Thursday, July 30, 2009

An easy way to toss the chemicals and go green...

If you have read my profile on the sidebar, you know that I was inspired to take the leap and start blogging by Dana at Thoughts on Life and Dirty Diapers. Dana is an awesome person whom I am lucky enough to be related to (she’s my husband’s cousin), but since visiting with her and her family in June, I have really grown to admire and love her.

Since then, I have also been inspired to rid my home of as many chemicals as possible and go green. PLEASE don’t turn up your nose at the Go Green movement, I’m not a fanatic and neither is Dana. She tries to use as many chemical free products as possible while still being frugal and realistic. She is very down to earth…pardon the pun.

She has fought endometriosis for most of her life and those effects and symptoms have been largely alleviated through removing the chemicals from her home. Aside from that, who doesn’t want a healthy and clean home for their kids; and after reading an article on what kind of effects chemicals have on our children that can be found here, I was sold. Plus most of the natural and homemade products cost sooo much less than their chemical counterparts. If you have been teetering on this decision please read the following entries to her blog here and here.

So, go check out Thoughts on Life and Dirty Diapers, where Dana just happens to be holding a giveaway that might just kick start your chemical free home.

Have a Blessed Day!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Call To Prayer...A Mom in Need

Have you ever felt like your world is going down an endless downward spiral?? I have, and for the past few days another mom blogger has been on my mind and in my heart. Her name is Emily and she is over at Mumblings from Troy Ohio.

I'm not sure how Emily found my blog, but she left a comment on my Why Ask Why post. From her comment I linked to her blog and started reading. What I found both touched and shocked me. See Emily had lost her baby girl, Leila, at 20 weeks and she was already blogging about what she was going through. It took me a year and a half to take that step. Emily has a husband and a little boy, Andrew, who are also dealing with the grief of loosing little Leila.

My call to you is to pray for her, send her a kind or encouraging word, let her know that she is not alone.

When I first "met" Emily, she was walking close to Jesus, leaning on Him for strength and there were glimpses of light in the darkness. But over the past weeks of following Emily, I am reminded of the many emotions that I went through right after Jacob's death and the fears of facing people. Of people looking at me and whispering to the person next to them, "hey, there's that lady who's baby died." I know too well how easy it is to let the darkness and despair come over you. The emotions are sometimes so overwhelming and it is so easy to just let the sadness overtake you and put you in a place where nothing else matters. She and her family need our prayers.

Emily, if you are reading this; here is my prayer for you...

Dear Lord, PLEASE hear my prayer for a friend that I have never met. I know that you are there with her and that you share her pain.

Please Lord, put your protective arms around Emily and infuse her with the strength that she needs. Whisper to her heart that you are there and that you hold her perfect Leila in your arms just as you are holding her.

Please Lord take her pain away and replace it with the knowledge that she will see her little girl again and with the hope that in time she will understand your ways. Let her know that she is loved and feel that she is needed.

Please Lord, lay it on other's heart to pray for her, to reach out to her and her family. Send her a person who will help her to laugh again as you sent those to me. Give that person the strength to pull her up by her bootstraps and show her how to walk again.

Please Lord, help her to overcome the fear and sadness that threaten to overcome her. Help her to open her eyes and look into the eyes of her family and know that they need her.

Please Lord, call her close to you that she may feel peace in a raging storm.

Psalms 34:4: "I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears."

Have a Blessed Day...

Thursday, July 23, 2009

My Lord...Where there's His will; He will make a way.

I had been raised catholic my whole life, but always had so many questions. As a matter of fact, I was kicked out of CCD (catholic bible study) when I was in 1st or 2nd grade because of my relentless questions. Hilarious...I know!

Anyway, when Rick and my dad became friends; they went on several hunting trips in Rick's hometown. On one particular hunting trip, Rick's family invited my parents to their church, Fellowship Baptist Church, in Galatia. My dad, being catholic his entire life was a bit apprehensive, but manners and a fear of hurting his friends won out and my parents attended the service. From that moment on, all of our lives took a turn down God's path or the path he had for us. It is from that point that we can almost make a road map of the happenings that brought Rick and I together as husband and wife. Most important of all though is that my dad accepted Christ, then Trystan, my sister, my mom, and last but not least me.

