Life Thru Logic and Faith

So what does my son say....Oh yeah..."Epic Fail"

2011-03-11T18:46:00.000-08:00

Soooooo weigh in was today....not so good....up three pounds!

This could be attributed to several things...but the biggest reason is that I have been eating bad foods and had not been exercising. Wow...so what they say is true...you do have to eat right and exercise in order to loose weight. What you don't know is that the last two weeks was really a covert experiment...I was trying to disprove the theory....and failed epically. Now I can tell you with absolute positivity that to loose weight you have to eat the right foods and exercise. Yeay!

This week I fit in two exercise sessions. An hour and a half of racket ball, from which I was very...very sore, and an hour of Zumba, which I couldn't do very well because I was soooo sore from the racket ball. I know...you should have seen me trying to do the grape vine while I could barely lift my leg...hilarious may not completely cover it!

Anyway...I'm back to the comfort food diet cookbook, calorie tracking, and as much exercise as I can fit in.

Here are some things that worked for me...during the month of weight loss!

I have found that my favorite low cal snacks are marshmallows (4 for 100 calories), chocolate pudding (100 calories), and Yoplait parfaits (100 calories).
I need to track my calories...otherwise I underestimate calories and cheat because I think I am doing ok for the day...and I forget about what I have already eaten.
I need to drink more...force myself to drink more...I can go the entire day on two cups of coffee in the morning and only a few sips of water during the day. When I was drinking more, I was definitely less hungry, more regular... if you know what I mean, and generally felt better.
I definitely have to shop for the week. When I was doing that, I already knew what I we were going to eat for dinner and for lunch the next day. I didn't feel the need to go out or order in because I didn't know what I was going to fix for dinner. Plus I saved money...a dual advantage.
I know a few things that I absolutely am not compromising on and don't really feel bad about them... I am considering it a reward for eating well the rest of the time... The first is real coffee creamer. I have tried the fat free...um yuk...the sugar free...soooo gross....and the generic brand with fewer calories...still gross. So I'm keeping my regular creamer having two tablespoons of it with splenda in my coffee and adjusting my breakfast to stay within the 350 breakfast allowance. It really isn't that difficult especially with breakfast. The second is real mayonnaise. I don't use much anyway...but when I do...I want it to taste like mayo...not glue.
I have to make time for exercise...like plan for it...almost like an appointment. And I have to be satisfied to get even 15 minutes in on some days...because some days even 15 minutes is an accomplishment.
If I want a piece of chocolate...I can have it...as long as track it and stay within my daily allowance. Did I mention that I really like chocolate!!!

Ok...so now that I have reminded myself and you of what I have learned and proven that indeed we do have to eat right and exercise to loose weight...I'm going to try super hard to make all y'all super proud of me come the next weigh in! Keep me in your prayers!

Have a Blessed Day!
April

BTW...I was at 184 last weig in and am at 187 now...sad face :-(

Wait! I need to jump back on the wagon!!!

2011-03-04T17:48:00.000-08:00

So...I'm down 8 pounds....BUT the last two weeks have found me falling off of the wagon! Darn that stress!

So the last few weeks are not the best weeks of the year for our household and add in the stress eating issue and you have a recipe for a diet disaster. But fear not, I haven't lost anything in two weeks but I haven't gained anything either.

So, like I said in the first post, I'm not going to focus on the failure, I'm going to focus on the goal.

Next weigh in is in two weeks...hopefully I'll have better results!

Have a Blessed Day!
April

Two Weeks Down...

2011-01-22T20:51:00.000-08:00

I am two weeks in and I gotta tell you, I was pretty nervous on weigh in day. I was really dreading stepping on that scale to see a minuscule change or even a gain after all of the calorie counting and food measuring that had been going on over the past two weeks. Yeah, I was freaking out even before I walked in the hospital doors. Nevertheless, I closed my eyes, stepped up, and weighed in. When I opened my eyes I saw...SUCCESS on the scale readout!!! I lost 5.6 pounds!!! The nutritionist was pretty impressed and I was pretty psyched myself.
Here's what I have been doing:

Taking it one day at a time...seriously...I wake up and pray for the power to put the earplugs in and ignore the call of the chocolate and the ability to make a life change.
Tracking my calories. A friend (RC) told me about www.everydayhealth.com, where I signed up for a free account that allows users to track their calories with a daily food log. It can be personalized to fit each user's needs. For instance, I am trying to stay at 1400 calories a day so the tracker tells me how many calories I have left for the day and whether I have gone over or under my daily limit. I can search for the foods I have eaten and add them to my daily log or I can add my own foods with calories. It is a pretty cool site with a bunch of features.
Planning my meals and snacks. This is helping me with more than just calorie control. By doing a weekly meal plan, I am able to save money by knowing what I need at the store instead of just walking the isles and grabbing what suites my fancy at the time. I am able to save time by knowing what I am going to make so I don't have to try to throw something together in a hurry. I am using the Taste of Home Comfort Food Diet cookbook and I LOVE it. Of the seven recipes I have cooked all of them were hits with my family. The book separates the recipes into categories and gives the calories and nutritional value for each serving of every recipe. It also gives testimonials, a free food list - which is awesome, an example meal plan - which I haven't used yet, and suggests very achievable goals. I searched it for you and found it for just over $10.00 @ Barnes & Noble, but you can order yours from http://www.tasteofhome.com/ too...although it is more expensive there.
Following the serving sizes and measuring. I moved my measuring cups out of the drawer and onto the counter so they are right there and ready to use AND I am using them. I am measuring out my own 100 calorie or less snack packs and putting them all in a "Snack" basket in the cabinet. When any of us want a snack and fruit just won't do, all we have to do is grab a bag and we know that it is a controlled serving.
Not going to extremes...sometimes I just want CHOCOLATE and nothing else will work. There are 22 calories in one Hershey's Kiss...so I will have one or two and log it. It is better for me to have two kisses or a pudding parfait made with fat free pudding, light whipped cream, and a sprinkle of chopped nuts at 55 calories than to completely cut off every indulgence and then binge on all things chocolate when I have a bad day...pick your battles. I am also allowing for one "free" meal...not day...M-E-A-L. Tonight we went to a birthday party for a friend at a great restaurant...I kept my meals and snack light and banked my calories so I would be able to eat what I wanted (within reason). I was pretty proud of myself when I passed on the cake...Yay me!
Drink water or no calorie beverages. I use Splenda in my coffee and tea so there are no calories there...but I don't want to over do the Splenda and then find out it is linked to some kind of horrible health problem like aspartame was. I am drinking regular and flavored water as much as I can and am finding that low and behold...it works. I am not nearly as hungry and I am not craving the soda and sugary drinks.
Exercising. Actually, I was pretty lax on the physical activity front. The Zumba class was a flop and I didn't make it to any other classes due to a hectic schedule and snow days, but I did work out to dvds with a friend ...but not consistently. I think that is why I was nervous about the weigh in.

All in all, I think it was a good two weeks with a great result. Now that I have seen an actual accomplishment, I am revived and ready to keep on going. Actually, being the competitive person that I am and knowing that the second weigh in usually shows a lesser result, I am motivated to do more and have worked out the last three nights instead of every other day. That is my new goal; to do a workout each day!

On Thursday I pinched or pulled a nerve in my lower back, which let me tell you is not fun, but even with that issue I am still trying to do some kind of work out each day. RC and I are loving the Biggest Loser workouts. I am doing the Biggest Loser Power Walk right now and LOVE it. It is low impact but burns the calories with 4 different mile "walks". I started with walk 1 and am now combining them to equal the number of miles I want to do each day and it isn't hurting my back.

This experience has been somewhat time consuming, but I have adjusted quickly and since I am making the change for the whole family, we are kind of working together. Trystan picked out Skinny Minty frozen yogurt and uses the 1/2 cup measure to scoop out the right serving size AND has reduced the items he eats at breakfast and lunch...willingly I might add. I think this change is definitely having a possitive effect on everyone!!

My next weigh in is in two weeks on February 2nd. I'll keep you posted!!

Have a Blessed Day!!
April

And So it Begins...

2011-01-06T20:17:00.000-08:00

In this corner...weighing in at a whopping 192 pounds...the 5' 4" hot wing....Aprrrriiiiillll.

After the initial shock of facing the fact that the last time I weighed this amount I was a few days away from giving birth and had Pr -eclampsia and Toxemia, which made me retain water, and after he was born, I lost 40 pounds of water weight in a week. In other words I have NEVER weighed this much...ever.

