Ready, Set, Go...No, Wait...Ok Go

Two nights ago, after showering and washing off the day of Six Flags perspiration, I flopped into bed exhausted and ready to fall into a deep sleep. Alas, when I hit the bed all I found was restlessness, I could not fall asleep, and I hate that. I snuggled up in my favorite position next to Rick; with my head tucked into that nook area at his neck and shoulder, with his arms around me and ahhh…wide awake. I haven’t really slept well for the last year or so, but usually praying will help me to relax and I find that I fall asleep mid prayer; nope, didn’t happen. The culprit… August 5th, (imagine ominous music here) dududuuuu, Infertility Dr. Day.

I couldn’t stop thinking about what I would find out the next day. I was really afraid that Dr. M was going to examine me and tell me that I am forever more barren, that I have cancer, or some horrible and life altering diagnosis was going to be made. Irrational fear or cautious preparation, I prefer the second label, but either way, I wasn’t going to get the deep, restful sleep that I wanted that night. Instead I got the tossing and turning, up to the restroom 10 times sleep. Yay me!!

At around 6:00am I finally did fall asleep and dreamed. I can’t remember the whole dream, but I do remember that Rick and I were in the hospital with our new baby girl and I was attempting to nurse her, when the door opened and visitors came pouring in. I usually don’t remember a lot of my dreams and that is all I remember of that dream; but what hit me more than the visual was the sense of peace and lack of anxiety that I felt in the dream. Now, being the logical person that I am, I try to analyze everything and as we, Rick and I, were driving in to Dr. M’s office, I was trying to figure out if the dream was God answering my prayer or if it was the Freudian explanation of my Id expressing the strong desire to have another child.

By the way, my analytical tendencies absolutely drive my husband insane, so on this particular day, I decided to keep my thoughts to myself. I have been praying for the past year that God would either bless us with another child or that he would take the desire for a child away from both of us. Neither of us has lost the desire hence the trip to Dr. M.

We pulled up to the office and Rick looked at me and me at him and He said “Ready?” and I was like “Yes…No… ummm Ok” and we walked in together with solid resolve and determination…or something like that.

My husband’s faith is amazing, he is so strong in the Lord and just doesn’t worry; he just accepts that it is all in God’s hands. It drives me crazy and keeps me steady at the same time. I am so not that person. I have to constantly tell myself that God is in control and that He has us on this path for a reason. But where Rick stops and accepts, I keep digging for the reason.

This may be a long post…So here is what we found out…NOTHING. I’m not sure what I was expecting, I guess that I was expecting for her to look at me and through divine intervention be able to pinpoint the issue right there on the spot…instant gratification and unrealistic expectations, welcome to my life.

Don’t get me wrong, Dr. M was great. She was very thorough in gathering our histories and had already studied my file in depth. This made me feel like she was really paying attention and that we weren’t just another couple in a cattle call line. After gathering our histories she did a physical exam and internal ultrasound on me. She explained everything that was appearing on the screen and showed no signs of concern or approval (darn it). She was able to get great images of my uterus and right ovary, but my left ovary was not as cooperative and boy did it hurt when she was pushing around in there trying to get a good view. RED FLAG. After the exam, we went onto her office and I thought “OK, here it comes”, I may have even winced a little. She explained the 3 main reasons for infertility which are: 1 – Sperm Issues, 2 – Ovulation issues, and 3 – Scar tissue/Endometriosis. She didn’t divulge any suspicion of what is going on other than there is something that is preventing us from getting pregnant, Duh, but that it could be any number of things.

I derived from the information that she was giving us, from my symptoms, and the ultra sound that she suspects possible Insulin Resistance that can cause PCOS and possible Endometriosis on my left ovary. She also wanted to check for antibodies in Rick that are sometimes present after a vasectomy reversal. The antibodies essentially see the sperm as alien entities in the body and attach to the sperm disabling them from swimming. Apparently, sperm are kept hidden from the immune system and when a breach of the male reproductive system is made, say in the instance of a vasectomy or a reversal, the immune system becomes aware of the sperm and can decide to attack or ignore them. We also found out that work out or nutritional supplements that men use to aid them in gaining weight or building muscle, specifically containing any kind of testosterone booster will wipe out a man’s sperm count. I didn’t know that…did you? Guess what Rick takes!!!