In the meantime, our family found our wonderful church, First Baptist Church of Morrisonville. We joined the church and tried to serve in whatever capacity that we could. Shortly after we joined the church Rick confided in me that he really felt like he was called to be a preacher and boy was I blown away. I was like "Hey, that's great for you, but I don't think I'm cut out to be a pastor's wife. But where you go, I go." After doing some research and speaking to a few pastors, Rick soon came to find that because of his divorce, it would be against scripture for him to be in the role of a pastor or a deacon over a church. Scripture says that pastors and deacons are to be men of one wife. Now, this can be interpreted in a different way because in that time it was common for men to have several wives, but Rick feels that the scripture is pretty wife = one wife.

I was disturbed by this because I felt that maybe he wasn't able to fulfill God's plan for him because he married me, but the wonderful husband that Rick is, comforted me and assured me that I am his chosen wife by God and it was his mistake by not waiting for me that has placed this restriction on him. Of course, I still felt bad about the situation but I really liked his answer. And together we accepted the restriction and prayed for a way to serve.

After a year of helping out here and there, Rick and I were asked to be permanent helpers in the Teen Youth Group. We have been serving and learning under the Asst. Pastor and his wife for almost four years now. While the teens are challenging due to the issues that they face everyday and the huge temptations that they struggle with, we were happy and contented there. They were all with us as we learned, when we lost Jacob, and as we continued on in grief. They saw us come out of it and find joy in what God has given and taken away. They were a very large part of our lives and we loved them.

About 5 or 6 months ago Rick began praying about serving in a larger capacity and being given more opportunities to teach God's word. I joined his cause in prayer about 3 months ago. I just really feel that Rick has such a burden for people and their souls and that he has so much to offer. We never mentioned any of this to anyone and we really had no idea how or even if this prayer would be answered. Since I started my blog, I've been trying to convince him to start one too. He is always coming home and saying that he preached a really good message in his mind. So I'm trying to get him to put the messages to electronic paper because you don't have to be a pastor of a church to preach a message that will help someone, but he hasn't taken the step yet. However, he did write a salvation message which we put into a brochure format. You will find the link to it on my side bar under "Are you sure where your eternity lies?" and it would be great if you would check it out and let us know what you think.

So last Sunday, when our Asst. Pastor came to Rick and told him that our Pastor had been praying for several months for a couple to take over the Kings Kids ministry, Rick automatically assumed the he and his wife would be moving into that role and the we would continue on helping whoever moved into the Teens role. So imagine Rick's surprise when Asst. Pastor said that Rick and I were the couple that had been brought to their minds several times over the last months. AND they wanted to know if we accepted the position if we could start the next Wednesday...yes yesterday.

Ok, so Rick was shocked and excited, but I was flabbergasted. Our Pastor has been sick with mono and had to have his gallbladder removed so has been out of services for going on 2 weeks, and when Rick told me that they wanted us to do the Wednesday service, I thought he meant just to fill in until Pastor returns to which Rick said "No, it would be our ministry...we would be taking over the Kings Kids Ministry...permanently" I just kind of sat there and tried to process the information. First I was mean the smaller kids?? (If you don't understand why I say that, you should go back a read my last post!!) Then I said, "We, can't say No, God just answered our prayers". So we accepted the offer!!!

Don't get me wrong, it isn't that we weren't excited, but it just wasn't the answer that we thought we'd get. We really thought we would be with the teens and possibly take that group over sometime in the future. And it is a bitter sweet transition into a ministry of our own where we have control of ...everything from a role of limited control but great fellowship with Asst. Pastor & his wife and all of the teens. And it happened fast only 2 days before our first night and that isn't a lot of time.