God love my husband, who when I broke the news to him said "Naaa, you don't look like you weigh that much." I had to laugh and give him a grateful hug, but then the hair went up and I got down to business trying to figure out why I am so disciplined in all other areas of my life except this one. Why does the chocolate speak to me? Why does it beckon me so? I looked the chocolate in the cookie and swore to put ear plugs in...at least for a while. I mean really, my dad is a retired Army Drill Sgt.; a man of sheer will power and discipline...I after all, am his daughter and have been told all of my life that I am just like him. IF he can tell himself to just not eat it or to just get up and run...I should be able to too...right!?

So I developed a plan of attack...
1) Personal Responsibility...Realize and Admit that this is my fault and if I could do it, I can UNdo it.
2) Become Captain Calorie Counter to an extent. Try to stick to 1400 to 1500 calories a day. 350 for Breakfast, 450 for lunch, 550 for dinner, and 50 to 150 leeway for snacks. I am using the Taste of Home Comfort Food Diet Cook book to help out with this part and I am keeping a food journal. I am also trying to stay as natural as possible by staying away from all of the Aspartame and diet drinks and foods...The only artificial item I have used thus far is Splenda and from my research that is not close to the same thing as Aspartame...although with time we may find out it is much worse...but we have to pick out battles right.
3) Get to the Y at least twice a week for at least an hour and work out at least twice a week at home.
4) Don't give up if I mess up.

Ok, so my first day, today, was going great. I was under the calorie count at breakfast and only had 270 of the 450 allowed calories at lunch...I was on a roll. Then, I had to eject a student from my classroom, which I HATE doing, and ended up scarfing not one, not two, but FOUR chocolate chip cookies. Yeah I know...ear plugs right. BUT here's the silver lining...I looked up the cookies on-line and found that they were only 47 calories each, so at 188 calories since I didn't take in the available 450 calories at lunch...I was still within my limit...WOOOOOHOOOO. Slight setback, but not the end of the diet.

As planned, I attended the Zumba class that I had so been looking forward to. But it lacked in the intensity and energy that I had with my last instructor...disappointingly, I didn't even break a sweat. BUT at least I was up and moving and I did get one of the two Y trips in.

Then dinner, rotisserie chicken with butternut squash and tropical fruit mix, came in under the radar at 280 calories. But when I add in the two pieces of provolone cheese and small banana that I snacked on in the car on the way home because it was 7:30pm and I hadn't eaten since the four cookies. I ended dinner with 460 calories and well within the daily range.

Overall...even with the cookie scarfing incident...it was a pretty successful day and God willing, tomorrow will be even better.

The next weigh in is in two weeks...I'll keep you posted and you keep me accountable!!

Have a Blessed Day,
April

Welcome 2011

2010-12-30T18:53:00.000-08:00

Hello and Welcome 2011...I'm glad you are finally here.

The past year has brought with it a continued turmoil, a second child loss, and also some great times of fun and rejoicing withfriends, our family, and our boys. I am praying that 2011 will usher in a new beginning on all fronts.

That God's ministry will spread and that we, as a church, will be able to find new means to reach people for the Lord.

That a new start to the year will bring a lasting effort on the part of my family to become more healthy and LESS stressed. The tumultuous events of the last 2 years have really left us in poor shape...dealing or not dealing with with recurring anxiety and unrelenting stress that has had negative effects on all of us both mentally and physically. I for one, am sporting some extra cushion all over and find my fuse getting shorter with each heart palpitation that passes...YES all of it is from anxiety.

That a new more positive attitude will sweep through our home and allow us to really enjoy our time together. It is such waste to let outside influences that are out of our control ruin what could be really great memories with the people we truly love and are present in our lives. This life and the time we have are gifts from God and waisting them away in anger, resentment, and fear of what might happen next or who will hurt us next is....well...it definitely isn't how God wants us to spend our time alone or with those we love. This attitude has been a dark cloud looming over our home for over a year now and let me just say that I am over it, my husband and sons are over it, and I am ready to get our REAL life back.

That this new year will bring a new outlook and set of goals for our oldest son. Over the Christmas break we, as a family, decided to walk through a door that the Lord has opened for him. Starting January 3rd, 2011 he will begin a new grade at a new school. We loved our Christian school, but had for some time been considering returning to the public school system for several reasons and have been apprehensive for several reasons, but low and behold the door was opened and just as we have since Rick and I have been together, we prayed, felt peace, and walked through the door. So my prayer is that he is a light to those around him...a picture of an alternate way of life. I feel that this transition holds a burden for our son to stand for God and the way He wants us to live. By showing others that it is ok to say no and refraine from the not -so-good-fo- you activities that so many of our teens are exposed to and get roped into.

That I will lighten up on the heavy load of expectations that I place on my family...not to be perfect by any means, but to take care of business the way I would, rather than the way that they need to handle things. This is a definite shortcoming in my make up.

In keeping with tradition...here come the resolutions...

My two goals for 2011 are to become more healthy by loosing weight and increasing our family's physical activity AND getting our finances under control.

True to form, I already have a plan ready for both items on the list and am itching to place check marks by both of them. It is the following through of the plan that I have found to be so elusive to me...did you know that lack of focus and a shortened attention span is a part of anxiety??? I didn't either until it happened to me...it is very frustrating...squirrel!!! Sorry about that...that was a shout out to all of my Up movie friends...anyway the lack of focus thing actually is a part of anxiety issues.

So here is my health plan....We as a family joined the YMCA, I just signed up for our local Biggest Loser group with a team who is sure to kill me...in love...if I don't produce results, and got a new Taste of Home Comfort Food DIET cookbook that has a super realistic take on using food as a tool to become healthier. I am excited about all three things and thanks to a few of my blog creepers (Miss A and Mrs. S) who reminded me that I haven't blogged for a while...I am going to track my progress here... at least every two weeks on weigh in days. Maybe having even MORE accountability areas will make me stay on track.

Finance plan...STOP SPENDING MONEY!!! In the next few days, I am realigning my budget and I am looking into the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University program and plan to take those classes as soon as I can get into one.

I hope that all of you have a FABULOUS and SAFE New Year celebration and am looking forward to Welcoming a new year with all of you!!!

I'll see you back here on the 5th...initial weigh in day for the Biggest Loser and yes, unfortunately I will be sharing the dreaded number here...yikes!!!

Have a Blessed Day!

April

It's About Time...

2010-11-18T05:49:00.000-08:00

Or the lack of it. Where has the time gone? I need more time. Time is of the essence. We're running out of time. These are a few of the lines that have been running through my head and out of my mouth for the past few months and boy are they true in every situation. We have been so busy and blessed that IF I get the chance to sit for a minute...I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I need to be doing something constantly.

Time is a treasure that is unique unto itself. It is the only thing that passes without ever stopping. Can't be rewound or fast forwarded. Can be given and taken, used to full advantage and squandered. It can make or break relationships, food, and everything else except plastic... And once it's gone...it's gone.

Time is a gift from God and he intends for us to use it wisely and in service to Him by being a blessing to our families and to others around us. I think that means trying to find a balance between taking care of my family and home with doing outside of the home. Right now, that is an area where I struggle, as God have given me the spiritual gift of administration and service so I'm pretty much an organized worker who sees more efficient ways of doing things and therefore want to make things work better than before and I am often asked to do so by most of those around me....that would be the gift of administration.

How I approach this can be good or bad. In reference to my family...yes I take care of them, BUT since I do so much FOR them, am I not enabling them to become lazy and just know that Mom will take care of it. I have found that to be true. Instead of just doing, I must teach them how to organize themselves and keep track of things like assignments and due dates instead of constantly reminding them of what they have going on. Letting go of that and letting your kids fail in order to learn is VERY VERY difficult for me.

As far a giving of time, I often just say sure I can do that because I feel the need to help...that would be the gift of service. What I am finding is that I often OVER schedule or OVER volunteer to the point that I feel like I am only seeing my family in passing or that I am staying up into all hour of the night trying to finish everything I need to get done.

So where is the balance??? This is what I am trying to to do find that balance. When I am asked to do something, I am trying to remember to say "Let me check my calendar" instead of just saying yes without thinking about the other goings on in that time frame. I am trying to be in bed by 10:00 or 10:30 on 3 out of the 7 days of the week. I am trying to ask myself if the kids are capable, not do they want to, but are they capable of completing this task by themselves and letting them do it when the answer is yes. And I am trying to make myself realize that my expectations of myself are what I am trying to reach and often times they are unrealistic. For instance, if I have a photo session on Saturday, those people don't expect their pictures to be reviewed, edited, and posted within 24 hours...but that is my expectation of myself.

So far, these few "sanity savers" have been working for me. I have only been doing it for like 7 days, but I have noticed that I am making more quality time for my family, the schedule seems a bit less chaotic (still full but not over full), kids are doing stuff, and I am not up until 1 or 2 am so often because I have a little more time to get things done during the day. And I have even worked out for the past two days!!!