Anyway, I found out that there is a whole lot more to getting pregnant than meets the eye and the plan is to systematically rule out possible problems one test at a time, but in a hurry, then wait and hurry again. Everything has to be done at certain points in a woman’s menstrual cycle.

THE PLAN:

1. Yesterday Rick and I both had blood drawn for the antibody test
2. This morning I had to rush a sample ala Rick back the Dr. M and have a fasting blood panel drawn from me to test for hormones, thyroid, and insulin resistance. We won’t get those results until next week. They will also combine Rick’s sample with the blood they drew from us yesterday to check for the antibodies and will complete a sperm motility test. Those results should be in this afternoon.
3. I started the Basal Body Temperature Chart today (day 10 of my cycle) and will continue to chart my temperature every morning before getting out of bed or even turning the light on. My temperature is supposed to drop on the days of ovulation and then rise until I start my next period. If I’m not ovulating (a sign of PCOS and Insulin Resistance) the temperature shouldn’t drop as expected.
4. I start using an Ovulation Kit tomorrow (day 12 of my cycle) and continue until the strip indicated a surge in the LH hormone that indicates ovulation. If the tests do not show a surge in the LH hormone by day 14 or 15, I have to call Dr. M.
5. Then they will perform a Post Coital exam, ultra sound, and blood pregnancy test, Pretty much I have to go in and have a pap test within 12 hours of intimacy. Umm Yuk!
6. IF I’m not pregnant by then, I will have an Endometrial Biopsy at day 26 pr 27 of my cycle, right before I am supposed to start my period. This tests the thickness of my uterine lining to see if it is thick enough to support a fertilized egg. If not I think they will start me on progesterone suppositories to thicken the lining.
7. More tests…to be continued

So, remaining true to my analytical tendencies, after church, I popped open the laptop and I researched the notes that the nurse took and tried to figure out what everything she told us meant. I hope I explained it well up above and provided the links to further answer any questions you might have.

I am not really confused, but I am more worried, and have more questions than I did before we went. For instance, if I have Insulin Resistance and have had it for sometime, do I also have the other serious conditions such as heart disease and will I develop full blown diabetes because of this? Will I have to take medicine for the rest of my life and if not will the medicine affect my liver increasing the potential for liver cancer? Will I have to take hormone therapy which also increases the chance for several types of cancer? As you can probably tell I am really scared of cancer.

Alas, through the research I have found that if I do have to take insulin medication, it is generally not forever and can be discontinued after loosing 5 to 7 percent of my current body weight. Apparently, maintaining a healthy body weight makes a considerable difference in how your body reacts to insulin and insulin has a direct effect on ovulation. If weight is kept at a reasonable level and I exercise regularly that will also keep me from developing full blown diabetes. One major symptom of insulin resistance is the inability to loose weight no matter how hard you try. The medication allows the body to absorb the insulin correctly therefore allowing the body to burn the sugar stores normally and in turn allowing the person to loose excess body weight.

So as it stands right now, we are on the path, to what end I have no idea, but again God has us on this path for a reason. Psalms 119:105 says “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path”. A few years ago I heard a sermon in which the preacher asked what happens when you are camping at night and hold a lantern up? The answer is that the lantern projects light out a further distance away from the base and allows the camper to see further or perhaps many different paths that could be taken. Then what happens when the lantern is placed on the ground near the feet? The answer is that the light is only projected out about a foot from the base allowing the camper only to see their next step. I think that the verse means that if we stay close to God through His word, he will show us where to take our next step; only one step at a time, but the right step. For us to refrain from lifting the lantern and trying to see too far or figure out, on our own, which way to go requires faith, trust, and the ability to surrender control of our futures. That is what I am struggling with right now. As I have said before, I had a picture in my mind of my life and so far nothing that I pictured has happened how I pictured it and that is because GOD is in control, I’m not. Realizing and understanding that God is in control is not the problem, accepting that fact and relinquishing the facade of control is the problem. Fear of the unknown.

So even though I don’t know what will happen or what we will find out, I know that I can talk to God and that he will hear me and take away my fears (Psalm 34:4). I also know that God has opened this door for a reason and that if I wasn’t supposed to see Dr. M then Dr. R wouldn’t have referred me to her. I choose to hold my lamp low and follow His path one step at a time.

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Have a blessed Day!
April