Last night was the first night of us taking over and it went off without a hitch. There are normally 50+ 2nd through 6th graders, but we only had 35 due to the local town picnic / carnival. We had been warned that 90% of the kids are community kids and usually have not so good behavior. We had ZERO problems with the kids. They listened during the lesson, participated in all of the activities, and left with smiles on their faces. It was absolutely wonderful and Rick did a great job teaching the message. We also have several workers that are helping us pull everything together and make everything flow, so we are blessed in that aspect as well. If anyone has any tips, tricks, or fun activities to share, please leave a comment or e-mail me at

Last night, after we got home, I just sat on our bed and told Rick that I need to find a way to take the picture that I had painted in my mind of my life and how it was going to turn out and throw it out the window, never to be seen again. As of right now, the only thing that I had planned and that has come to pass is marrying a wonderful man. I didn't plan to have a child out of wedlock and be a single mother, or marry a guy with three kids who feels a need to be a preacher, or deal with an evil ex-wife, or apologize to said evil ex-wife, or to loose a beautiful child only 7 days before his expected birth, or to be blogging about said unplanned life, nor did I ever expect that we would be running a children's ministry. But I wouldn't trade this life in for the imagined life if I was given the chance...well maybe the evil ex-wife...but who's keeping track!!

Where God has a will, He will make a way. We never thought we would be able to handle loosing a child, we are handling it. We never thought we would work in a youth ministry, we did. We definitely didn't think we would be offered a children's ministry of our own, were were. And we didn't think that Rick would be preaching or teaching God's word, but he is and now he is doing it weekly. Where God has a will, He will make a way.

PLEASE pray that everything continues to go well. It is my experience that with change comes resistance and we have already met with some resistance since last night. The change took place very quickly since our Pastor is still recovering from surgery and isn't present in the church. And while we were not looking for a specific position to move into, there usually is a person or persons who have their eyes on a job or position if there is a future opening and ultimately they are either hurt or angry that they don't get asked to fill the position. That is a prime situation for Satan to work and cause a problems or even to split a church. So we are praying and I am asking you to pray that God's will is done and that the decisions are accepted even if the preferred notification process didn't take place.

I feel that God does have plans for us and that this blog and our new ministry will groom us and teach us what we need to know so that we will be ready when God opens His next door. Eventually, I hope that God opens the door for me to either write or contribute to a Christian book of some kind, that I may be able to speak and tell our story in other Christian venues, and that Rick would also be able to speak at conferences or as a guest speaker in other churches or Christian venues. I pray that these are desires that God has placed in my heart and that they are not self-serving. Starting this blog and seeing the response that has been shown has only encouraged me to continue to pray that God will open the doors for these opportunities to serve and to help others.

Have a Blessed Day!!


Monday, July 20, 2009

Excuse me...Eve, but I've got a bone to pick with you.

SO, why couldn't Eve just see the slithering serpent for the snake that he was? Seriously, just say NO. We could have had perfect bodies, perfect cycles, perfect hormones, and no pain during childbirth, not to mention the opportunity to live in perfect harmony with God himself.

If you have read any of my prior posts, you know that my husband and I are trying to conceive. It has been a year and no luck. In October of last year I had a miscarriage and since January I have been tracking my cycles and taking notes on my symptoms during the cycle, just in case they would make different to Dr.R. And after reviewing my notes she said that she was 98% sure that I had had a 2nd miscarriage last month. I had figured that, but I did not take a test because, well I didn't want to.

Of course the primary reason for me wanting to attend this appointment is that I want know what is going on. I have never had any difficulty becoming pregnant before, however I have never tried to get pregnant before either. Both of my boys were a surprise and having only a 50% success rate in giving birth to a healthy baby, I am overly concerned that something is wrong with me. By making my symptoms known, perhaps I will be helping someone who is going through a similar situation.

At first, Dr. R, agreeing that something was off and said that I could go right to a reproductive endocrinologist (fertility doctor) or we could look into progesterone therapy. Progesterone is the hormone that thickens the lining of the uterus and holds a pregnancy, among other things. Then she asked about any other symptoms that were concerning me. To which I responded by telling her that I am tired, but have a hard time sleeping (I toss and turn and am up 2 or 3 times a night). Since Jacob's death, I have had acne, which I have NEVER had before. And...the worst of all...over the last few months, I have begun to notice that I have facial embarrassing. I believe at that time I was ready to crawl under the exam table, but Dr. R is great and as soon as I mentioned the eyes popped and she said "I think I know what's going on here". Then proceeded to tell me about Polycystic Ovary Syndrome or PCOS. A hormone imbalance where one hormone is off which throws all of the other hormones off and ultimately your body stops ovulating or only ovulates sporadically. Usually women with this condition don't have periods during the months that they don't ovulate, but there is a small percentage of women who continue to have their period regardless of whether or not they ovulate. We know that I am ovulating at least part of the time because of the miscarriages, but my symptoms do match up to the PCOS symptoms.