It is about time...and how we choose to use it...that ultimately reveals a life of fulfillment and happiness that both God and we can be proud of.

Have a Blessed Day!!
April

Long Time No Post...Update

2010-08-28T20:28:00.000-07:00

Hello again, sorry I've been away so long....

Daily events keep me up and moving with little down time in which I choose to sleep rather than post. However, I have missed my little piece of Internet space and am now taking advantage of the whole 30 minutes that I have to write this rather than fold the laundry that seems to multiply by the minute. Seriously, I thought that as my kids got older the less laundry I would have...ummm NO...sorry to burst your bubble all of you out there who are still praying for that, but not only do I have MORE laundry, but the sizes are bigger so I can't fit as much into one load!!!

Anyway, back to the post...I am really excited about a few things that are going on right now in our lives...

Rick has designed and fabricated a HUGE smoker (BBQ Pit thingy) and has already received a cooking request!!! this is awesome, because my husband is soooooo talented on so many levels, but for whatever reason, never thinks he can do anything. I am really proud of him for dreaming this thing up, putting in the time and effort to build it, and seeing a finished product that works wonderfully. He smoked a few chickens and a pork roast for our family and a few great friends last night...it was seriously the best chicken I have ever had...one of our friends ate 3 chicken qtrs!!! Don't worry your identity is safe with me...

We're trying to decide on a name for this business endeavor and have narrowed it down to these three...Let me know what your vote is.
1. Triple T's BBQ
2. Triple T's Smokehouse
3. Three Boys BBQ

On the ministry front; the Lord is blessing young lives through the youth ministry we and our awesome helpers are involved in at church. Earlier in the year Rick presented an idea to supply all of those in our youth group with backpacks filled with school supplies...our church pulled together and were able to be a blessing to over 45 kids ages pre-k through 6th with those backpacks...since then we have had 4 kids start walking to church by themselves every Sunday for Sunday School and Service. WOO HOO...GO GOD!!!

AC Image is really taking off...I have shot several photo sessions and am keeping pretty busy. The best thing I did with this business is start by making a price list (good business practice)...but I am struggling with charging my friends (bad business practice). God is really blessing in this area and I am hoping to use any profit to help with Trystan's tuition and to rid us of debt. I have become very convicted about debt and am being pretty diligent in getting things paid down. Rick and I are looking into the Dave Ramsey program and would love to hear your feedback on that if you have any experience with it.

Our kids are doing great and we had an awesome summer together. Our Myrtle Beach vacation with my parents was so amazing. We all had such a wonderful time together and we did it with only one disciplinary action though the entire eight days...the Lord was definitely with us!!! Other than vacation we spent time with friends and each other for the majority of the summer...a lot of time in the pool and cooking out with friends.

Rick and I were both saddened at the onset of the school year, but we are getting back into the groove, so things will even out here soon. Trystan and Travis have moved into 7th grade and Tony is now in 5th. Trystan has moved into the teens class on Wednesday evenings and both he and Travis will move up to the Teens Sunday School class, which Rick teaches, in a week. It just doesn't seem right, but can't be avoided either...believe me, I've tried to avoid them growing up since they came into my life!!! I must say though that over the past month, I have really seen a change in maturity on Trystan's part. It is both scary and rewarding. All in all, our kids are awesome and we are blessed to have them.

On the new baby front, I am sad to say that I don't have any news to share; but on the flip side to that. I have come to terms with the fact that there is nothing I can do about it. So whatever God has in his plans, I have accepted and am working very hard at savoring what is happening now not what I though would be happening now.

I am also excited about the September book over at the Momtage. The book is Good Girls Don't Have to Dress Bad. I am really hoping that I will be able to read this one and that you might give it a chance too. A description of the book and where to order it can be found here. Even if you don't have time to read the book, go and check out Dana and Holly's site...there are many awesome stories, tips and tricks, and just great fellowship with other moms in all stages of motherhood.

Have a Blessed Day!!!

April

How Do I Love Thee...Let Me Count the Ways!

2010-06-30T22:47:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to my Knight in Shining Armour....
my Husband, Rick.

We, our boys and I, are having a big party for him after work on Thursday; but I wanted to express via my blog just how blessed I am that God gifted me with him and to say how proud I am of him for all that he has been through and continues to go through and still holds tight to his faith. Though he may not ever see this (because he doesn't read my blog unless I ask him to), I know that it is here and maybe one day he will run across it and feel blessed too.

Rick and I truly fulfill and compliment each other. Where I am weak, he is strong and where he may lack, I fill in. God knew what he was doing when he sent lightning through me that day in the field.

In the almost 6 years that we have been together we have never really had a disagreement over our relationship. Don't get me wrong we have had arguments and disagreed on several issues...but nothing that was directly tied to us. We, as a couple, have had to deal with so much adversity and negative situations, more than most couples ever deal with in their entire marriages, and we are still together and evolving. And let me tell you that the devil just keeps things coming,but we have determined that we've already been there done that and came out better...so we'll just keep on going for God and for us...TOGETHER.

I'm so proud of the steps he has taken out of his comfort zone towards where he feels God would have him. He has evolved from a super quite man with no self esteem to a less quite man with better self esteem who teaches the teens Sunday school class and runs our church's youth ministry program. He is asked often about his faith is never reluctant to take the opportunity to share God's plan of salvation though never coming across as a holier than thou person.

He is a wonderful father who loves his kids to death and a super wonderful husband.

One of my favorite things that he does is attack without warning. Seriously, either me or one of the kids will be standing up and sometimes in the middle of a conversation and then in an instant find ourselves on the floor being squished and tickled. Too funny and sometimes too painful...LOL

I love it when he brings me a cup of coffee to wake me up before he goes to work and when he pumps his fists back and forth in excitement. The fist pumping is a rare event and usually takes place after a sports victory of some kind.

It is hilarious when he tells the kids (especially Travis) something and they look at me to see if he's telling the truth. Or when one of the kids walks in front of the parked vehicle and he honks the horn to scare them...Sometimes he can get them with the fake stories, but they have sooo gotten over the horn honk and he still does it...just in case.

He also drives 6 hours every week to pick up and drop off his kids (after they were moved without his knowledge or consent) to make sure that they know that he loves them, wants them, and will never abandon them.

So, here's to you my knight in shining armour. Know that you are truly loved, highly regarded, and eagerly followed.

I love you and feel so blessed to be called your wife!!!

Your Wife

Fading Strength...Renewed Faith

2010-06-23T21:33:00.000-07:00

So I'm not really the pillar of strenght that everyone that surrounds me thinks I am...though I try hard to convince myself that I have that strength that everyone tells me I have. The strength that my name portrays...you know the little trinkets that say what your name means...well my mom picked one up for me and it says "April: she is a strong and protective lady; a female tower of strenght". What exactly do you see in me that projects that image? 'Cuz right now I really just want crawl into bed, suck my thumb, and cry for at least a week or more...OR glutton myself to death with large quantities of chocolate...NO, I'm really not kidding...sorry to burst your bubble.

I really thought that I was past the pain of loosing Jacob...but to hear, really hear that his death could have been prevented has brought some things to the surface that I thought I had suppressed or maybe they are new feelings...either way it hurts and I'm not a fan of pain...physical or otherwise.

And the worse part is that I have to figure out a way to tell my husband...I don't want to bring this back to him. Would it really be a bad thing to protect him from the information??? He does it to me all of the time.

As I was driving home from church heading into the most ominous looking storm that I may have ever seen...I began thinking about this and why...by the way why is a friend to no one...and in between the flashes of lightning revealing a storm that mirrored my mind at that time...I said "Lord. Please. Help me." then I heard these words:Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you?

If there’s a God who loves you where is He now?

Maybe there are things you can’t see, And all those things are happening to bring a better ending.

Someday, somehow you’ll see.

Would you dare; would you dare to believe that you still have a reason to sing

Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling; It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light. Press on and just fight the good fight

Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling; It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends. You know where you’re going.

You just don’t know how you’ll get there. So say a prayer.

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God.

But life is not a snapshot. It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture.

Once you feel the weight of glory; All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing.

Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling; It’s just the dark before the morning.

I think that God heard me...he answered my prayer...and removed my fears (Ps 34:4)...He answered me: He renewed my faith.

What strength do I have...none but what He gives me.

Have a Blessed Day.

April

Josh Wilson...Before The Morning

Before The Morning Documentary

Not a sobb story...but back to square 1

2010-06-22T16:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I had the appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist today and Dr. A was great.

I had no expectations other than I was supposed to find out that I had this protein S deficiency which would have explained a lot...like how Jacob died and why this miscarriage happened after 12 weeks...yeah a ton of questions that I had packed away in the back of my mind and refused to allow to come to the forefront were all going to be answered with the discovery that I have this protein deficiency; BUT that didn't happen.

