Blessings for a New Year...

Wow!! What a way to start out 2010, by being able to share a ginormous (Yes, that is a word and I think I have full copyrights to it...LOL) blessing with you.

God knows. He knows the path he has set before me and you and as a close friend often tells me, He knows the desires of our hearts. Yesterday, the desires of my heart were realized...

Yes, I am PREGNANT!!!!

I know right!!! We're SOOOOO excited and yet nervously reserved; well I'm nervously reserved and Mr. Happy Pants over here is shouting it from the rooftops!!!

Without further ado, here is the proof that God truly blesses and answers prayers.

Now for the narrative...

So as my husband asked back in Sept. after the last negative test from the fertility specialists came back, we stopped trying to conceive...I didn't even track my cycles. The holidays were on the way, school was insanely busy, Tj's sports schedule was ever growing and we were successfully able to forget about it. Actually, I had given my maternity clothes to an expectant co-worker, and I was trying to convince Rick to take the baby bed out of storage and utilize the frame for a full size head and foot board. I had told him that we needed to come to the realization that a baby may not be a part of God's plan for us, so we needed to get over it, move on, and make a fresh start.

The shopping commenced as Christmas approached, arrived, and passed. And we had a great time with friends and family. On Wednesday, the 30th, we both had new patient appointments as we had decided to switch general practitioners. So as we're driving, I was asking Rick if he though they would request any weird tests and then it occurred to me that they were probably going to ask when the first day of my last cycle was...and I had no idea. Yes, me....no idea.

So we figured out that it was at Thanksgiving and that it had only lasted 2 days...so I counted it out and discovered that I was 10 days late. Rick says "I thought so...but I didn't want to say anything." and I was like "No, I must have the times wrong, cuz I'm having faint cramps...I'm sure it's nothing". But in my head I'm thinking Wow, things are starting to add up here...sever tenderness in the chest for several weeks, headaches, backaches, light cramping...but no nausea...but I didn't have nausea with Tj...I don't think I counted wrong...what if..."!

So we get into Dr. B's and Rick is seeing her while I am seeing the NP. Heather. She is super nice and takes my temperature which registers at 99.3..."Well, that's a low grade fever...are you feeling ok?" she asks. "Yeah, I'm feeling fine"; but on the inside I'm thinking...Low grade temp...another sign...HOLY CRAP!!!". Then she starts the slew of questions and of course asks when my last period was, so I told her the whole two day period thing and "Oh yeah, I think I might be 10 days late". So she says, "Lets go ahead a do a test." and I'm like "Ok, but it'll probably be negative...we've seen a fertility specialist and it is highly unlikely." So I do the test and while the nurse is working on it, NP Heather asks about Jacob, and as I'm explaining what happens the nurse comes in and needs to see the NP. This gives me the perfect opportunity to pray. So I did, I prayed so hard asking God to bless us with a child, and to help us accept a negative result.

I'm not sure how long she was gone but it seemed like forever. NP Heather comes back in and says "Sorry, I had to take a phone call." So I said "No problem, I hope everything is alright." Then she says, "Well, that depends on you... because THE TEST IS POSITIVE...YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!!!" and places the test strip on the exam table.

I said..."What!!! Are you sure???!!!???...OH MY GOODNESS...THANK YOU LORD FOR ANSWERING OUR PRAYERS!!!" It was so funny. She was so excited to tell me the news...I think she may have been more excited than me to find out it was positive. She gave me a big hug and said..."Let's go tell your husband...I bet he'll be really excited." Rick was leaving the room just as we were and we kinda saw each other down the hallway and NP Heather yells out "She's Pregnant!!!" and Rick Just smiles and says "That's awesome...I knew it!!!"...Then my nerves set in. You know, the nerves like I'm not going to the bathroom again cuz I don't want to see red, kind of nerves...yeah...fun fun!!

I had some blood taken to confirm the pregnancy and yesterday morning I called Dr. M (fertility specialist) to share the news and of course she wanted to see me ASAP to do a sonogram and her own blood work.

I get to Dr. M's toting my nerves in a backpack with me...I get into the sonogram room and she's says "Ok, let's take a look." So I of course turn my head and say "I'll look when you tell me it's ok." her response was "Then look, because there's your baby..." a moment of shock and awe as time stands still for just a second and I look to see the image on the monitor...