I placed a link about PCOS on Women's WebMD a paragraph up, but I want to go ahead and list the main symptoms here:
  1. Acne
  2. Weight gain or trouble loosing weight
  3. Extra hair on face or body
  4. Thinning hair on scalp
  5. Irregular periods. Often women with PCOS have fewer than nine periods a year. Some women have no periods. Others have very heavy bleeding.
  6. Fertility problems
  7. Depression

I have all but two of the symptoms, thinning hair and depression. I already mentioned the acne, facial hair, and infertility, but I also can't loose weight. Since January, I have worked out for four or five days out of the week consistently and really changed the way we eat and I have only lost five, yes five pounds. It is really ridiculous and extremely frustrating. I have also continued to have monthly periods, some very light and some very heavy; some on time and some early.

Since Dr. R can't definitively diagnose infertility issues, she referred me to the specialist and Rick and I agreed that we should see Dr. M on August 5th and find out exactly what is going on. It just seems really backwards to me that I have had two children and NOW I have to go to a fertility specialist. Logically, I can't find a reason for this to be happening, but MAYBE God wants me to be able to relate to a more diverse group of people in order to spread His message of life. I think that sounds good, and I'm gonna go head and go with that!

Have a Blessed Day!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

What do you mean wait? Haven't you heard of INSTANT gratification?!

Ok, so I'll admit that I am not the most patient of women...I can hear my husband laughing at that comment...hysterically. I expect results and I like things to be completed and completed correctly. There's nothing wrong with that, right?

When I am in front of a class full of students, teaching, and there are a thousand questions, I have no problem with patience. When a student doesn't bring in their assignment for the 3rd day in a row; I had patience the first two days, now it's gone. When my children ignore me after I ask them to do patience. When I have to wait on an item that I really want, patience leaves quickly. That is why I work with computers and technology...I hit a button and results follow waiting required.

My husband recently taught a lesson in VBS about Abraham and Isaac and in his message he touched briefly upon how long Abraham waited for his promised son Isaac. God first came to him with the promise of Isaac when Abraham was 75 years old and Isaac was born when Abraham was 100 years old. By my calculations, that is 25 years. Wow, that is a long time to wait for anything, let alone a promised child. I'm not so sure that I would be able to hold out that long.

Though Abraham and Sarah's faith did not falter, their obedience and patience did, resulting in the birth of Ishmael...a child, but not their child and not the child promised of God. This disobedience opened up a whole new can of worms that I won't get into now...and I'd like to avoid any more drama in my life!

As I listened to my husband, I couldn't help but draw a parallel between the situation that I currently find myself in and what Abraham and Sara went through...with a few variances of course. God didn't come to me and promise a child that will produce many nations...Although I often tell my husband that I wish God would just come and tell me what to do, so I can follow His known will instead of fumbling around and messing things up. That would be so much easier!

Anyway, the most apparent similarity is that I am waiting for God to send us a child, and waiting and waiting and waiting. Why the waiting is so difficult, aside from Jacob's death, is that I really haven't had to wait in this area before. Trystan was a complete surprise and Jacob was wanted, but conceived way earlier than doctor's expected....see no waiting.

It has been 17 months since Jacob's death; we have been "trying" to conceive for 14 months, and I have had one confirmed but we suspect two miscarriages. So, what's the deal??? Why the wait??? Come on Lord, I am 30, the clock is ticking...and in rushes the fear. What if something is wrong? What if I can't get pregnant? I'm not ready to be without a child yet, I only have six active parenting years left with Trystan....Hold on, I need a paper bag!!!

This is where I have to catch my breath and TRY to turn to scripture...and then remember my husband telling me that God does talk to us, but we have to read His words to find His messages.

Psalms 27:14 says "Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall
strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD."

Psalms 33:20 says "Our soul waiteth for the LORD: he is our help and our

Psalms 37:7 says "Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not
thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who
bringeth wicked devices to pass."

So, maybe what is expected of me at this time is obedience. Obedience to wait on God. This is proving to be a difficult task for me. But really, I have no choice but to wait. Obviously, I can't make myself become pregnant or we wouldn't be having this discussion, nor would I be hyperventilating. So maybe it is the manner in which I wait or the attitude that I have while waiting that needs attention.

