So the 12wk check up with Dr.E went well. I gained only 4lbs in 5wks, but my blood pressure was 142/80...not horrible but not great either. Dr.E chalked it up to me being nervous and said to check it every few days just to be on the safe side. The baby's heart beat was good after they finally found it...no joke that it took them 10 minutes...yeah like that is going to help my BP go down!!!
So after we get back to the van, Rick kinda gets on to me about being stressed out...Yes, I am a worrier, but generally I have a pretty positive outlook on things...or I used to. So in a very frustrated manner but not hateful I turned to him and said "Look just because you don't worry about anything, doesn't mean that I'm built the same way...I'm trying not to be stressed out, but you weren't in the Dr's office the last time that they tried to find the heartbeat and didn't, so back up a few steps and give me some time OK!" A bit harsh, yeah OK, but true...very very true. I mean how do you get that memory out of your head??? As soon as I walk through those doors every muscle in my body tenses up and that day just keeps running over and over in my mind...ridiculous I know, but I can't stop it.
So here's the kicker and don't laugh after you read it!!! Well I guess you can.
We were lucky enough to have had Luke and Hollan Bishop, some super great friends and devoted Christians, come up from Arkansas to speak at our church's Valentines Day Banquet on Saturday. They are great friends with our Pastor and his wife, Chad and Jenny Foster, and through Triple S Christian Ranch, we have been blessed to become friends with them too. So it was great to hang out with them on Sat evening and to hear Brother Luke preach on Sunday morning and evening.
So about 1/2 of the way through Luke's Sunday morning message, I was like man this is great. He was preaching on Psalms 118:24 and the message was today is the BEST day of our lives. We don't have tomorrow and yesterday is gone, so TODAY is the day that God has designed for us individually...wonderful message. I was thinking through the nausea that I was going to pray that God will help me will myself into a better mood about being sick all of the time and just be grateful to be where God has me right now (Phillipians 4:11). I was feeling pretty good about the message and not really being convicted about sin or anything...until...DuuDuuDuuuu (insert eerie sound here)...Luke gets to point 3.
We as Christians should be preparing for victory rather than loss...so many Christians prepare for bad news, then when something good happens they praise the Lord. Its the prepare for the worst and hope for the best mentality...OK could God have hit me in the head any harder...then right at that time guess who prods my shoulder...yep my loving husband. I look over at him and his HUGE smile and I told you so eyes...ugh. So there it was... conviction. Now what...how am I supposed to let go of the fear and prepare for victory??? During the invitation time I just stood there and balled and over and over I asked God to forgive my doubt and help me to prepare for victory and let go of the loss. I think I repeated it about 100 times hoping that when I lifted my head I would have a whole different perspective and all of the fear would be gone. But alas, the fear was there, but so was the knowledge that God will help me prepare for victory.
I was directed back to my favorite verse that was shown to me through my dad's bible that he carried in Dessert Storm...Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and He delivered me from all my fears."
So here is my mission...to prepare for victory. To take the steps necessary to put my trust fully in God that He knows what He is doing; that both the baby He has gifted us with, me, and our family are safe in His hands and He will keep us that way. The time to move forward is now.
Thank you, Brother Luke for being willing to be an open vessel for God to speak through you and in turn spark knowledge and understanding in me.
I'll keep you all posted on my march to victory, pray that I don't tuck tail and run!!!
Have a Blessed Day!!!
April
Monday, February 15, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Just Keep Swimming...
Thanks to mean people who create and deploy viruses, my computer has been non functional for several weeks; so I'm hijacking a few minutes at school to post an update and I'm not sure when the next post will be. I'm praying for the possibility of a laptop for my upcoming b-day, so we'll see.
Things are moving along...slowly. As of today, I am 11wks and 4days along and can only fit comfortably into 1 pair of regular jeans and 1 pair of regular dress pants.