It' is pretty early between 5 and 7 weeks, so there's no heartbeat yet. Both the amniotic sack and the yolk sack are present and in great shape. She said that everything looks good and we may be able to see a heartbeat next week. She started me on progesterone suppositories to keep the hormone levels up and support the pregnancy and I am to go back next Wednesday.

After much prayer and some things only God could bring about, Rick and I have agreed that we are going to seek the services of a different OBGYN this time around. This decision was difficult, but we are both at ease with the decision and it has made our family members feel much more comfortable as well.

I am calming down and accepting that God is in control and there is nothing that I can do to stay pregnant if that is not his will so I have to give the backpack of nerves to Him and let Him carry it for me. I know that I have had one possibly two miscarriages since Jacob's death, but we were not able to see anything on the monitor, so this is far beyond where we have been and I am feeling encouraged and optimistic that this is real and will continue to produce a living child.

I didn't want to tell anyone, but Rick wants to tell everyone. He says that "people knowing isn't going to make things better or worse and the more people we have praying the better" and I guess he's right...so thank you for your prayers and you can mark this in your list as answered.

I will request that you continue to pray that my health and the health of this life in me will continue to grow and that we we will both be healthy and have long lives."

Of course this does mean that my weight loss resolution is on hold as I can't diet, but I will be exercising daily...so all suggestions for safe pregnancy workouts are welcome as well as healthy snacking and those can't live without maternity tips for clothing, hair, skin...you know anything. I am replacing the weight loss resolution with the stress free life resolution and will need your help...Oh and baby room suggestions are welcome too!!!

My next request is for my photography inclined friends out in blog world...This means you Dana and Jay!!!

In looking back on my time with Jacob, I am very regretful that I was too shy to step in front of the camera to track my Baby Belly...While I am still shy, I am determined to get over it and to memorialize as much as I can. I'd love some suggestions on poses and the like for pregnancy pictures if you are so included.

I had Rick take a picture of me to start things out, and next time he will have to make sure that my eyes aren't half closed and I don't have a half smile that makes me look half drugged!! It certainly isn't the most flattering picture of me, but oh well.

Have a Blessed Day and New Year!!!

April

New Year, New Goals, Same Me...

Wow it's been sooooo long since I've posted and entry and I must say that part of the reason is a new found gun shyness to posting anything online...why this apprehension??? Well, it seems that no matter how hard a person tries to not offend anyone... someone is offended. While I don't like to offend anyone and do not set out to offend people purposefully, it does happen and I am sorry for that. HOWEVER, I have come to the conclusion through a lot of prayer and encouragement from messages that I have gotten from readers (who I had no idea were readers) wanting to know when I was going to start posting again, that through this blog I am able to reach people outside of my immediate circle on issues that I am faced with and with the possibility that I may also be able to share Christ with those people. AND that through the people whom I have met via blog world, I am learning such valuable lessons as well. Thanks Dana, Jay, and Lauren and BTW I 'm so sorry I haven't been present lately!!!

So on the top of my New Years Top Ten is to try to look at the BIGGER picture rather than the single red pixel that is trying to distract me from the rest of the image.

And without further ado...here are the rest... (WOOO HOOO you know how I love lists!!!)

1. See above statement...
2. To be present daily for my family in body and in mind.
3. To do a devotion EVERY DAY!!!
4. To evacuate this downward spiral of spending and significantly reduce bills.
5. To loose 30 pounds!!! I had lost 28 but gained 10 back over the holidays...sad face :-(
6. To return to my old ways of organized and purposeful living rather than random chaos that has been our life since well, Jacob's death.
7. To begin a prayer list and purposefully pray over those things at least once a week, but strive for every day.
8. Keep in touch with friends MORE...yes, this means you!!!
9. Forgive when it hurts so much to do so.
10. Remember that my life is the example where someone might be looking for Christ.

What is on the top of your list???

I recently heard that 90% of Americans make New Years resolutions and only 20% keep them...I really want to strive to be in that 20% this year!!!

Have a Blessed Day and New Year!!!

April

What To Do Now???

Yesterday, I called Dr. M's office to let them know that I had started and the nurse then told me that Dr. M wants to double the clomid for this cycle and I was forced to tell her that we (and by we, I mean my husband) have decided to take a break for a while. I explained that even though we had only been seeing them for 2 months we have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year and a half. She was really great and said that she understood and that many couples feel this way after the first few months, then told me that if I happen to be late any month just call and they would order a pregnancy test for me.

