Mirror, Mirror

Last night at 2:30am, because I can’t sleep …ever, I was up watching You’ve Got Mail with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. A very cute movie…anyway in the movie Hank’s character Joe Fox is in the midst of regretting a particularly mean comment that he made to Ryan’s character and says something like…have you ever felt like a relationship is bringing out the worst in you?

That one comment got me thinking and I realized that it is very possible that the best thing to happen to me has very possibly brought out the worst in my personality. But why??

If you have read my first entry, about Jacob, I briefly introduce our family makeup. But let me give you a little more background. I had Trystan soon after graduating from High School and was a single mother. I worked full time, put myself through school, bought my first house, and ultimately proved to myself that I was able to take care of Trystan and myself independently, but I longed for True Love. You know the kind that takes your breath away and you just know that he is your knight in shining armor. Trystan would sometimes, not often; but enough to make me cringe ask when God was going to send him a dad and me a husband, and I would respond to him by saying I didn’t know but we just had to keep praying. My parents were and still are very involved in Trystan’s life, so he by no means was missing a father figure, because my dad is absolutely awesome and filled that role in his life. But neither if us felt that our home was complete.

Rick entered our lives in the form of a friend of my dad’s from work when Trystan was 3 or 4 years old. Trystan absolutely loved him from the first time they met. My mom kept Trystan while I was at work, so often times Rick would be there eating dinner when I got home from work and came to pick Trystan up. So the extent of our interaction with each other was “Hi, how are you?” and “Fine thanks, how about you?” But my dad and Rick were very close friends and did a lot of guy stuff together. You know hunting, fishing, shooting bows, etc… Rick was still married at this time and I somewhat knew of his troubled marriage through my dad. But I was more like, wow he’s such a nice guy and that’s too bad, I hope things work out. As years passed, I remained alone; I went of a few dates, but nothing worked out.

I guess Trystan was 6 years old (I place events in a timeline of his life) when my parents convinced me to attend a camping trip at Rick’s parent’s campground. My parents and Ricks parents had met through Rick and had become very good friends. Anyway, that weekend is when I learned that Rick was separated from his wife and that due to indiscretions on her part, he had asked for a divorce. Please know that I had never had any romantic interest in Rick and actually avoided him like the plague because he was married and I didn’t want any part of something like that. But I did know through conversations with my parents that we had a lot in common, so when we were around each other we had many things to talk about like BASEBALL, music, kids, etc…but nothing more detailed than that.

Anyway to make a long story short, that weekend, he taught me how to drive a 4-wheeler, which is very fun, and once I got the hang of it, I took the drivers seat in front and he took the passenger seat. After I had driven us through the mud and many briar bushes, I came to an opening in the woods to a field that was filled with golden wheat or golden weeds, I’m not sure which, but it was really pretty in the afternoon sun. So I stopped the 4-wheeler and Rick noticed that I had a cut on my left arm from one of the briars. He no more than took my arm and with his thumb wiped the blood from the cut and I swear it was like the sky parted and the rays of God shone down you know the “aaaaaa…..” effect and I knew that I was going to marry him. I was shaken to my core, but I knew that this was the man God had chosen for me. I know it sounds silly but that is really what happened. He and I did keep in contact after the camping trip, but things were never inappropriate. He was officially divorced soon after the trip, and our relationship grew and we were married about six months later.

This relationship is the best thing in my life and I love my husband dearly. I love Rick’s kids and have considered them my own as he has done with Trystan. Last year, Rick adopted Trystan and we were all ecstatic. All four of our kids get along and three of the four are very close to each other. I have always made an effort to make sure no one was treated different and I never referred to them as step-children. I had worked hard to build a relationship with all of them and our daughter and I were very close. Rick and his ex share joint custody and have almost equal time with the kids. During the school year we have them every weekend and during the summer we have them during the week days, and holidays are alternated.

On the other hand, the side effects from this wonderful union of our families have not been absent and I believe that the constant “On Guard” status in my life has brought out the worst in me. In five years we have been through 3 court battles and rampages of difficulties have risen from his not- so- nice ex. It is a constant battle between our house and her house. Shortly after Jacob’s death, which was bad enough, his ex picked up the kids and without telling him or the kids moved them 3 hours away. Rick didn’t even know that they had moved until their school called and told him that they were no longer enrolled. I know … minus all of the extremely gory details, that is who I am dealing with.

Most recently, I discovered by following a trail of lies, that our daughter, my one girl that I had prayed to be close to and with whom I loved to share girl time, had been lying about me to her “real” mom and had been pitting us with lies against each other for quite sometime. Now, our relationship with all of the kids has not been without bumps as is the nature of dealing with two polar opposite households. One of which is a Christian home with rules and expectations and the other is absolutely not.

Over the past 5 years, through the obstacles of dealing with court, family criticism, persistent bad mouthing from his ex, and a constant supply of negative news from the kids, I have grown a real and obvious contempt for this woman. I have even openly voiced my severe dislike for her and her actions in front of the kids on several occasions. A HUGE mistake for which I have apologized for and asked forgiveness for from the kids. I am not without weakness and she is my thorn in the flesh for sure.

However, after my discovery of these really mean lies, I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I had been wronged, yes, but moreover, I had wronged this woman by really hating her for reasons that I was no longer sure were true. What to do…now. Obviously my relationship with our daughter is all but ruined as I cannot trust her and my heart is broken at the loss of this relationship that I prayed for, for so long. But the next thing I did was to remember something that my pastor and friend had shared with me about a month earlier and that is that it doesn’t matter what other people say about us as long as we and God know that we are in the right. I am not responsible for what Rick’s ex says about me or what our daughter says, but I am responsible for my actions and reactions towards those people.

So what I did next was maybe the next hardest thing I have ever done, aside from losing Jacob. I called Rick’s ex and apologized to her. Yes, you read right. I apologized to her for my actions and reactions to information that I received regarding her. Whether true or not, my actions, words, and thoughts about her were wrong. I did explain what I had found out about our/her daughter to which she replied “I know, she’s been doing that for a long time.” Okay, well …even if the outcome was not what I had hoped for, I did what was expected of me by God.

Since then, which was only about a month ago, I still have not received an apology from our daughter, nor do I expect one any time soon, and I am trying to put the anger, betrayal, and bitterness of the past 5 years behind me, but I am having a difficult time with it. So, how do I replace the worst aspects of my personality, like the competitiveness to be the best, the judging my house compared to her house, and the me against her mentality to rest?? That I don’t have the answer to, but I am working on it…any suggestions would be appreciated.

Through this continuing experience, I pray that all of our children will wait on God to show them their true mates. That they will not have to deal with the devastation of divorce in their own relationships and so that their children will not have to deal with the repercussions either.