This pregnancy is soooo much different that the last two. I am soooo sick, the nausea is unbelievable. I am not able to have either of my favorite things, coffee (or any caffinated beverage) or chocolate (actually anything sweet has my stomach rolling). I am having cravings, but when I eat what I was craving, it makes me sick...AND I am soooooo tired. I am a night owl, early for me is 11:30 to 12:00pm and I have been in bed and passed out by 8:30 almost every night. Oh and I can smell literally everything.
On the bright side, I am eating much healthier than I have before. I am able to tolerate water and lots of it, fruit, and just about any kind of veggie salad. I have switched to whole grain everything and now have a taste for almonds...plain almonds. Weird hu. But I still like the carbs...potatoes, stuffing, french fries...Hello lover!!!
One thing I am craving is a Subway Tuna sandwich, but I have heard that tuna has been linked to Autism. Do any of you know about that??
Yesterday we found out that another teacher at my school is pregnant, about 7 weeks. So just a little behind me, and for some strange reason I found that to be comforting as far as my fears are concerned. Maybe it's the strength in numbers thing...LOL...I don't know.
I am still having the afraid of dying issue, but I think I am coming around as things move along. the thought still crosses my mind, but I don't feel so panicky about it. But as I said before, I have had this fear since Jacob passed. I just keep reminding myself that women have babies everyday and both mom and baby are fine.
I am still in the cautiously optimistic stage but have set up a vote boy vote girl station in my classroom for my students to put in for what they think I am having. Rick and just about all of my family and friends think it Will be a girl; but I really don't care as long as we are both alive and healthy in the end.
February 26th is Jacob's would be 2nd birthday and we are going to have a graveside balloon release in his honor. Be praying about this as I want to but don't want to do it. We are going to fill balloons with helium and a salvation message; then release them on his birthday. Our hopes in doing this are for someone to run across one of the balloons and receive the salvation message in turn accepting Christ. And also to ensure that Jacob is never forgotten. I have found that as time passes, the physical wounds heal, and the reminders of him begin to fade. Like the picture on the wall that you walk by everyday but don't really notice. When there isn't an active reminder, it is almost as if nothing really happened. So his puts us in a place where we are choosing to actively remember him. I'm sure it will be difficult, but God will have His hands on us and it will be fine.
I am back to the OBGYN next Friday, the 12th for my 12 week check up and sonogram, so I hope to have more good news and pictures to share. But in case my pc is still down, I wish you all a wonderful Valentines Day and know that I think of you often.
Have a Blessed Day,
April
Things are moving along...slowly. As of today, I am 11wks and 4days along and can only fit comfortably into 1 pair of regular jeans and 1 pair of regular dress pants.
This pregnancy is soooo much different that the last two. I am soooo sick, the nausea is unbelievable. I am not able to have either of my favorite things, coffee (or any caffinated beverage) or chocolate (actually anything sweet has my stomach rolling). I am having cravings, but when I eat what I was craving, it makes me sick...AND I am soooooo tired. I am a night owl, early for me is 11:30 to 12:00pm and I have been in bed and passed out by 8:30 almost every night. Oh and I can smell literally everything.
On the bright side, I am eating much healthier than I have before. I am able to tolerate water and lots of it, fruit, and just about any kind of veggie salad. I have switched to whole grain everything and now have a taste for almonds...plain almonds. Weird hu. But I still like the carbs...potatoes, stuffing, french fries...Hello lover!!!
One thing I am craving is a Subway Tuna sandwich, but I have heard that tuna has been linked to Autism. Do any of you know about that??
Yesterday we found out that another teacher at my school is pregnant, about 7 weeks. So just a little behind me, and for some strange reason I found that to be comforting as far as my fears are concerned. Maybe it's the strength in numbers thing...LOL...I don't know.
I am still having the afraid of dying issue, but I think I am coming around as things move along. the thought still crosses my mind, but I don't feel so panicky about it. But as I said before, I have had this fear since Jacob passed. I just keep reminding myself that women have babies everyday and both mom and baby are fine.
I am still in the cautiously optimistic stage but have set up a vote boy vote girl station in my classroom for my students to put in for what they think I am having. Rick and just about all of my family and friends think it Will be a girl; but I really don't care as long as we are both alive and healthy in the end.