Nope...Dr. A said that while Dr. DM was right in suspecting the protein deficiency, the blood panels that the labs drew measured the protein activity in the blood, which varies from day to day and hour to hour...but they were low so Dr. DM was right to send me to him. HOWEVER, IF I had the protein deficiency and that was what caused Jacob's death and the miscarriage; the placenta would have been at least partially clotted (that is what this disorder does...it restricts blood flow through the placenta with groups of small blood clots) and - yep, you guessed it - they weren't. There was absolutely nothing wrong with either placentas. But I do have to have the blood test specifically for the protein S deficiency just to make sure.

What he did say though is that when I was in labor at 36 weeks...and they gave me the shot to stop the contractions...and Jacob's development was 2 weeks ahead of schedule...they should have done a cesarean. Then a week later when I was still having contractions and was beginning to swell...they definitely should have done a cesarean especially because I had pre-eclampsia with Trystan...NICE!!
And he kept saying "With the next pregnancy..." and "When you get pregnant this time..."

So finally...I said "Dr. A here's what I need to know...and I really just want you to give me a straightforward answer...Is it smart for me to get pregnant...Is there a danger to me first of all because I have a family to take care of and I would rather live with this and be here for my family than not... and I don't want to do this just to have another child die" and he said "Physically, you are fine and healthy...medically, I see nothing to remotely suggest that you shouldn't be able to or try to have a baby...personally, I think you should try. The deaths, while terrible and unexplained which makes it even worse I'm sure, are unrelated. There have been many women in similar situations who I have seen and their next pregnancy ended well...that is the norm. You will get pregnant, be freaked out for a while, then be worried, then be freaked out again through the pregnancy...you will be watched like a hawk by both me and Dr. DM and then you and the baby will be fine. That is if YOU and your husband still feel that you want to have a child after what you've been through. So push away the fear, do the blood test, get rid of some stress, and I'll see you back here when you are pregnant."

Ummm...OK.

I'm sure on the screen he looks like a suck it up or get out of here kind of person, but he was absolutely wonderful, compassionate, and thorough. He was on the board that had to approve the cesarean after Jacob passed and remembered my case from then...so he had spent several hours searching the archives and my past records for something...anything to bring to me...he was great.

Now, I'm like OK Lord, I have just got to put this in your hands and let you work...For those of you who know me...that is way easier said than done...but in this case that is all I can do. I see no other alternatives.

There are those out there who don't think I should even consider another pregnancy, there are those who think I am selfish because I have a healthy kids (which on a side note is NEVER okay to tell a person who has lost children or who wants another child no matter what you think), there are some out there who pray daily that I will have another child and encourage us not to give up...and then there is me, who doesn't know what to do.

So, I am going to do nothing....I just have to give it up to the Lord...He knows the desires of my heart and He holds my future and the future of my family in His hands...it wouldn't matter what I tried...If it isn't God's will it isn't going to happen and no matter how afraid I am of being taken from my family if it is His will being more afraid won't stop it from happening. Our heavenly Father tells us that we aren't to live in fear and that we are to trust in Him and he will provide for and take care of us...

Now that we are back to square one...prayer, trust, and actively doing nothing to help or hinder conception is the path ahead...and we'll see where that will take us...tighten those laces 'cuz here we go!!

Have a Blessed Day!
April

Happy Father's Day..."Ubber Cool" Project Included

2010-06-18T17:35:00.000-07:00

Let’s give a great round of applause and big bear hugs to those amazing guys in our lives that hold dear the roles of DAD to us and to our children. Though at times they may drive us insane, they would be sorely missed if they weren’t here. To those who for any reason may no longer be here…you are very missed and loved.

So for this father’s day, I was trying to think of something to give my guy and had intended on getting him a leaf blower…until the reality of the dreaded BUDGET took hold and I realized that the $120.00 I needed just slipped into the hands of accounts receivable reps and out of my checking account. So, what to do now… as I sat in the Dr.’s waiting room flipping through a magazine and came across a super neat and inexpensive Father’s Day project… Dad’s Tape Measure. So this morning I made one (it only took about 15 minutes from start to finish) and showed it to my older boys (10, 12, & 13) who also thought it was “Uber Cool” and here is what we ended up with…

Interested??? Here is what you need:

• Mac N Cheese Box or other rectangular box

• Strip of paper cut to fit inside the box

• Markers (desired color/s)

• Tape or double sided tape

• Duct tape (desired color)

Here’s what to do…

1. Pour noodles and cheese packet into a Ziploc bag to make later

2. Cut box in half making two square pieces

o Reserve one half that looks like a square

o Cut other half into the shape of a triangle

3. Mark the strip of paper to look like a ruler

4. Write a message under the measure marks

5. Tape the paper to the inside of the square box so that it coils into the top of the box and the message can be seen when pulled from the box

6. Slide the triangle box into the square box enclosing the tape measure message inside…make sure to leave some of the paper hanging out so that it can be pulled out to reveal the message.

7. Cover the combined boxes with the duct tape both securing the two boxes together and covering the original box covering

8. Tape a soda can tab to the paper hanging out of the box so that it looks like a lip and can be used to pull the message out and also keep it from slipping inside the taped box. I used small pieces of duct tape to make a lip on the one that I made and it worked fine too.

9. Decorate the outside of the box as desired… I had my boys write their names and the year on the bottom side of the “tape Measure”

10. TA DAAA!!! Dad’s Tape Measure…a gift he’s guaranteed to keep in his hearts toolbox.

If my boys thought it was great; then I’m sure your kids will like it too and so will dad.

My instructions may not be the greatest so I found the link to the magazine article at Family Fun.

Have a Blessed Father’s day!!!

April

Thoughts of Tony...

2010-05-18T20:35:00.000-07:00

The following is a guest post from my husband, Rick, about his cousin Tony. Tony is struggling for life right now and we have all been praying for him so strongly. I have been trying to get Rick to write a guest post for some time and I am so glad that he has put his thougth about this special person on paper and decided to share it with Tony and all of us.

I'm proud of you sweetie!!!

My cousin Tony Cluck is in the hospital fighting a brave battle. He was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis when he was a baby. Last July at the age of 39 he received a double lung transplant. The last few days I have read a lot of messages and encouraging words that people have wrote about Tony and how he has impacted their lives. There is so many ways that I could tell you how he as impacted my life that it would take me writing a novel to tell every story, but I would like to tell you a few thoughts about him.

Although we would use this as an excuse why we couldn’t do things, Tony has never let it hinder him in doing what he has wanted to do. Complain, well I don’t think he even knows what that word means. I remember a trip our families took together to the Smokey Mountains. Tony and I went and recorded and song together at Dollywood. It was “old time rock and roll” by Bob Seger, I think we did a better job at it. My favorite time was when I was staying with him during the summer, and the first Batman movie was just coming out that weekend. I remember before the movie crusing around Gadsden in his camaro, I was on cloud nine that whole night.

Some people say that you cannot believe in something that you cannot see. This is true when they come to these three things, God, faith, and love. They claim that since you cannot see God then he must not exist, you cannot see faith it must not be possible to have it. And love, well it’s a shame if they have never seen love. I believe you can see these three things. I see God when I look outside and see the world that He has created for us to enjoy. I also see God when I read His Word. I see faith when I see prayers answered. Love, I see love when I see the cross where Christ took my sins upon him and set me free. I also see these three things in Tony. Love, I see love in Tony when a he takes his cousin (me) four years younger than him to watch the movie Batman with him. I see love in the way that he loves his family. Faith, I see faith in Tony that he knows God is in control, and is always giving him praise for the things in his life. I see faith when there is no doubt in his mind that he is safe in the arms of God, and he knows where he will spend eternity. As for God, well I see God through Tony. I could only wish that these people that claim that they have never seen these three things could know the person that I have always looked up to and considered to be my hero.

James 1:17 “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above…..” Tony is truly a gift from God that has touched every person that has had the privileged to know him.

Tony, I am praying for you daily!

Love ya,

Rick Cluck

Please join us in praying for Tony and his family.

Have a Blessed Day,
April

Ahhh Summer....Reading by the Pool

2010-05-11T08:43:00.000-07:00

As a little girl, I dreamed of having a family and living in a two story house with a white fence and a pool. Most of my childhood dreams did come true, but not in the ways that I expected them to and that's OK. But the one about my house was right on and one of my favorite things to do is to float in or hang out by our pool and read. I really, really love it.

Now with school coming to an end (CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES...COME ON!!!) and with my favorite past time just within reach; I am looking for good and new books to read. I am currently reading StepMonster and it is a great view on step-parenting from the perspective of a step-mother.