They are so sweet over there. By far the most accommodating and hard working Dr.'s and nurses that I have ever been involved with.

So, I guess that I should feel relieved that I don't have to remember to take my temp every morning, and count days, and pee on sticks, and hold my breath for days to see if I'll be pregnant...but I'm not. After I told the nurse that we were stopping, I just wanted to sit down in the school's lunch room (that is the only place my cell works at school) and cry and maybe have a temper tantrum. Seriously, I just feel like Jacob died all over again....empty...hopeless.

God love my husband, I know he is upset about it too and then having to go to the cemetery for my grandparent's funeral and see Jacob's burial place right next to my grandparents didn't make this any easier for anyone. So I'm keeping these emotions to myself. He said that he has to protect me, which is very chivalrous...he's my knight in shining armor, and I love him for it...but I'm not ready to stop trying.

If this is an exercises in submission, I am determined to pass with an A, so I will wait because he wants to wait, but everything inside me is screaming out to keep going...the what if's are enough to drive a person crazy. So, I'll add another row of stones to my wall and deal with it myself and hope that this too shall pass.

Have a Blessed Day...

April

P.S. Lauren, I'm so sorry sweetie...I know exactly how you are feeling and I hope that you keep trying and end in success. God Bless!!

Ready, Set, Go...No, Wait...Ok Go

Two nights ago, after showering and washing off the day of Six Flags perspiration, I flopped into bed exhausted and ready to fall into a deep sleep. Alas, when I hit the bed all I found was restlessness, I could not fall asleep, and I hate that. I snuggled up in my favorite position next to Rick; with my head tucked into that nook area at his neck and shoulder, with his arms around me and ahhh…wide awake. I haven’t really slept well for the last year or so, but usually praying will help me to relax and I find that I fall asleep mid prayer; nope, didn’t happen. The culprit… August 5th, (imagine ominous music here) dududuuuu, Infertility Dr. Day.

I couldn’t stop thinking about what I would find out the next day. I was really afraid that Dr. M was going to examine me and tell me that I am forever more barren, that I have cancer, or some horrible and life altering diagnosis was going to be made. Irrational fear or cautious preparation, I prefer the second label, but either way, I wasn’t going to get the deep, restful sleep that I wanted that night. Instead I got the tossing and turning, up to the restroom 10 times sleep. Yay me!!

At around 6:00am I finally did fall asleep and dreamed. I can’t remember the whole dream, but I do remember that Rick and I were in the hospital with our new baby girl and I was attempting to nurse her, when the door opened and visitors came pouring in. I usually don’t remember a lot of my dreams and that is all I remember of that dream; but what hit me more than the visual was the sense of peace and lack of anxiety that I felt in the dream. Now, being the logical person that I am, I try to analyze everything and as we, Rick and I, were driving in to Dr. M’s office, I was trying to figure out if the dream was God answering my prayer or if it was the Freudian explanation of my Id expressing the strong desire to have another child.

By the way, my analytical tendencies absolutely drive my husband insane, so on this particular day, I decided to keep my thoughts to myself. I have been praying for the past year that God would either bless us with another child or that he would take the desire for a child away from both of us. Neither of us has lost the desire hence the trip to Dr. M.

We pulled up to the office and Rick looked at me and me at him and He said “Ready?” and I was like “Yes…No… ummm Ok” and we walked in together with solid resolve and determination…or something like that.

My husband’s faith is amazing, he is so strong in the Lord and just doesn’t worry; he just accepts that it is all in God’s hands. It drives me crazy and keeps me steady at the same time. I am so not that person. I have to constantly tell myself that God is in control and that He has us on this path for a reason. But where Rick stops and accepts, I keep digging for the reason.

This may be a long post…So here is what we found out…NOTHING. I’m not sure what I was expecting, I guess that I was expecting for her to look at me and through divine intervention be able to pinpoint the issue right there on the spot…instant gratification and unrealistic expectations, welcome to my life.

