A Thankful Thanksgiving...

It is early and me and the dogs and I are up while the rest of the house is still dreaming... I've been thinking back on a few things that have taken place over this year and Thanksgivings past and am awestruck in how things just keep changing...I've said it before and I'm saying it again...the dream or expectation of how our lives will turn out compared to reality is so eye opening and shows us that God is in control...we have free will...but only God knows...

With that and in remembrance of a tradition that Rhonda, my husband's oldest sister, started on my first Thanksgiving with their family...six years ago...I'd like to go around my table and thank those who have influenced my life...in no specific order just as you come to mind.

To God...Thank you for all of it...the good, the difficult, the grace, the love, and these people whom you have placed in my life...or me in theirs.

To Rick...I am thankful for your love. My whole life I watched my dad love my mom and dreamed of a love like theirs...the kind that others can see when they look at us while we don't know they're watching...you have given that to me and I hope that I have given that to you. Our friends joke that we are obsessed with each other and they pick on us for doing almost everything together...but I see that as them knowing that we are real, that we are bound to each other, and that it is us...in our bubble. In the end, after the kids are grown, the friends and family have walked out the door.. when it is just you and me...I will snuggle into you and feel your arms around me and you will know that you are my favorite... and I will thank God then, like I do everyday, for giving you to me. I Love you.

To my Dad...Super Man. I am thankful that you are the single most influential person in my life. Through your actions and expectations you have taught me strength, independence, loyalty, how to give love, how to receive love, never to quit, to stand and when necessary to fight, gentleness, pride, humility, forgiveness, and most recently levelheadedness...is that a word? I'm still working on that one. At one time, forever actually, I thought you unbreakable and all powerful, able to do anything and everything...somehow immune to the things that tear at the rest of us...like super man...then Jacob died and I saw you break. Through that I realized that you weren't unbreakable, but I also watched you, in your broken state, pick me, Rick, and everyone else up and carry us through to the other side and only when you knew that we were safe, did you allow yourself to be carried by God...no one else. I pray that I inherit that kind of strength too. God shows his strenght through you. You are amazing.

To my Mom...the engine that could...for a long time I didn't give you credit for your strength because you cloaked it in insecurity...I only saw untamed emotion. But you have taught me not to give up...to fight through the struggles...however unrefined and messy the struggle might be to just keep going. You are the tryer...is that a word?? You are the best example of the adage "learn from your mistakes". I've come to realize that my experiences with you growing up are in direct relation to the fact that you were in the process of learning how to do...well, everything...I know that sounds weird and possibly insulting, but what I'm trying to say is that I understand. Your childhood wasn't filled with the Betty Crocker cookbook memories or the Cleaver family holidays, so as I was growing and learning from you and dad, you were teaching yourself how to make those memories for us. Like the recipes, some turned out and some didn't, but you figured out what went wrong, then did it differently the next time, until it turned out good. I had a great childhood; thanks to you.

To Trystan...For being silly, smart, and stubborn. For standing for what is right even in the face of criticism. For your heart and the love that you give freely and the protectiveness you feel for your siblings and friends. For giving me something to look forward to as I watch you grow into a man. For loving your dad. For stepping out of your comfort zone and trying new things.

To Tonya...I am thankful that you make me play. You keep me balanced. Anyone who knows me knows that I am driven...and driven people tend to be too serious...fun suckers as you would say. You have taught me to relax, take it in, and have fun doing it, within reason. Thank God for you, because Trystan was taking on my more serious traits and doing it to the extreme. You and I also share a common bond through different issues that we have both experienced in our lives and I love you for that too.

To Jenny...for your compassion and your God first take on life. In almost every conversation that we have, I see how devoted you are to God first and how ferociously you strive to protect your family. That you want to please God and do what is right...and you do it in a way that doesn't make others feel that you are judging them or that your choices are better than theirs...you just love all of us and are so aware of others.

To Chad...for proving people wrong and being the best example of God's power to change. I am so inspired.

To Breanne...for not choosing me. Ok, I'll wait so that you can read that again. Yes, I said for not choosing me. In my driven state...I strive to be the best at everything I do. In my life, (I am not being boastful in this statement) I have pretty much accomplished that...until now. I have worked hard to attain the goals that I have set for myself and have accomplished most of them. By you not choosing me, you have shown me that no matter how hard I try and no matter what I do...I can't be everything to everyone. That is a hard pill to swallow,but now that I am faced with it, I am learning how to fail and how to bow out. This is called humility.

To Lea...for being you...for calling me at 6:00am and making me get up and walk...in the rain.

To Tony...for knock, knock jokes and fitting in Trystan's pocket.

To Travis...for being different.

To Dana...for a different perspective. I have truly cherished the conversations that we have had and the way that you open the box and urge me to step out of it. I love you.

To Kedra...for being a fixture in my life. Though circumstances have limited our time together of late, you are my longest standing friendship. I have been here for almost 15 years and you have been my friend for 15 years...that is a blessing to a person who moved a lot and didn't have the chance to make the lifelong childhood friends.

To Ronnie...for worrying about us and for saying things like "the law"... that still makes me laugh.

To Carrol...for the time that you told me that you had prayed for God to send someone to take care of Rick and the kids. And that you knew without a doubt that person was me and that you didn't have to worry anymore because you knew I would love all of them and take care of them.

To Tracy...for calling and checking on me so often after Jacob died. I didn't feel like an outsider then...I felt like a sister.

To Rhonda...for being a person that Rick could turn to in times when the one he was supposed to be able to lean on wasn't there for him. For having the presence of mind to step back and find a new role when we were married. For realizing that as his wife, I am that safe place for him now. That I am here for him everyday, loving him, and taking care of him and our family.

To Brittney...for telling me that I am making a difference.

To my Grandpa...I really miss you. I have a picture of you that was taken about this time last year. It is one of my favorites. You are standing by our fireplace with your coat and stalking cap on because you had just come in from the cold and you have the biggest smile on your face...I just love it. I wish that I had taken more time that Sunday before you left and that I had given you a bigger hug. I remember about a week before that, after Trystan had mowed the yard, you were telling us how proud you were of all of your boys, how much they had blessed your life, and how much you would miss them. I had told you how I wish that you could go to God when you get there and ask him if you could send us a message to take away all question and fear about the unknown and you said that you would work on that...then a few weeks later, you did. I was always told how much you loved grandma and how you said that you would never leave her. That night that you left...I think you did go to God and ask him if you could send us a message that everything is true, that we have nothing to fear, and then asked him if you could bring grandma and He said yes. So you did. You didn't leave her. As a Christan, I know what God says about heaven, but as a human I fear the unknown...you have taken that from me and for that and so many other things that I can't see through the tears to type, I am so thankful to you. And by the way...I am working out more now and my stomach is looking better; I tried the higher heeled shoes that you said to try and my heel doesn't hurt anymore; My face isn't breaking out like it did when it bugged you so badly, so if you have something to do with that, thanks and keep up the good work. Also, If you wouldn't mind giving Jacob or Jake, if he is already all grown up, a really really big hug for me and his dad, that would be great... Tell him that if I knew what his favorite food was that I would soooo be making it for him today.

Happy Thanksgiving to all and have a blessed day!!