Though difficult at times, I can control what I focus on while waiting. I can push the negative thoughts away and lay my fears at God's feet. I can read God's word and PRAY. I can trust in God and His promises; and so can you.

Have a Blessed Day!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Mirror, Mirror

Last night at 2:30am, because I can’t sleep …ever, I was up watching You’ve Got Mail with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. A very cute movie…anyway in the movie Hank’s character Joe Fox is in the midst of regretting a particularly mean comment that he made to Ryan’s character and says something like…have you ever felt like a relationship is bringing out the worst in you?

That one comment got me thinking and I realized that it is very possible that the best thing to happen to me has very possibly brought out the worst in my personality. But why??

If you have read my first entry, about Jacob, I briefly introduce our family makeup. But let me give you a little more background. I had Trystan soon after graduating from High School and was a single mother. I worked full time, put myself through school, bought my first house, and ultimately proved to myself that I was able to take care of Trystan and myself independently, but I longed for True Love. You know the kind that takes your breath away and you just know that he is your knight in shining armor. Trystan would sometimes, not often; but enough to make me cringe ask when God was going to send him a dad and me a husband, and I would respond to him by saying I didn’t know but we just had to keep praying. My parents were and still are very involved in Trystan’s life, so he by no means was missing a father figure, because my dad is absolutely awesome and filled that role in his life. But neither if us felt that our home was complete.

Rick entered our lives in the form of a friend of my dad’s from work when Trystan was 3 or 4 years old. Trystan absolutely loved him from the first time they met. My mom kept Trystan while I was at work, so often times Rick would be there eating dinner when I got home from work and came to pick Trystan up. So the extent of our interaction with each other was “Hi, how are you?” and “Fine thanks, how about you?” But my dad and Rick were very close friends and did a lot of guy stuff together. You know hunting, fishing, shooting bows, etc… Rick was still married at this time and I somewhat knew of his troubled marriage through my dad. But I was more like, wow he’s such a nice guy and that’s too bad, I hope things work out. As years passed, I remained alone; I went of a few dates, but nothing worked out.

I guess Trystan was 6 years old (I place events in a timeline of his life) when my parents convinced me to attend a camping trip at Rick’s parent’s campground. My parents and Ricks parents had met through Rick and had become very good friends. Anyway, that weekend is when I learned that Rick was separated from his wife and that due to indiscretions on her part, he had asked for a divorce. Please know that I had never had any romantic interest in Rick and actually avoided him like the plague because he was married and I didn’t want any part of something like that. But I did know through conversations with my parents that we had a lot in common, so when we were around each other we had many things to talk about like BASEBALL, music, kids, etc…but nothing more detailed than that.

Anyway to make a long story short, that weekend, he taught me how to drive a 4-wheeler, which is very fun, and once I got the hang of it, I took the drivers seat in front and he took the passenger seat. After I had driven us through the mud and many briar bushes, I came to an opening in the woods to a field that was filled with golden wheat or golden weeds, I’m not sure which, but it was really pretty in the afternoon sun. So I stopped the 4-wheeler and Rick noticed that I had a cut on my left arm from one of the briars. He no more than took my arm and with his thumb wiped the blood from the cut and I swear it was like the sky parted and the rays of God shone down you know the “aaaaaa…..” effect and I knew that I was going to marry him. I was shaken to my core, but I knew that this was the man God had chosen for me. I know it sounds silly but that is really what happened. He and I did keep in contact after the camping trip, but things were never inappropriate. He was officially divorced soon after the trip, and our relationship grew and we were married about six months later.

This relationship is the best thing in my life and I love my husband dearly. I love Rick’s kids and have considered them my own as he has done with Trystan. Last year, Rick adopted Trystan and we were all ecstatic. All four of our kids get along and three of the four are very close to each other. I have always made an effort to make sure no one was treated different and I never referred to them as step-children. I had worked hard to build a relationship with all of them and our daughter and I were very close. Rick and his ex share joint custody and have almost equal time with the kids. During the school year we have them every weekend and during the summer we have them during the week days, and holidays are alternated.