Up until now, I was more of a fiction book reader. I love the books that take you out of the real world and into fantastic world where anything is possible from magic carpets and love at first site to vampires and lycans. But as I grow up and am introduced to new experiences and situations, I am finding that the more topical and real life experience books are valuable too; especially, those where faith is involved.

So I am striving to broaden my reading horizons and have a book lined up for June, thanks to the Mom-tage. My friend, Dana, and her friend Holly have put together this great site with all sorts of things geared towards moms. Their newest endeavor is a monthly book clubs of sorts…check it out:

“The Mom-tage has teamed up with Zondervan Publishing to bring you monthly book chats with the industry's up-and-coming authors. At the beginning of the month, we will introduce the current month's book and author, follow mid-month with a guest post from the author, and then end the month with a book discussion with the author of the book in our chat room.”
Sign up before the end of May and you will be entered in a drawing for a copy of "Cold Tangerines", July’s book, and a drawing for 1 of 25 copies of: "The Bernstein Bears, God Loves You" !

Check out the site for more details and to register!!!

Thanks Dana and Holly for putting together this site…I plan to be an active member and to support you all the way.

Have a Blessed Day!
April

Hey There...If You're Still There...

2010-04-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

I pretty much feel like I've been posting gloom and doom types of posts lately and I can't really see how that can be a help to anyone...except me by venting and verbally stating the God knows because I'm not getting any comments...I think I may be all alone out here in cyber space blog world...but maybe you are out there and have been going through some of the same things...just don't give up...even if you want to just don't give up.

So to those of you who are still there...following...silently...I'm sorry if I've hindered your progress and for those of you who are still there...following...silently...I hope that you don't feel alone in your struggles...not only am I going through it...God has already been there done that and he's right beside both of us.

NOW...It is very obviously Spring where we are and I am itching to finish and start projects and I know that there are at least two of you, whom will remain nameless (DE and JH) who are very thrifty and extremely crafty that I hope to impress with my endevours...and to get some comments from.

Are we starting to see a pattern here??? LOL

Anyway, now that school is winding down, I hope to have more time to post and to post some fun and possitive things rather than just the tuff stuff.

So, let's get started shall we...here are a few pictures of my family, my parents, and my sister and brother-in-law's family...they were taken last fall by Kim Jones, a local photographer who is wonderful...please visit her site at http://www.photographybykimjones.com/.

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I'll Have Some Perspective with A Side of Humble Pie Please...

2010-04-03T20:52:00.000-07:00

So with everything that has been going on and getting worse by the way...I have found my naturally multi- tasking self becomming singularly focused on one thing and that one thing is the cause of upheaval and pain in my life and the lives of my husband and my children.

Then my husband ran across this...

http://spiritlessons.com/passionofchristpictures.htm

At this point Jesus had been "dead" for almost two days and was in Hell, where I like to believe he was informing Satan that God had already won and that all of his past and future efforts are futile...no matter what he tries or how long he is allowed or try...God still wins.

In a few hours, Jesus would rise from the "dead" and spend the next 40 days appearing to, talking to, eating with, and convincing US that He IS alive. He even allows Thomas to prove that His crucifiction wounds are real by placing his fingers in the wrist wounds.

Now He is ALIVE and preparing a place for me and for all of us who are called by His name. Christians, those who have accepted Jesus as their saviour.

What are the things that I am dealing with compared to the pain that Jesus went through? Nothing that's what...but Jesus knows what I and my family are feeling because he has already been there...He knows more pain than I can even fathom and He went through that pain for ME...and for YOU.

We are not alone and God knows why these things are happening and one day I will know too!!!

Have a Blessed Day!!!

Standing at the Crossroads...

2010-03-11T15:09:00.000-08:00

A small amount of time has passed since the loss of the baby and I must say that I had settled on the fact that nothing could be harder than loosing Jacob...I was wrong.

Now it is very possible that I am finding this particular situation harder to deal with for the following compounding reasons:

The possible finality that we may never have another child. Now some readers may think that this is ridiculous because together my husband and I have 4 children BUT keep in mind that only one of those children are with us all of the time and he is quickly approaching the dreaded I don't really need you anymore stage. And due to the circumstances and situations out of our control...I am no longer allowed to be a "mom" to the other 3 children, who I love very, very much. That in itself is extremely painful, but now the prospect of never being able to be a mom again is unfathomable to me.

I realized the other day while getting things ready for one of our children's 13th...yes 13th...birthdays just how much I LOVE being a mom. I love everything about it even the messy and painful stuff. I love being involved in their lives and doing those little things for them that no one else does and finding new ways to make their lives special...I love teaching them about the Lord and having them teach me about Him too. I LOVE BEING A MOM and I am not ready to give up or to walk away from the possibility that having another child is part of God's plan for us, that maybe He is saying Not Now instead of No.
The fear and uncertainty that losing this child was God's way of saying No. Two of my closest friends have said that they think we should stop trying for a child because they are afraid that something could happen to me and that is why we have experienced these losses. Another person thinks we should stop trying because we already have children. Even my husband and I, immediately after this loss said that we didn't think we could handle losing another child and what if this is God's way of saying No or of saving us from something worse...but how do we know??? Neither of us feel like this is supposed to be the end and when I think about getting rid of the baby stuff and letting go of that dream I feel such a panic inside that it literally feels like I am being ripped in two.
The fear and uncertainty that if we move on and do happen to conceive again that we would be out of God's will or that I lose my life. But to the contrary, the fear and uncertainty that if we do something permanent to prevent us having a baby that we will be out of God's will because it may be in His plan for us to have a child...just Not Now...again how do we know???
The unrelated family issues that have taken place over the last 6 months. This is such a point of stress and horrible pain for us and we feel so battered and bruised from it that neither of us knows what to do. How do you combat lies when even if you have proof you are not believed?? How do you absorb accusations, criticism, and chastisement from those who don't even know you or anything close to the truth of the situation? How do you find the stamina to constantly defend your family from accusations without reaching the limit and saying something that hurts the people you love and don't want to hurt, but who have no problem hurting you? Do you just cut off all communication and try to move on? What of the damage that this has caused the overlooked children...how do you explain anything to them without causing more hurt. God says we are to stand for the truth, but what if standing for the truth threatens to forever end relationships that you cherished???

So, as I look around and the four crossroads that stand before me and my family, I can honestly say that I know nothing. God has brought me and my family to a place where we have nowhere else to go but to Him. We are so broken that there can be no understanding without Him; there are no answers except from Him; there is no protection except by Him; there can be no forgiveness except through Him; there can be no healing except by His hands.

I am lucky enough to know Jesus and to have accepted Him as my savior; so I know that I can go to Him for these needs. I so wish though that He was physically present and that I could see Him and ask Him to tell me and my family what to do...that would be sooooo much easier than being unsure about everything. But that is what Faith and Prayer are for.

This morning my devotion spoke about asking God through prayer for the things that you need and desire. And it also said that if you are not receiving a definite Yes or No, then to keep asking in faith, believing that God will answer that prayer and show you the way to go...so I guess that for now, that is my answer. To kneel in the middle of these crossroads and keep praying and asking God to help us and to show us the way and to stay there, praying, until He shows us how to move.

Maybe you are there too and I am not alone in this struggle...since I am here, I can pray with and for you too.

Have a Blessed Day...

April

Thank You!

2010-03-05T06:17:00.001-08:00

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers.

I came through the D&C without any complications and that is a huge blessing. I'm still kinda woozy from the anesthesia, but it is getting better. I was still dizzy and nauseated even though they gave 5 different kinds of meds for that...nothing is ever easy!!

Anyway, God blessed and answered that prayer and I am sooo grateful for that...now we're praying for acceptance and mental/physical recovery.

Two of my great friends and my mom got me up and drug me out of the house for a walk yesterday. It was nearly 50 degrees and super sunny out and the walk did improve my mindset, so that was a blessing too. I've never had emotional issues like depression or anxiety, but this very well may have pushed me over the ledge...So I am determined to stay busy and keep my mind filled with the positive!!!

Rick took the day off today and we're going to get out of the house with my mom and just try to not think about things. To focus on upcoming events and projects that we have plans for...like getting back into my skinny pants!!!

We are at the point that we both think that the Dr. is going to tell us that we should not try to get pregnant again and in the here and now we both agree with that...it just seems too risky for my health and obviously the health of a baby. And I don't want to put our family through this again. My parents, sister, and friends we're all so excited that we were having a baby and now their hearts are broken all over again too...I just can't put them through that again. But on the other hand it is the loss or death of a dream that we have had together since we've been married...and that is very painful to let go. I am also overly concerned about how both of these losses have affected Trystan and the boys. All they knows of pregnancy is death and sadness and I don't want that for them...