Don’t get me wrong, Dr. M was great. She was very thorough in gathering our histories and had already studied my file in depth. This made me feel like she was really paying attention and that we weren’t just another couple in a cattle call line. After gathering our histories she did a physical exam and internal ultrasound on me. She explained everything that was appearing on the screen and showed no signs of concern or approval (darn it). She was able to get great images of my uterus and right ovary, but my left ovary was not as cooperative and boy did it hurt when she was pushing around in there trying to get a good view. RED FLAG. After the exam, we went onto her office and I thought “OK, here it comes”, I may have even winced a little. She explained the 3 main reasons for infertility which are: 1 – Sperm Issues, 2 – Ovulation issues, and 3 – Scar tissue/Endometriosis. She didn’t divulge any suspicion of what is going on other than there is something that is preventing us from getting pregnant, Duh, but that it could be any number of things.

I derived from the information that she was giving us, from my symptoms, and the ultra sound that she suspects possible Insulin Resistance that can cause PCOS and possible Endometriosis on my left ovary. She also wanted to check for antibodies in Rick that are sometimes present after a vasectomy reversal. The antibodies essentially see the sperm as alien entities in the body and attach to the sperm disabling them from swimming. Apparently, sperm are kept hidden from the immune system and when a breach of the male reproductive system is made, say in the instance of a vasectomy or a reversal, the immune system becomes aware of the sperm and can decide to attack or ignore them. We also found out that work out or nutritional supplements that men use to aid them in gaining weight or building muscle, specifically containing any kind of testosterone booster will wipe out a man’s sperm count. I didn’t know that…did you? Guess what Rick takes!!!

Anyway, I found out that there is a whole lot more to getting pregnant than meets the eye and the plan is to systematically rule out possible problems one test at a time, but in a hurry, then wait and hurry again. Everything has to be done at certain points in a woman’s menstrual cycle.

THE PLAN:

1. Yesterday Rick and I both had blood drawn for the antibody test
2. This morning I had to rush a sample ala Rick back the Dr. M and have a fasting blood panel drawn from me to test for hormones, thyroid, and insulin resistance. We won’t get those results until next week. They will also combine Rick’s sample with the blood they drew from us yesterday to check for the antibodies and will complete a sperm motility test. Those results should be in this afternoon.
3. I started the Basal Body Temperature Chart today (day 10 of my cycle) and will continue to chart my temperature every morning before getting out of bed or even turning the light on. My temperature is supposed to drop on the days of ovulation and then rise until I start my next period. If I’m not ovulating (a sign of PCOS and Insulin Resistance) the temperature shouldn’t drop as expected.
4. I start using an Ovulation Kit tomorrow (day 12 of my cycle) and continue until the strip indicated a surge in the LH hormone that indicates ovulation. If the tests do not show a surge in the LH hormone by day 14 or 15, I have to call Dr. M.
5. Then they will perform a Post Coital exam, ultra sound, and blood pregnancy test, Pretty much I have to go in and have a pap test within 12 hours of intimacy. Umm Yuk!
6. IF I’m not pregnant by then, I will have an Endometrial Biopsy at day 26 pr 27 of my cycle, right before I am supposed to start my period. This tests the thickness of my uterine lining to see if it is thick enough to support a fertilized egg. If not I think they will start me on progesterone suppositories to thicken the lining.
7. More tests…to be continued

So, remaining true to my analytical tendencies, after church, I popped open the laptop and I researched the notes that the nurse took and tried to figure out what everything she told us meant. I hope I explained it well up above and provided the links to further answer any questions you might have.

I am not really confused, but I am more worried, and have more questions than I did before we went. For instance, if I have Insulin Resistance and have had it for sometime, do I also have the other serious conditions such as heart disease and will I develop full blown diabetes because of this? Will I have to take medicine for the rest of my life and if not will the medicine affect my liver increasing the potential for liver cancer? Will I have to take hormone therapy which also increases the chance for several types of cancer? As you can probably tell I am really scared of cancer.

Alas, through the research I have found that if I do have to take insulin medication, it is generally not forever and can be discontinued after loosing 5 to 7 percent of my current body weight. Apparently, maintaining a healthy body weight makes a considerable difference in how your body reacts to insulin and insulin has a direct effect on ovulation. If weight is kept at a reasonable level and I exercise regularly that will also keep me from developing full blown diabetes. One major symptom of insulin resistance is the inability to loose weight no matter how hard you try. The medication allows the body to absorb the insulin correctly therefore allowing the body to burn the sugar stores normally and in turn allowing the person to loose excess body weight.