On the other hand, the side effects from this wonderful union of our families have not been absent and I believe that the constant “On Guard” status in my life has brought out the worst in me. In five years we have been through 3 court battles and rampages of difficulties have risen from his not- so- nice ex. It is a constant battle between our house and her house. Shortly after Jacob’s death, which was bad enough, his ex picked up the kids and without telling him or the kids moved them 3 hours away. Rick didn’t even know that they had moved until their school called and told him that they were no longer enrolled. I know … minus all of the extremely gory details, that is who I am dealing with.

Most recently, I discovered by following a trail of lies, that our daughter, my one girl that I had prayed to be close to and with whom I loved to share girl time, had been lying about me to her “real” mom and had been pitting us with lies against each other for quite sometime. Now, our relationship with all of the kids has not been without bumps as is the nature of dealing with two polar opposite households. One of which is a Christian home with rules and expectations and the other is absolutely not.

Over the past 5 years, through the obstacles of dealing with court, family criticism, persistent bad mouthing from his ex, and a constant supply of negative news from the kids, I have grown a real and obvious contempt for this woman. I have even openly voiced my severe dislike for her and her actions in front of the kids on several occasions. A HUGE mistake for which I have apologized for and asked forgiveness for from the kids. I am not without weakness and she is my thorn in the flesh for sure.

However, after my discovery of these really mean lies, I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I had been wronged, yes, but moreover, I had wronged this woman by really hating her for reasons that I was no longer sure were true. What to do…now. Obviously my relationship with our daughter is all but ruined as I cannot trust her and my heart is broken at the loss of this relationship that I prayed for, for so long. But the next thing I did was to remember something that my pastor and friend had shared with me about a month earlier and that is that it doesn’t matter what other people say about us as long as we and God know that we are in the right. I am not responsible for what Rick’s ex says about me or what our daughter says, but I am responsible for my actions and reactions towards those people.

So what I did next was maybe the next hardest thing I have ever done, aside from losing Jacob. I called Rick’s ex and apologized to her. Yes, you read right. I apologized to her for my actions and reactions to information that I received regarding her. Whether true or not, my actions, words, and thoughts about her were wrong. I did explain what I had found out about our/her daughter to which she replied “I know, she’s been doing that for a long time.” Okay, well …even if the outcome was not what I had hoped for, I did what was expected of me by God.

Since then, which was only about a month ago, I still have not received an apology from our daughter, nor do I expect one any time soon, and I am trying to put the anger, betrayal, and bitterness of the past 5 years behind me, but I am having a difficult time with it. So, how do I replace the worst aspects of my personality, like the competitiveness to be the best, the judging my house compared to her house, and the me against her mentality to rest?? That I don’t have the answer to, but I am working on it…any suggestions would be appreciated.

Through this continuing experience, I pray that all of our children will wait on God to show them their true mates. That they will not have to deal with the devastation of divorce in their own relationships and so that their children will not have to deal with the repercussions either.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Please God...

Please God, forgive me of my many sins and help me to choose a better path.

Please God, hear the prayers of my heart and take my fears away.

Please God, keep our family safe, together, healthy, and living for you.

Please God, don’t take me from my family.

Please God, fill the empty room down the hall with the gift of a child.

Please God, show my children that the proper result of pregnancy is not death but life. Don’t let their last experience of Jacob be their only frame of reference that may scare them into never wanting a family or children of their own.

Please God, fill the void I feel in my heart and in my arms with the gift of a child.

Please God, don’t leave empty the crib, car seat, stroller, walker, swing, and bathtub that still lie unused in the loft of our garage. Fill those items with a child’s coo, giggle, and cry.

Please God, give me the chance to see the look on my husband’s face as he rocks our baby to sleep while singing a song, the smile on Trystan’s face as he pick’s up a sibling so eager to be held, to see the smile and raised arms of a child who just realized that mommy walked through the door; and let my ears hear the ring of and excited “Mommy…” as a child runs to my arms. To see the healing that will take place as my parents hold their grandchild and may it restore the joy that they once held in you.

Please God, allow me to reach people with our story of Jacob, who is with you; then allow me to be able to tell them of the blessings of the gift of a child you sent to us after Jacob.

Please God, take away the feeling of uselessness as Trystan grows and needs me far less than I desire. Take away the emptiness I feel when our house is silent, void of the sounds of children.

