Why Ask Why???

Recently, one of Rick's co-workers lost his 3 year old son, William. Long story short, I prayed for the courage to go to this woman, whom I didn't know and somehow help her. When I did, this woman literally grabbed a hold of my shoulders and begged me through her tears, to tell her how she was supposed to do this - how did I still breath??

Intense....yeah a little!!

But these are questions that I get asked often and here are my answers...

- I simply refuse to ask why.

Rick took the week after Jacob's death off so that we could be together and because I was recovering from the c-section and wasn't supposed to do much. The week went well and we definitely needed that time. But the Sunday before he was to return to work I had a complete melt down. I am not by nature a crier, nor do I usually loose my wits, but that day I did. After we returned from church, I curled up in bed with a picture of Jacob and sobbed myself sick refusing to speak to anyone. I kind of went into a downward spiral of hows and whys. And in the process I managed to scare Rick so much that he took a second week off of work - Poor Guy. Once I regained my composure, I realized just how much I had disturbed him and the kids and that is when I refused to ask why.

In the hospital, I kept telling myself and everyone else that God had a reason to take Jacob. I'm not quite sure if I was trying to put others at ease or just trying to convince myself - but never the less it is true. There is a reason.

""For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My
ways,” says the LORD." Isaiah 55:8

There is NOTHING I could research, remember, somehow find logic or blame in, that will change what happened. I refuse to torture myself and my family by asking why. Besides, as time passes I can see good things that have come of Jacob's death.

- I focus on the husband and children that are here and need me.

The day we returned home, babyless, from the hospital; I cried at the site of a room void of baby paraphernalia and thanked God that I had decided to leave the car seat at home that horrible day. But when Trystan walked in from school and said "Hey, mom..." like he always does, it just clicked with me that HE needed me more than I needed to break down. So I gave him a huge hug and said a silent prayer thanking God for giving this precious boy to me. Then I asked if he had any homework. ;-)

- I asked my husband not to leave me alone.

Not physically, but emotionally. This was a large step for me because I usually internalize things and try to deal myself. But more than anything I needed Rick and I audibly asked for him. I needed to know that I wasn't going crazy and if I was that I wouldn't be alone when I got there! I needed to know that he was feeling something similar to what I was feeling. Thankfully, he answered. So many relationships are torn apart by loss. That is not what God wants and I refused to allow that to happen to us.

- We leaned completely on God.

I remember sitting in the bathtub night after night and Rick sitting beside the tub reading scripture, then us praying, talking about all of the ways God was providing for us through others, and wondering what good would appear through Jacob's death ...and yes, I made a list!!!

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." James 1:17

1. Shortly after Jacob's death, one of my best friends, who I had spent 3 years praying for, came to me and wanted understand why I was able to continue in faith after losing my baby. I showed her and that night she accepted Christ as her savior. BECAUSE OF JACOB'S DEATH.
2. Rick and I gave new meaning to the saying anything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger. BECAUSE OF JACOB'S DEATH.
3. Our children saw and still see how we relied on God through the pain. BECAUSE OF JACOB'S DEATH.
4. Several of the teens in our youth group shared with us that the were contemplating leaving the group because of peer pressure or that they weren't sure if the whole "faith" thing was real until the watched us loose our baby. And because of our actions, they knew we were real as was faith. BECAUSE OF JACOB'S DEATH.
5. Because of our experience, Rick's co-worker, who's son William passed away, came to him with many questions including how he could see his son again. Right there at work, Rick pulled out his bible and showed him some verses at which time he accepted Christ as his savior and now knows that he will be reunited with his son in heaven. BECAUSE OF JACOB'S DEATH.

There was a reason...actually there was more than one.

Have a Blessed Day,

April