February 26th is Jacob's would be 2nd birthday and we are going to have a graveside balloon release in his honor. Be praying about this as I want to but don't want to do it. We are going to fill balloons with helium and a salvation message; then release them on his birthday. Our hopes in doing this are for someone to run across one of the balloons and receive the salvation message in turn accepting Christ. And also to ensure that Jacob is never forgotten. I have found that as time passes, the physical wounds heal, and the reminders of him begin to fade. Like the picture on the wall that you walk by everyday but don't really notice. When there isn't an active reminder, it is almost as if nothing really happened. So his puts us in a place where we are choosing to actively remember him. I'm sure it will be difficult, but God will have His hands on us and it will be fine.
I am back to the OBGYN next Friday, the 12th for my 12 week check up and sonogram, so I hope to have more good news and pictures to share. But in case my pc is still down, I wish you all a wonderful Valentines Day and know that I think of you often.
Have a Blessed Day,
April
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Thank God for Snow...
Due to snow and super cold temperatures, school was cancelled this past Thursday and Friday...PRAISE GOD!!!
I love my job and my students, however challenging they may be, but little cashew is really kicking my behind. In other words the pregnancy and all of the accompanying "Fun" stuff is in full swing. But am I complaining...ABSOLUTELY NOT...well maybe a little. So I am grateful for the last three days that I have been able to do minimal duties and pretty much sit/lay around.
Before I move on, just a little sidebar. I was showing Tony the latest sonogram images of baby Cluck when he said "that kinda looks like a peanut or something". I responded "Yeah, I thought it looks kinda like a kidney bean..." Then Trystan in his laid back manner chimed in and said "or a cashew." Then Travis said "It would be kinda funny to name the baby cashew." We all laughed and there it is... so the baby shall be referred to as cashew until we either know the gender or maybe until birth...who knows.
Anyway, back to the subject at hand. As I was sitting around and going about things like laundry that allow for intermittent breaks; I got to thinking about how excited and confident everyone around me is about this pregnancy and asking myself why I'm not feeling the same way. For example, Rick is ready to break out all of the baby furniture and set up the baby's room already and we have been given a beautiful high chair and bassinet already. Not that any of those things are bad or that I am unappreciative in any way. So what is with the Ughness that is me right now??
Now, it may have something to do with the constant flu like symptoms that have taken over my every thought, but it is more likely the loss of Jacob that has me in a cautiously optimistic state.
I can draw a definite differentiation between my last two pregnancies and this one so far...aside from the intolerable nausea and migraine like headaches; I wasn't worried. I think that when you haven't experienced a loss no matter how far along, you tend to just assume that if there's nothing going wrong then everything is fine...very logical. Yes that used to be me...NOW I'm like ok every thing's fine; until I go to the restroom and think please Lord, don't let there be anything red (Sorry...TMI). I am waiting for the shoe to drop. And here is the kicker...I'm really afraid that something bad is going to happen to me and Rick and Trystan will be left here to take care of each other...the thought is terrifying! Both of those fears are very illogical and not my normal train of thought, so I'm fairly certain that I may be going crazy. There is absolutely nothing going on that would point in the direction of anything going wrong, actually the sickness, however unfortunate it may be, is a sign that things are going right. ANd though I am on progesterone, I have had ZERO spotting, which is normal. Maybe I am going crazy...What do you think??? Those agreeing that I may be going crazy need not respond...LOL.
So, I am trying to force my way out of the worry and into the excited, but the nausea isn't really helping!!! It's like wearing a bright colored scarf with your outfit when your feeling blah. So here are my scarfs: I, of course, am praying for God to calm my nerves and fears...after all I asked for him to give us a child and even prayed specifically a child that BOTH Rick and I would be able to raise together in a loving and Christian home. God knows our prayers and desires and answers him according to His will...it is the His will part that leaves the loophole. AND I am living vicariously through all of those around me that are equipped with the positive pregnancy outlook. It doesn't seem like much, but that's what I've got.
