Seven Down...Two to Go

Since my last post we have gone through seven out of the ten initial tests needed by Dr. M, our reproductive endocrinologist.

Yesterday, I went in for a secondary exam and ultra sound with Dr. M's associate Dr. G. During the ultra sound he asked if Dr. M had mentioned a Fibroid on my uterus..."um, No". He wasn't really concerned about it but did mark it on the picture for future review. He was able to get a picture of my left ovary, which Dr. M wasn't able to do and said that either I have a follicle getting ready to release an egg or I have a cyst. Again, he didn't seem overly concerned. But now I am. The next two tests will determine whether or not I have ovulated and IF I'm not pregnant they will take a biopsy of the lining of my uterus. I really don't want to do that test because I've heard that it really hurts plus I will have to take a day off of work, so pray that I am pregnant. Both of these test are scheduled to take place next week. If I am pregnant then they will give me progesterone to support the pregnancy.

For those of you who are wondering why I am seeing this doctor, it isn't just because we want to have a child, but to figure out what is going on with my body. It isn't normal for any woman to have several miscarriages, to only loose 5 lbs in 6 months while working out consistently, to suddenly have acne that just doesn't go away, to always be tired but never able to sleep, or to have stray hairs popping up. So my position on this is that even if we don't end up getting pregnant, I want to know what is going on with me and to feel better.

A very good friend of mine is more than sceptical about me going through these procedures and her reasoning is that maybe God doesn't want me to have another baby, maybe next time I will be the one who doesn't live. She has the ability to voice my internal fears... it is eerie. While I love this person very much and value her opinion, I have to somewhat disagree with her. I believe that God has opened this door for me to walk through whether it results in a pregnancy or whether it prevents me form having diabetes or reveals that I have endometriosis, I need to see it through. However, there is a point where Rick and I have decided to draw the line; we will not be looking into invitro fertilization nor will I take fertility treatments that will force my body to release multiple eggs. We have both prayed about it and that is where we will stop. Perhaps we would be willing to take those steps if neither of us had ever had children.

Over the weekend and after talking to my above mentioned friend, I seriously questioned what we are doing and even considered calling and cancelling my appointment for yesterday. Then I spent a few days with my cousin and his wife who are visiting from California. They have a four year old daughter and a six month old son, who was born only 2 weeks before the 1 year anniversary of Jacob's death. As I held and played with Eddie, I realized that I was not ready to stop trying. It was not a jealousy thing in any way. I was just comfortable, not uneasy or panicky, just at ease. Carrying him around while I was taking pictures, fixing my dinner plate, etc.. just the everyday things that felt natural doing with a baby on my hip. And then came the snuggling, you know, when they lay their heads down on your shoulder with their little hands gripping your hair and shirt. I just love it and it sealed the deal. I guess that Rick noticed too because he said later that he was "ready" and that he "wants this to happen just as badly as I do".

IF God has decided that we aren't going to have another child, then we won't, and we will have to accept that. I am ready for that possibility, but I also have hope and faith that God will lead me down the right path.

On a separate note, a few people made comments about how comfortable I was with Eddie and he with me, and that they couldn't believe how calm I was and that I wasn't upset. My other cousin's baby was born in March and I just found out about it literally on Saturday. People just don't talk to me about babies. It is ridiculous. Seriously, people who have lost a child aren't really likely to have a mental breakdown while in the presence of a baby or while hearing about someone being pregnant or having a baby. At least I'm not. It kind of drives me crazy that people treat me like I'm going to crack at any moment. Sorry for that side bar, but it's true. If you know someone who has lost a child, ask them if it bothers them to be around babies or to talk about pregnancy or babies. Maybe it will bother them or maybe it won't; but I bet they will appreciate you asking.

Have a Blessed Day!
April