So as it stands right now, we are on the path, to what end I have no idea, but again God has us on this path for a reason. Psalms 119:105 says “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path”. A few years ago I heard a sermon in which the preacher asked what happens when you are camping at night and hold a lantern up? The answer is that the lantern projects light out a further distance away from the base and allows the camper to see further or perhaps many different paths that could be taken. Then what happens when the lantern is placed on the ground near the feet? The answer is that the light is only projected out about a foot from the base allowing the camper only to see their next step. I think that the verse means that if we stay close to God through His word, he will show us where to take our next step; only one step at a time, but the right step. For us to refrain from lifting the lantern and trying to see too far or figure out, on our own, which way to go requires faith, trust, and the ability to surrender control of our futures. That is what I am struggling with right now. As I have said before, I had a picture in my mind of my life and so far nothing that I pictured has happened how I pictured it and that is because GOD is in control, I’m not. Realizing and understanding that God is in control is not the problem, accepting that fact and relinquishing the facade of control is the problem. Fear of the unknown.

So even though I don’t know what will happen or what we will find out, I know that I can talk to God and that he will hear me and take away my fears (Psalm 34:4). I also know that God has opened this door for a reason and that if I wasn’t supposed to see Dr. M then Dr. R wouldn’t have referred me to her. I choose to hold my lamp low and follow His path one step at a time.

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Have a blessed Day!
April

Call To Prayer...A Mom in Need

Have you ever felt like your world is going down an endless downward spiral?? I have, and for the past few days another mom blogger has been on my mind and in my heart. Her name is Emily and she is over at Mumblings from Troy Ohio.

I'm not sure how Emily found my blog, but she left a comment on my Why Ask Why post. From her comment I linked to her blog and started reading. What I found both touched and shocked me. See Emily had lost her baby girl, Leila, at 20 weeks and she was already blogging about what she was going through. It took me a year and a half to take that step. Emily has a husband and a little boy, Andrew, who are also dealing with the grief of loosing little Leila.

My call to you is to pray for her, send her a kind or encouraging word, let her know that she is not alone.

When I first "met" Emily, she was walking close to Jesus, leaning on Him for strength and there were glimpses of light in the darkness. But over the past weeks of following Emily, I am reminded of the many emotions that I went through right after Jacob's death and the fears of facing people. Of people looking at me and whispering to the person next to them, "hey, there's that lady who's baby died." I know too well how easy it is to let the darkness and despair come over you. The emotions are sometimes so overwhelming and it is so easy to just let the sadness overtake you and put you in a place where nothing else matters. She and her family need our prayers.

Emily, if you are reading this; here is my prayer for you...

Dear Lord, PLEASE hear my prayer for a friend that I have never met. I know that you are there with her and that you share her pain.

Please Lord, put your protective arms around Emily and infuse her with the strength that she needs. Whisper to her heart that you are there and that you hold her perfect Leila in your arms just as you are holding her.

Please Lord take her pain away and replace it with the knowledge that she will see her little girl again and with the hope that in time she will understand your ways. Let her know that she is loved and feel that she is needed.

Please Lord, lay it on other's heart to pray for her, to reach out to her and her family. Send her a person who will help her to laugh again as you sent those to me. Give that person the strength to pull her up by her bootstraps and show her how to walk again.

Please Lord, help her to overcome the fear and sadness that threaten to overcome her. Help her to open her eyes and look into the eyes of her family and know that they need her.

Please Lord, call her close to you that she may feel peace in a raging storm.

Amen

Psalms 34:4: "I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears."

Have a Blessed Day...

What do you mean wait? Haven't you heard of INSTANT gratification?!

Ok, so I'll admit that I am not the most patient of women...I can hear my husband laughing at that comment...hysterically. I expect results and I like things to be completed and completed correctly. There's nothing wrong with that, right?

When I am in front of a class full of students, teaching, and there are a thousand questions, I have no problem with patience. When a student doesn't bring in their assignment for the 3rd day in a row; I had patience the first two days, now it's gone. When my children ignore me after I ask them to do something...no patience. When I have to wait on an item that I really want, patience leaves quickly. That is why I work with computers and technology...I hit a button and results follow immediately...no waiting required.

My husband recently taught a lesson in VBS about Abraham and Isaac and in his message he touched briefly upon how long Abraham waited for his promised son Isaac. God first came to him with the promise of Isaac when Abraham was 75 years old and Isaac was born when Abraham was 100 years old. By my calculations, that is 25 years. Wow, that is a long time to wait for anything, let alone a promised child. I'm not so sure that I would be able to hold out that long.

