I'll Have Some Perspective with A Side of Humble Pie Please...

So with everything that has been going on and getting worse by the way...I have found my naturally multi- tasking self becomming singularly focused on one thing and that one thing is the cause of upheaval and pain in my life and the lives of my husband and my children.

Then my husband ran across this...

http://spiritlessons.com/passionofchristpictures.htm

At this point Jesus had been "dead" for almost two days and was in Hell, where I like to believe he was informing Satan that God had already won and that all of his past and future efforts are futile...no matter what he tries or how long he is allowed or try...God still wins.

In a few hours, Jesus would rise from the "dead" and spend the next 40 days appearing to, talking to, eating with, and convincing US that He IS alive. He even allows Thomas to prove that His crucifiction wounds are real by placing his fingers in the wrist wounds.

Now He is ALIVE and preparing a place for me and for all of us who are called by His name. Christians, those who have accepted Jesus as their saviour.

What are the things that I am dealing with compared to the pain that Jesus went through? Nothing that's what...but Jesus knows what I and my family are feeling because he has already been there...He knows more pain than I can even fathom and He went through that pain for ME...and for YOU.

We are not alone and God knows why these things are happening and one day I will know too!!!

Have a Blessed Day!!!

Thank You!

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers.

I came through the D&C without any complications and that is a huge blessing. I'm still kinda woozy from the anesthesia, but it is getting better. I was still dizzy and nauseated even though they gave 5 different kinds of meds for that...nothing is ever easy!!

Anyway, God blessed and answered that prayer and I am sooo grateful for that...now we're praying for acceptance and mental/physical recovery.

Two of my great friends and my mom got me up and drug me out of the house for a walk yesterday. It was nearly 50 degrees and super sunny out and the walk did improve my mindset, so that was a blessing too. I've never had emotional issues like depression or anxiety, but this very well may have pushed me over the ledge...So I am determined to stay busy and keep my mind filled with the positive!!!

Rick took the day off today and we're going to get out of the house with my mom and just try to not think about things. To focus on upcoming events and projects that we have plans for...like getting back into my skinny pants!!!

We are at the point that we both think that the Dr. is going to tell us that we should not try to get pregnant again and in the here and now we both agree with that...it just seems too risky for my health and obviously the health of a baby. And I don't want to put our family through this again. My parents, sister, and friends we're all so excited that we were having a baby and now their hearts are broken all over again too...I just can't put them through that again. But on the other hand it is the loss or death of a dream that we have had together since we've been married...and that is very painful to let go. I am also overly concerned about how both of these losses have affected Trystan and the boys. All they knows of pregnancy is death and sadness and I don't want that for them...

I'm sure in time all will be revealed...God knows and will push, pull, and, drag us through this.

Have a Blessed Day.
April

Preparing for VICTORY!!!

So the 12wk check up with Dr.E went well. I gained only 4lbs in 5wks, but my blood pressure was 142/80...not horrible but not great either. Dr.E chalked it up to me being nervous and said to check it every few days just to be on the safe side. The baby's heart beat was good after they finally found it...no joke that it took them 10 minutes...yeah like that is going to help my BP go down!!!

So after we get back to the van, Rick kinda gets on to me about being stressed out...Yes, I am a worrier, but generally I have a pretty positive outlook on things...or I used to. So in a very frustrated manner but not hateful I turned to him and said "Look just because you don't worry about anything, doesn't mean that I'm built the same way...I'm trying not to be stressed out, but you weren't in the Dr's office the last time that they tried to find the heartbeat and didn't, so back up a few steps and give me some time OK!" A bit harsh, yeah OK, but true...very very true. I mean how do you get that memory out of your head??? As soon as I walk through those doors every muscle in my body tenses up and that day just keeps running over and over in my mind...ridiculous I know, but I can't stop it.

So here's the kicker and don't laugh after you read it!!! Well I guess you can.

We were lucky enough to have had Luke and Hollan Bishop, some super great friends and devoted Christians, come up from Arkansas to speak at our church's Valentines Day Banquet on Saturday. They are great friends with our Pastor and his wife, Chad and Jenny Foster, and through Triple S Christian Ranch, we have been blessed to become friends with them too. So it was great to hang out with them on Sat evening and to hear Brother Luke preach on Sunday morning and evening.

So about 1/2 of the way through Luke's Sunday morning message, I was like man this is great. He was preaching on Psalms 118:24 and the message was today is the BEST day of our lives. We don't have tomorrow and yesterday is gone, so TODAY is the day that God has designed for us individually...wonderful message. I was thinking through the nausea that I was going to pray that God will help me will myself into a better mood about being sick all of the time and just be grateful to be where God has me right now (Phillipians 4:11). I was feeling pretty good about the message and not really being convicted about sin or anything...until...DuuDuuDuuuu (insert eerie sound here)...Luke gets to point 3.

We as Christians should be preparing for victory rather than loss...so many Christians prepare for bad news, then when something good happens they praise the Lord. Its the prepare for the worst and hope for the best mentality...OK could God have hit me in the head any harder...then right at that time guess who prods my shoulder...yep my loving husband. I look over at him and his HUGE smile and I told you so eyes...ugh. So there it was... conviction. Now what...how am I supposed to let go of the fear and prepare for victory??? During the invitation time I just stood there and balled and over and over I asked God to forgive my doubt and help me to prepare for victory and let go of the loss. I think I repeated it about 100 times hoping that when I lifted my head I would have a whole different perspective and all of the fear would be gone. But alas, the fear was there, but so was the knowledge that God will help me prepare for victory.

I was directed back to my favorite verse that was shown to me through my dad's bible that he carried in Dessert Storm...Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and He delivered me from all my fears."

So here is my mission...to prepare for victory. To take the steps necessary to put my trust fully in God that He knows what He is doing; that both the baby He has gifted us with, me, and our family are safe in His hands and He will keep us that way. The time to move forward is now.

Thank you, Brother Luke for being willing to be an open vessel for God to speak through you and in turn spark knowledge and understanding in me.

I'll keep you all posted on my march to victory, pray that I don't tuck tail and run!!!

Have a Blessed Day!!!

April