I know that all of you are laughing at me, and I am laughing too...NOW. But last Tuesday when I went to the orientation and met all of his new teachers, I thought I was going to have a panic attack and I cried the whole way home...seriously. But you'll be proud of me for what I did next...I sucked it up, put powder on to cover the tear marks, came into the house and told him how awesome Junior High is going to be this year. I saw the anxiety melt off of his face and he asked..."What do you mean?". Then I showed him all of the cool stuff that I got from the orientation. Then I waited until the next day to explain the new rules and work load!!
Needless to say the first week of school went off without a hitch. And on the second day he came home and told me how much he thinks he is going to like Junior High.

I guess I had built this milestone up in my head as some kind of doomsday. I kind of feel like my time is running out with him and if he doesn't need me anymore then what is my purpose??? I know, God will reveal that to me in His time, but while we are waiting, take a stroll down Trystan lane with me and you will see what I am remembering…and what I am so looking foward to.

I am blessed beyond all measure for God to have gifted me with this child, now a young man, as my son.

Have a Blessed Day!!


Thursday, September 3, 2009

How long is too long???

Ok, so as I am going to my college class tonight, I run into not 1, not 2, but 3 of my past students. This normally wouldn't be a bad thing, but as I saw the inevitable "Hey, Mrs. Cluck! Are you teaching out here? What's going on?" question coming; the feeling of impending doom set in as I had to, once again say "No I'm not teaching, I am actually taking classes....yeah I want to increase my certification level...ok, well, I better get to class...Have a great class and don't forget to study...bye"

Seriously, how embarrassing is it to be taking cl assess to earn a degree right along with the students that I taught in High School last year?? Thank the Lord that none of them are in my class, because I am pretty sure I would have to withdraw from the class!!

How is this possible...well, I'll tell you....I started out of High School at a communications company as a receptionist, then was promoted to a trainer. I trained state government and private companies on how to use their phone and voicemail systems. Then I moved to a technology training firm and became a Certified Technical Trainer. I took a huge number of tests on almost every program available and became a Master Instructor for Microsoft. Then I moved to a government office and became a network administrator, a fancy way of saying I controlled all of their computers. I also taught technology classes at our local community college for about 5 years. Yeah, I worked alot. I was a single mom for 6 years, so the extra money was needed. Then I was offered a job at a Career Center or Vocational Center teaching business classes to high school kids where I attained what is called a State Board of Education Vocational Teaching Certificate. The teaching certificate allows me to teach in a specialized field, meaning I can teach 6th -12 grade students as many classes related to technology as I want from accounting to graphic and website design, but I can't substitute for an English, history, or math teacher. Nope, I still didn't have a degree.

Then my position at CACC was reduced to part time due to funding, which was not good financially, and that is also the school year that Jacob passed, so when one of my friends called about the business and technology teacher opening at out local school district, I jumped right on it. I was hired and this will be my 2nd year at the school. I really love it!

So, yes I am a high school teacher with a teaching certificate and a ton of technical certifications, but without a "DEGREE". I don't feel that I am a bad teacher because of this fact, actually, I feel like I am better able to teach business classes having worked in the business world for so long before becoming a teacher. But I do feel lesser, personally, when I am in a group of my peers with 4 year degrees and I am not one of them and when my students ask me where I went to college and I have to change the subject. Hence my current enrollment in college. But really, when is it too late? At this rate I'll be trying to get my degree when Trystan, is enrolling in college or I might end up taking a class that is taught by a former student!!!

Lord, please light my path!!!

Have a Blessed Day!