Though Abraham and Sarah's faith did not falter, their obedience and patience did, resulting in the birth of Ishmael...a child, but not their child and not the child promised of God. This disobedience opened up a whole new can of worms that I won't get into now...and I'd like to avoid any more drama in my life!

As I listened to my husband, I couldn't help but draw a parallel between the situation that I currently find myself in and what Abraham and Sara went through...with a few variances of course. God didn't come to me and promise a child that will produce many nations...Although I often tell my husband that I wish God would just come and tell me what to do, so I can follow His known will instead of fumbling around and messing things up. That would be so much easier!

Anyway, the most apparent similarity is that I am waiting for God to send us a child, and waiting and waiting and waiting. Why the waiting is so difficult, aside from Jacob's death, is that I really haven't had to wait in this area before. Trystan was a complete surprise and Jacob was wanted, but conceived way earlier than doctor's expected....see no waiting.

It has been 17 months since Jacob's death; we have been "trying" to conceive for 14 months, and I have had one confirmed but we suspect two miscarriages. So, what's the deal??? Why the wait??? Come on Lord, I am 30, the clock is ticking...and in rushes the fear. What if something is wrong? What if I can't get pregnant? I'm not ready to be without a child yet, I only have six active parenting years left with Trystan....Hold on, I need a paper bag!!!

This is where I have to catch my breath and TRY to turn to scripture...and then remember my husband telling me that God does talk to us, but we have to read His words to find His messages.

Psalms 27:14 says "Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall
strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD."

Psalms 33:20 says "Our soul waiteth for the LORD: he is our help and our
shield."

Psalms 37:7 says "Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not
thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who
bringeth wicked devices to pass."

So, maybe what is expected of me at this time is obedience. Obedience to wait on God. This is proving to be a difficult task for me. But really, I have no choice but to wait. Obviously, I can't make myself become pregnant or we wouldn't be having this discussion, nor would I be hyperventilating. So maybe it is the manner in which I wait or the attitude that I have while waiting that needs attention.

Though difficult at times, I can control what I focus on while waiting. I can push the negative thoughts away and lay my fears at God's feet. I can read God's word and PRAY. I can trust in God and His promises; and so can you.

Have a Blessed Day!

Please God...

Please God, forgive me of my many sins and help me to choose a better path.

Please God, hear the prayers of my heart and take my fears away.

Please God, keep our family safe, together, healthy, and living for you.

Please God, don’t take me from my family.

Please God, fill the empty room down the hall with the gift of a child.

Please God, show my children that the proper result of pregnancy is not death but life. Don’t let their last experience of Jacob be their only frame of reference that may scare them into never wanting a family or children of their own.

Please God, fill the void I feel in my heart and in my arms with the gift of a child.

Please God, don’t leave empty the crib, car seat, stroller, walker, swing, and bathtub that still lie unused in the loft of our garage. Fill those items with a child’s coo, giggle, and cry.

Please God, give me the chance to see the look on my husband’s face as he rocks our baby to sleep while singing a song, the smile on Trystan’s face as he pick’s up a sibling so eager to be held, to see the smile and raised arms of a child who just realized that mommy walked through the door; and let my ears hear the ring of and excited “Mommy…” as a child runs to my arms. To see the healing that will take place as my parents hold their grandchild and may it restore the joy that they once held in you.

Please God, allow me to reach people with our story of Jacob, who is with you; then allow me to be able to tell them of the blessings of the gift of a child you sent to us after Jacob.

Please God, take away the feeling of uselessness as Trystan grows and needs me far less than I desire. Take away the emptiness I feel when our house is silent, void of the sounds of children.

Please God, help me to enjoy the new season of independence that Trystan has entered instead of being consumed by missing his toddler days. Help me to help him become the young man that you would have him to be.

Please God, place your hands on my Dr. as she examines me and reviews the last year’s activities. Please let the result be that nothing is wrong with me, that I am healthy, and that I can conceive again and give birth to a healthy, living child that will be raised by both parents, together, in a loving and faithful home.

Please God, help my doubt, my fear, and my impatience. Help me to remember that my time is not your time; my ways are not your ways.

Please God, give me peace and joy in whatever result for my life that your perfect plan holds.