I'm sure in time all will be revealed...God knows and will push, pull, and, drag us through this.

Have a Blessed Day.
April

Game Over...

2010-02-27T10:13:00.002-08:00

Yesterday, on February 26th, Jacob's would be 2nd birthday we were told that there was no heartbeat in the baby we have been expecting.

Really, what are the odds of the same thing happening to us a second time on the same day that Jacob died.

There are no words except we're done. In the last two years we have lost 3 children. Two by fate, one by her choice, and half of a family that we dearly lovethrough the ridiculousness of it all.

But again I say we're done. We're done trying to be everything to everyone and trying to live to make others happy while we put our thoughts and prayers on hold just hoping and praying for a breakthrough.

God has given us a family that he wants us to have, so we're done hoping to add to it and have decided to live for God and for the family he has provided us with. We have 3 fabulous boys who want to be a part of our family, the family and friends that God has provided for us here, the kids that I teach and the kids in the children's ministry that God has provided us. That is where God is directing our focus and that is where it is going to go.

I'm tired of the pain and the failed hopes that have plagued us the entire time that we have been married and I refuse to let it rule our lives any longer...maybe that is what God has been trying to tell us through all of the lost fights that we have put up, which were for other people...just let it go.

We aren't giving up on God. We are going to keep our eyes on the mark and move steadfastly towards the goal that He has set before us; hoping to one day hear "well done, good and faithful servant."

I do have one request. Please pray for my health and safety as I undergo the DNC procedure on Tuesday at 11:30. I am told that this procedure is extremely common but it does require general anesthesia, which freaks me out.

Have a blessed day,
April

Preparing for VICTORY!!!

2010-02-15T07:51:00.000-08:00

So the 12wk check up with Dr.E went well. I gained only 4lbs in 5wks, but my blood pressure was 142/80...not horrible but not great either. Dr.E chalked it up to me being nervous and said to check it every few days just to be on the safe side. The baby's heart beat was good after they finally found it...no joke that it took them 10 minutes...yeah like that is going to help my BP go down!!!

So after we get back to the van, Rick kinda gets on to me about being stressed out...Yes, I am a worrier, but generally I have a pretty positive outlook on things...or I used to. So in a very frustrated manner but not hateful I turned to him and said "Look just because you don't worry about anything, doesn't mean that I'm built the same way...I'm trying not to be stressed out, but you weren't in the Dr's office the last time that they tried to find the heartbeat and didn't, so back up a few steps and give me some time OK!" A bit harsh, yeah OK, but true...very very true. I mean how do you get that memory out of your head??? As soon as I walk through those doors every muscle in my body tenses up and that day just keeps running over and over in my mind...ridiculous I know, but I can't stop it.

So here's the kicker and don't laugh after you read it!!! Well I guess you can.

We were lucky enough to have had Luke and Hollan Bishop, some super great friends and devoted Christians, come up from Arkansas to speak at our church's Valentines Day Banquet on Saturday. They are great friends with our Pastor and his wife, Chad and Jenny Foster, and through Triple S Christian Ranch, we have been blessed to become friends with them too. So it was great to hang out with them on Sat evening and to hear Brother Luke preach on Sunday morning and evening.

So about 1/2 of the way through Luke's Sunday morning message, I was like man this is great. He was preaching on Psalms 118:24 and the message was today is the BEST day of our lives. We don't have tomorrow and yesterday is gone, so TODAY is the day that God has designed for us individually...wonderful message. I was thinking through the nausea that I was going to pray that God will help me will myself into a better mood about being sick all of the time and just be grateful to be where God has me right now (Phillipians 4:11). I was feeling pretty good about the message and not really being convicted about sin or anything...until...DuuDuuDuuuu (insert eerie sound here)...Luke gets to point 3.

We as Christians should be preparing for victory rather than loss...so many Christians prepare for bad news, then when something good happens they praise the Lord. Its the prepare for the worst and hope for the best mentality...OK could God have hit me in the head any harder...then right at that time guess who prods my shoulder...yep my loving husband. I look over at him and his HUGE smile and I told you so eyes...ugh. So there it was... conviction. Now what...how am I supposed to let go of the fear and prepare for victory??? During the invitation time I just stood there and balled and over and over I asked God to forgive my doubt and help me to prepare for victory and let go of the loss. I think I repeated it about 100 times hoping that when I lifted my head I would have a whole different perspective and all of the fear would be gone. But alas, the fear was there, but so was the knowledge that God will help me prepare for victory.

I was directed back to my favorite verse that was shown to me through my dad's bible that he carried in Dessert Storm...Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and He delivered me from all my fears."

So here is my mission...to prepare for victory. To take the steps necessary to put my trust fully in God that He knows what He is doing; that both the baby He has gifted us with, me, and our family are safe in His hands and He will keep us that way. The time to move forward is now.

Thank you, Brother Luke for being willing to be an open vessel for God to speak through you and in turn spark knowledge and understanding in me.

I'll keep you all posted on my march to victory, pray that I don't tuck tail and run!!!

Have a Blessed Day!!!

April

Just Keep Swimming...

2010-02-05T11:55:00.000-08:00

Thanks to mean people who create and deploy viruses, my computer has been non functional for several weeks; so I'm hijacking a few minutes at school to post an update and I'm not sure when the next post will be. I'm praying for the possibility of a laptop for my upcoming b-day, so we'll see.

Things are moving along...slowly. As of today, I am 11wks and 4days along and can only fit comfortably into 1 pair of regular jeans and 1 pair of regular dress pants.

This pregnancy is soooo much different that the last two. I am soooo sick, the nausea is unbelievable. I am not able to have either of my favorite things, coffee (or any caffinated beverage) or chocolate (actually anything sweet has my stomach rolling). I am having cravings, but when I eat what I was craving, it makes me sick...AND I am soooooo tired. I am a night owl, early for me is 11:30 to 12:00pm and I have been in bed and passed out by 8:30 almost every night. Oh and I can smell literally everything.

On the bright side, I am eating much healthier than I have before. I am able to tolerate water and lots of it, fruit, and just about any kind of veggie salad. I have switched to whole grain everything and now have a taste for almonds...plain almonds. Weird hu. But I still like the carbs...potatoes, stuffing, french fries...Hello lover!!!

One thing I am craving is a Subway Tuna sandwich, but I have heard that tuna has been linked to Autism. Do any of you know about that??

Yesterday we found out that another teacher at my school is pregnant, about 7 weeks. So just a little behind me, and for some strange reason I found that to be comforting as far as my fears are concerned. Maybe it's the strength in numbers thing...LOL...I don't know.

I am still having the afraid of dying issue, but I think I am coming around as things move along. the thought still crosses my mind, but I don't feel so panicky about it. But as I said before, I have had this fear since Jacob passed. I just keep reminding myself that women have babies everyday and both mom and baby are fine.

I am still in the cautiously optimistic stage but have set up a vote boy vote girl station in my classroom for my students to put in for what they think I am having. Rick and just about all of my family and friends think it Will be a girl; but I really don't care as long as we are both alive and healthy in the end.

February 26th is Jacob's would be 2nd birthday and we are going to have a graveside balloon release in his honor. Be praying about this as I want to but don't want to do it. We are going to fill balloons with helium and a salvation message; then release them on his birthday. Our hopes in doing this are for someone to run across one of the balloons and receive the salvation message in turn accepting Christ. And also to ensure that Jacob is never forgotten. I have found that as time passes, the physical wounds heal, and the reminders of him begin to fade. Like the picture on the wall that you walk by everyday but don't really notice. When there isn't an active reminder, it is almost as if nothing really happened. So his puts us in a place where we are choosing to actively remember him. I'm sure it will be difficult, but God will have His hands on us and it will be fine.

I am back to the OBGYN next Friday, the 12th for my 12 week check up and sonogram, so I hope to have more good news and pictures to share. But in case my pc is still down, I wish you all a wonderful Valentines Day and know that I think of you often.

Have a Blessed Day,
April

Thank God for Snow...

2010-01-10T12:05:00.000-08:00

Due to snow and super cold temperatures, school was cancelled this past Thursday and Friday...PRAISE GOD!!!

I love my job and my students, however challenging they may be, but little cashew is really kicking my behind. In other words the pregnancy and all of the accompanying "Fun" stuff is in full swing. But am I complaining...ABSOLUTELY NOT...well maybe a little. So I am grateful for the last three days that I have been able to do minimal duties and pretty much sit/lay around.