Am I doubting God by worrying or in some way telling Him that I don't think He's strong enough to keep both me and the baby healthy and alive? I really hope not, because I know He is. So what is with this fear??? Do others who have experienced a loss or who maybe haven't experienced a loss, but have been trying for a long time and are finally pregnant feel this way too? Thoughts PLEASE!
To all of you who are trying to conceive or are currently pregnant...keep up the good work!!! I don't want anything that I post to scare or hinder you in your daily walk in anyway. This topic is just a topic that I am really feeling, but not with dread with curiosity and underlying hope.
Have a Blessed Day,
April
I love my job and my students, however challenging they may be, but little cashew is really kicking my behind. In other words the pregnancy and all of the accompanying "Fun" stuff is in full swing. But am I complaining...ABSOLUTELY NOT...well maybe a little. So I am grateful for the last three days that I have been able to do minimal duties and pretty much sit/lay around.
Before I move on, just a little sidebar. I was showing Tony the latest sonogram images of baby Cluck when he said "that kinda looks like a peanut or something". I responded "Yeah, I thought it looks kinda like a kidney bean..." Then Trystan in his laid back manner chimed in and said "or a cashew." Then Travis said "It would be kinda funny to name the baby cashew." We all laughed and there it is... so the baby shall be referred to as cashew until we either know the gender or maybe until birth...who knows.
Anyway, back to the subject at hand. As I was sitting around and going about things like laundry that allow for intermittent breaks; I got to thinking about how excited and confident everyone around me is about this pregnancy and asking myself why I'm not feeling the same way. For example, Rick is ready to break out all of the baby furniture and set up the baby's room already and we have been given a beautiful high chair and bassinet already. Not that any of those things are bad or that I am unappreciative in any way. So what is with the Ughness that is me right now??
Now, it may have something to do with the constant flu like symptoms that have taken over my every thought, but it is more likely the loss of Jacob that has me in a cautiously optimistic state.
I can draw a definite differentiation between my last two pregnancies and this one so far...aside from the intolerable nausea and migraine like headaches; I wasn't worried. I think that when you haven't experienced a loss no matter how far along, you tend to just assume that if there's nothing going wrong then everything is fine...very logical. Yes that used to be me...NOW I'm like ok every thing's fine; until I go to the restroom and think please Lord, don't let there be anything red (Sorry...TMI). I am waiting for the shoe to drop. And here is the kicker...I'm really afraid that something bad is going to happen to me and Rick and Trystan will be left here to take care of each other...the thought is terrifying! Both of those fears are very illogical and not my normal train of thought, so I'm fairly certain that I may be going crazy. There is absolutely nothing going on that would point in the direction of anything going wrong, actually the sickness, however unfortunate it may be, is a sign that things are going right. ANd though I am on progesterone, I have had ZERO spotting, which is normal. Maybe I am going crazy...What do you think??? Those agreeing that I may be going crazy need not respond...LOL.
So, I am trying to force my way out of the worry and into the excited, but the nausea isn't really helping!!! It's like wearing a bright colored scarf with your outfit when your feeling blah. So here are my scarfs: I, of course, am praying for God to calm my nerves and fears...after all I asked for him to give us a child and even prayed specifically a child that BOTH Rick and I would be able to raise together in a loving and Christian home. God knows our prayers and desires and answers him according to His will...it is the His will part that leaves the loophole. AND I am living vicariously through all of those around me that are equipped with the positive pregnancy outlook. It doesn't seem like much, but that's what I've got.
Am I doubting God by worrying or in some way telling Him that I don't think He's strong enough to keep both me and the baby healthy and alive? I really hope not, because I know He is. So what is with this fear??? Do others who have experienced a loss or who maybe haven't experienced a loss, but have been trying for a long time and are finally pregnant feel this way too? Thoughts PLEASE!
To all of you who are trying to conceive or are currently pregnant...keep up the good work!!! I don't want anything that I post to scare or hinder you in your daily walk in anyway. This topic is just a topic that I am really feeling, but not with dread with curiosity and underlying hope.
Have a Blessed Day,
April
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