Please God, help me to enjoy the new season of independence that Trystan has entered instead of being consumed by missing his toddler days. Help me to help him become the young man that you would have him to be.

Please God, place your hands on my Dr. as she examines me and reviews the last year’s activities. Please let the result be that nothing is wrong with me, that I am healthy, and that I can conceive again and give birth to a healthy, living child that will be raised by both parents, together, in a loving and faithful home.

Please God, help my doubt, my fear, and my impatience. Help me to remember that my time is not your time; my ways are not your ways.

Please God, give me peace and joy in whatever result for my life that your perfect plan holds.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Why Ask Why???

Recently, one of Rick's co-workers lost his 3 year old son, William. Long story short, I prayed for the courage to go to this woman, whom I didn't know and somehow help her. When I did, this woman literally grabbed a hold of my shoulders and begged me through her tears, to tell her how she was supposed to do this - how did I still breath??

Intense....yeah a little!!

But these are questions that I get asked often and here are my answers...

- I simply refuse to ask why.

Rick took the week after Jacob's death off so that we could be together and because I was recovering from the c-section and wasn't supposed to do much. The week went well and we definitely needed that time. But the Sunday before he was to return to work I had a complete melt down. I am not by nature a crier, nor do I usually loose my wits, but that day I did. After we returned from church, I curled up in bed with a picture of Jacob and sobbed myself sick refusing to speak to anyone. I kind of went into a downward spiral of hows and whys. And in the process I managed to scare Rick so much that he took a second week off of work - Poor Guy. Once I regained my composure, I realized just how much I had disturbed him and the kids and that is when I refused to ask why.

In the hospital, I kept telling myself and everyone else that God had a reason to take Jacob. I'm not quite sure if I was trying to put others at ease or just trying to convince myself - but never the less it is true. There is a reason.

""For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My
ways,” says the LORD." Isaiah 55:8

There is NOTHING I could research, remember, somehow find logic or blame in, that will change what happened. I refuse to torture myself and my family by asking why. Besides, as time passes I can see good things that have come of Jacob's death.

- I focus on the husband and children that are here and need me.

The day we returned home, babyless, from the hospital; I cried at the site of a room void of baby paraphernalia and thanked God that I had decided to leave the car seat at home that horrible day. But when Trystan walked in from school and said "Hey, mom..." like he always does, it just clicked with me that HE needed me more than I needed to break down. So I gave him a huge hug and said a silent prayer thanking God for giving this precious boy to me. Then I asked if he had any homework. ;-)

- I asked my husband not to leave me alone.

Not physically, but emotionally. This was a large step for me because I usually internalize things and try to deal myself. But more than anything I needed Rick and I audibly asked for him. I needed to know that I wasn't going crazy and if I was that I wouldn't be alone when I got there! I needed to know that he was feeling something similar to what I was feeling. Thankfully, he answered. So many relationships are torn apart by loss. That is not what God wants and I refused to allow that to happen to us.

- We leaned completely on God.

I remember sitting in the bathtub night after night and Rick sitting beside the tub reading scripture, then us praying, talking about all of the ways God was providing for us through others, and wondering what good would appear through Jacob's death ...and yes, I made a list!!!

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." James 1:17

  1. Shortly after Jacob's death, one of my best friends, who I had spent 3 years praying for, came to me and wanted understand why I was able to continue in faith after losing my baby. I showed her and that night she accepted Christ as her savior. BECAUSE OF JACOB'S DEATH.
  2. Rick and I gave new meaning to the saying anything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger. BECAUSE OF JACOB'S DEATH.
  3. Our children saw and still see how we relied on God through the pain. BECAUSE OF JACOB'S DEATH.
  4. Several of the teens in our youth group shared with us that the were contemplating leaving the group because of peer pressure or that they weren't sure if the whole "faith" thing was real until the watched us loose our baby. And because of our actions, they knew we were real as was faith. BECAUSE OF JACOB'S DEATH.
  5. Because of our experience, Rick's co-worker, who's son William passed away, came to him with many questions including how he could see his son again. Right there at work, Rick pulled out his bible and showed him some verses at which time he accepted Christ as his savior and now knows that he will be reunited with his son in heaven. BECAUSE OF JACOB'S DEATH.

There was a reason...actually there was more than one.

Have a Blessed Day,