Before I move on, just a little sidebar. I was showing Tony the latest sonogram images of baby Cluck when he said "that kinda looks like a peanut or something". I responded "Yeah, I thought it looks kinda like a kidney bean..." Then Trystan in his laid back manner chimed in and said "or a cashew." Then Travis said "It would be kinda funny to name the baby cashew." We all laughed and there it is... so the baby shall be referred to as cashew until we either know the gender or maybe until birth...who knows.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. As I was sitting around and going about things like laundry that allow for intermittent breaks; I got to thinking about how excited and confident everyone around me is about this pregnancy and asking myself why I'm not feeling the same way. For example, Rick is ready to break out all of the baby furniture and set up the baby's room already and we have been given a beautiful high chair and bassinet already. Not that any of those things are bad or that I am unappreciative in any way. So what is with the Ughness that is me right now??

Now, it may have something to do with the constant flu like symptoms that have taken over my every thought, but it is more likely the loss of Jacob that has me in a cautiously optimistic state.

I can draw a definite differentiation between my last two pregnancies and this one so far...aside from the intolerable nausea and migraine like headaches; I wasn't worried. I think that when you haven't experienced a loss no matter how far along, you tend to just assume that if there's nothing going wrong then everything is fine...very logical. Yes that used to be me...NOW I'm like ok every thing's fine; until I go to the restroom and think please Lord, don't let there be anything red (Sorry...TMI). I am waiting for the shoe to drop. And here is the kicker...I'm really afraid that something bad is going to happen to me and Rick and Trystan will be left here to take care of each other...the thought is terrifying! Both of those fears are very illogical and not my normal train of thought, so I'm fairly certain that I may be going crazy. There is absolutely nothing going on that would point in the direction of anything going wrong, actually the sickness, however unfortunate it may be, is a sign that things are going right. ANd though I am on progesterone, I have had ZERO spotting, which is normal. Maybe I am going crazy...What do you think??? Those agreeing that I may be going crazy need not respond...LOL.

So, I am trying to force my way out of the worry and into the excited, but the nausea isn't really helping!!! It's like wearing a bright colored scarf with your outfit when your feeling blah. So here are my scarfs: I, of course, am praying for God to calm my nerves and fears...after all I asked for him to give us a child and even prayed specifically a child that BOTH Rick and I would be able to raise together in a loving and Christian home. God knows our prayers and desires and answers him according to His will...it is the His will part that leaves the loophole. AND I am living vicariously through all of those around me that are equipped with the positive pregnancy outlook. It doesn't seem like much, but that's what I've got.

Am I doubting God by worrying or in some way telling Him that I don't think He's strong enough to keep both me and the baby healthy and alive? I really hope not, because I know He is. So what is with this fear??? Do others who have experienced a loss or who maybe haven't experienced a loss, but have been trying for a long time and are finally pregnant feel this way too? Thoughts PLEASE!

To all of you who are trying to conceive or are currently pregnant...keep up the good work!!! I don't want anything that I post to scare or hinder you in your daily walk in anyway. This topic is just a topic that I am really feeling, but not with dread with curiosity and underlying hope.

Have a Blessed Day,
April

Blessings for a New Year...

2010-01-01T08:47:00.000-08:00

Wow!! What a way to start out 2010, by being able to share a ginormous (Yes, that is a word and I think I have full copyrights to it...LOL) blessing with you.

God knows. He knows the path he has set before me and you and as a close friend often tells me, He knows the desires of our hearts. Yesterday, the desires of my heart were realized...

Yes, I am PREGNANT!!!!

I know right!!! We're SOOOOO excited and yet nervously reserved; well I'm nervously reserved and Mr. Happy Pants over here is shouting it from the rooftops!!!

Without further ado, here is the proof that God truly blesses and answers prayers.

Now for the narrative...

So as my husband asked back in Sept. after the last negative test from the fertility specialists came back, we stopped trying to conceive...I didn't even track my cycles. The holidays were on the way, school was insanely busy, Tj's sports schedule was ever growing and we were successfully able to forget about it. Actually, I had given my maternity clothes to an expectant co-worker, and I was trying to convince Rick to take the baby bed out of storage and utilize the frame for a full size head and foot board. I had told him that we needed to come to the realization that a baby may not be a part of God's plan for us, so we needed to get over it, move on, and make a fresh start.

The shopping commenced as Christmas approached, arrived, and passed. And we had a great time with friends and family. On Wednesday, the 30th, we both had new patient appointments as we had decided to switch general practitioners. So as we're driving, I was asking Rick if he though they would request any weird tests and then it occurred to me that they were probably going to ask when the first day of my last cycle was...and I had no idea. Yes, me....no idea.

So we figured out that it was at Thanksgiving and that it had only lasted 2 days...so I counted it out and discovered that I was 10 days late. Rick says "I thought so...but I didn't want to say anything." and I was like "No, I must have the times wrong, cuz I'm having faint cramps...I'm sure it's nothing". But in my head I'm thinking Wow, things are starting to add up here...sever tenderness in the chest for several weeks, headaches, backaches, light cramping...but no nausea...but I didn't have nausea with Tj...I don't think I counted wrong...what if..."!

So we get into Dr. B's and Rick is seeing her while I am seeing the NP. Heather. She is super nice and takes my temperature which registers at 99.3..."Well, that's a low grade fever...are you feeling ok?" she asks. "Yeah, I'm feeling fine"; but on the inside I'm thinking...Low grade temp...another sign...HOLY CRAP!!!". Then she starts the slew of questions and of course asks when my last period was, so I told her the whole two day period thing and "Oh yeah, I think I might be 10 days late". So she says, "Lets go ahead a do a test." and I'm like "Ok, but it'll probably be negative...we've seen a fertility specialist and it is highly unlikely." So I do the test and while the nurse is working on it, NP Heather asks about Jacob, and as I'm explaining what happens the nurse comes in and needs to see the NP. This gives me the perfect opportunity to pray. So I did, I prayed so hard asking God to bless us with a child, and to help us accept a negative result.

I'm not sure how long she was gone but it seemed like forever. NP Heather comes back in and says "Sorry, I had to take a phone call." So I said "No problem, I hope everything is alright." Then she says, "Well, that depends on you... because THE TEST IS POSITIVE...YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!!!" and places the test strip on the exam table.

I said..."What!!! Are you sure???!!!???...OH MY GOODNESS...THANK YOU LORD FOR ANSWERING OUR PRAYERS!!!" It was so funny. She was so excited to tell me the news...I think she may have been more excited than me to find out it was positive. She gave me a big hug and said..."Let's go tell your husband...I bet he'll be really excited." Rick was leaving the room just as we were and we kinda saw each other down the hallway and NP Heather yells out "She's Pregnant!!!" and Rick Just smiles and says "That's awesome...I knew it!!!"...Then my nerves set in. You know, the nerves like I'm not going to the bathroom again cuz I don't want to see red, kind of nerves...yeah...fun fun!!

I had some blood taken to confirm the pregnancy and yesterday morning I called Dr. M (fertility specialist) to share the news and of course she wanted to see me ASAP to do a sonogram and her own blood work.

I get to Dr. M's toting my nerves in a backpack with me...I get into the sonogram room and she's says "Ok, let's take a look." So I of course turn my head and say "I'll look when you tell me it's ok." her response was "Then look, because there's your baby..." a moment of shock and awe as time stands still for just a second and I look to see the image on the monitor...

It' is pretty early between 5 and 7 weeks, so there's no heartbeat yet. Both the amniotic sack and the yolk sack are present and in great shape. She said that everything looks good and we may be able to see a heartbeat next week. She started me on progesterone suppositories to keep the hormone levels up and support the pregnancy and I am to go back next Wednesday.

After much prayer and some things only God could bring about, Rick and I have agreed that we are going to seek the services of a different OBGYN this time around. This decision was difficult, but we are both at ease with the decision and it has made our family members feel much more comfortable as well.

I am calming down and accepting that God is in control and there is nothing that I can do to stay pregnant if that is not his will so I have to give the backpack of nerves to Him and let Him carry it for me. I know that I have had one possibly two miscarriages since Jacob's death, but we were not able to see anything on the monitor, so this is far beyond where we have been and I am feeling encouraged and optimistic that this is real and will continue to produce a living child.

I didn't want to tell anyone, but Rick wants to tell everyone. He says that "people knowing isn't going to make things better or worse and the more people we have praying the better" and I guess he's right...so thank you for your prayers and you can mark this in your list as answered.

I will request that you continue to pray that my health and the health of this life in me will continue to grow and that we we will both be healthy and have long lives."

Of course this does mean that my weight loss resolution is on hold as I can't diet, but I will be exercising daily...so all suggestions for safe pregnancy workouts are welcome as well as healthy snacking and those can't live without maternity tips for clothing, hair, skin...you know anything. I am replacing the weight loss resolution with the stress free life resolution and will need your help...Oh and baby room suggestions are welcome too!!!

My next request is for my photography inclined friends out in blog world...This means you Dana and Jay!!!

In looking back on my time with Jacob, I am very regretful that I was too shy to step in front of the camera to track my Baby Belly...While I am still shy, I am determined to get over it and to memorialize as much as I can. I'd love some suggestions on poses and the like for pregnancy pictures if you are so included.

I had Rick take a picture of me to start things out, and next time he will have to make sure that my eyes aren't half closed and I don't have a half smile that makes me look half drugged!! It certainly isn't the most flattering picture of me, but oh well.

Have a Blessed Day and New Year!!!

April

New Year, New Goals, Same Me...

2009-12-28T05:40:00.000-08:00

Wow it's been sooooo long since I've posted and entry and I must say that part of the reason is a new found gun shyness to posting anything online...why this apprehension??? Well, it seems that no matter how hard a person tries to not offend anyone... someone is offended. While I don't like to offend anyone and do not set out to offend people purposefully, it does happen and I am sorry for that. HOWEVER, I have come to the conclusion through a lot of prayer and encouragement from messages that I have gotten from readers (who I had no idea were readers) wanting to know when I was going to start posting again, that through this blog I am able to reach people outside of my immediate circle on issues that I am faced with and with the possibility that I may also be able to share Christ with those people. AND that through the people whom I have met via blog world, I am learning such valuable lessons as well. Thanks Dana, Jay, and Lauren and BTW I 'm so sorry I haven't been present lately!!!

So on the top of my New Years Top Ten is to try to look at the BIGGER picture rather than the single red pixel that is trying to distract me from the rest of the image.

And without further ado...here are the rest... (WOOO HOOO you know how I love lists!!!)

See above statement...
To be present daily for my family in body and in mind.
To do a devotion EVERY DAY!!!
To evacuate this downward spiral of spending and significantly reduce bills.
To loose 30 pounds!!! I had lost 28 but gained 10 back over the holidays...sad face :-(
To return to my old ways of organized and purposeful living rather than random chaos that has been our life since well, Jacob's death.
To begin a prayer list and purposefully pray over those things at least once a week, but strive for every day.
Keep in touch with friends MORE...yes, this means you!!!
Forgive when it hurts so much to do so.
Remember that my life is the example where someone might be looking for Christ.

What is on the top of your list???

I recently heard that 90% of Americans make New Years resolutions and only 20% keep them...I really want to strive to be in that 20% this year!!!

Have a Blessed Day and New Year!!!

April

A Thankful Thanksgiving...

2009-11-26T05:17:00.000-08:00

It is early and me and the dogs and I are up while the rest of the house is still dreaming... I've been thinking back on a few things that have taken place over this year and Thanksgivings past and am awestruck in how things just keep changing...I've said it before and I'm saying it again...the dream or expectation of how our lives will turn out compared to reality is so eye opening and shows us that God is in control...we have free will...but only God knows...

With that and in remembrance of a tradition that Rhonda, my husband's oldest sister, started on my first Thanksgiving with their family...six years ago...I'd like to go around my table and thank those who have influenced my life...in no specific order just as you come to mind.

To God...Thank you for all of it...the good, the difficult, the grace, the love, and these people whom you have placed in my life...or me in theirs.

To Rick...I am thankful for your love. My whole life I watched my dad love my mom and dreamed of a love like theirs...the kind that others can see when they look at us while we don't know they're watching...you have given that to me and I hope that I have given that to you. Our friends joke that we are obsessed with each other and they pick on us for doing almost everything together...but I see that as them knowing that we are real, that we are bound to each other, and that it is us...in our bubble. In the end, after the kids are grown, the friends and family have walked out the door.. when it is just you and me...I will snuggle into you and feel your arms around me and you will know that you are my favorite... and I will thank God then, like I do everyday, for giving you to me. I Love you.

To my Dad...Super Man. I am thankful that you are the single most influential person in my life. Through your actions and expectations you have taught me strength, independence, loyalty, how to give love, how to receive love, never to quit, to stand and when necessary to fight, gentleness, pride, humility, forgiveness, and most recently levelheadedness...is that a word? I'm still working on that one. At one time, forever actually, I thought you unbreakable and all powerful, able to do anything and everything...somehow immune to the things that tear at the rest of us...like super man...then Jacob died and I saw you break. Through that I realized that you weren't unbreakable, but I also watched you, in your broken state, pick me, Rick, and everyone else up and carry us through to the other side and only when you knew that we were safe, did you allow yourself to be carried by God...no one else. I pray that I inherit that kind of strength too. God shows his strenght through you. You are amazing.

To my Mom...the engine that could...for a long time I didn't give you credit for your strength because you cloaked it in insecurity...I only saw untamed emotion. But you have taught me not to give up...to fight through the struggles...however unrefined and messy the struggle might be to just keep going. You are the tryer...is that a word?? You are the best example of the adage "learn from your mistakes". I've come to realize that my experiences with you growing up are in direct relation to the fact that you were in the process of learning how to do...well, everything...I know that sounds weird and possibly insulting, but what I'm trying to say is that I understand. Your childhood wasn't filled with the Betty Crocker cookbook memories or the Cleaver family holidays, so as I was growing and learning from you and dad, you were teaching yourself how to make those memories for us. Like the recipes, some turned out and some didn't, but you figured out what went wrong, then did it differently the next time, until it turned out good. I had a great childhood; thanks to you.

To Trystan...For being silly, smart, and stubborn. For standing for what is right even in the face of criticism. For your heart and the love that you give freely and the protectiveness you feel for your siblings and friends. For giving me something to look forward to as I watch you grow into a man. For loving your dad. For stepping out of your comfort zone and trying new things.

To Tonya...I am thankful that you make me play. You keep me balanced. Anyone who knows me knows that I am driven...and driven people tend to be too serious...fun suckers as you would say. You have taught me to relax, take it in, and have fun doing it, within reason. Thank God for you, because Trystan was taking on my more serious traits and doing it to the extreme. You and I also share a common bond through different issues that we have both experienced in our lives and I love you for that too.

To Jenny...for your compassion and your God first take on life. In almost every conversation that we have, I see how devoted you are to God first and how ferociously you strive to protect your family. That you want to please God and do what is right...and you do it in a way that doesn't make others feel that you are judging them or that your choices are better than theirs...you just love all of us and are so aware of others.

To Chad...for proving people wrong and being the best example of God's power to change. I am so inspired.

To Breanne...for not choosing me. Ok, I'll wait so that you can read that again. Yes, I said for not choosing me. In my driven state...I strive to be the best at everything I do. In my life, (I am not being boastful in this statement) I have pretty much accomplished that...until now. I have worked hard to attain the goals that I have set for myself and have accomplished most of them. By you not choosing me, you have shown me that no matter how hard I try and no matter what I do...I can't be everything to everyone. That is a hard pill to swallow,but now that I am faced with it, I am learning how to fail and how to bow out. This is called humility.

To Lea...for being you...for calling me at 6:00am and making me get up and walk...in the rain.

To Tony...for knock, knock jokes and fitting in Trystan's pocket.

To Travis...for being different.

To Dana...for a different perspective. I have truly cherished the conversations that we have had and the way that you open the box and urge me to step out of it. I love you.

To Kedra...for being a fixture in my life. Though circumstances have limited our time together of late, you are my longest standing friendship. I have been here for almost 15 years and you have been my friend for 15 years...that is a blessing to a person who moved a lot and didn't have the chance to make the lifelong childhood friends.

To Ronnie...for worrying about us and for saying things like "the law"... that still makes me laugh.

To Carrol...for the time that you told me that you had prayed for God to send someone to take care of Rick and the kids. And that you knew without a doubt that person was me and that you didn't have to worry anymore because you knew I would love all of them and take care of them.

To Tracy...for calling and checking on me so often after Jacob died. I didn't feel like an outsider then...I felt like a sister.

To Rhonda...for being a person that Rick could turn to in times when the one he was supposed to be able to lean on wasn't there for him. For having the presence of mind to step back and find a new role when we were married. For realizing that as his wife, I am that safe place for him now. That I am here for him everyday, loving him, and taking care of him and our family.

To Brittney...for telling me that I am making a difference.

To my Grandpa...I really miss you. I have a picture of you that was taken about this time last year. It is one of my favorites. You are standing by our fireplace with your coat and stalking cap on because you had just come in from the cold and you have the biggest smile on your face...I just love it. I wish that I had taken more time that Sunday before you left and that I had given you a bigger hug. I remember about a week before that, after Trystan had mowed the yard, you were telling us how proud you were of all of your boys, how much they had blessed your life, and how much you would miss them. I had told you how I wish that you could go to God when you get there and ask him if you could send us a message to take away all question and fear about the unknown and you said that you would work on that...then a few weeks later, you did. I was always told how much you loved grandma and how you said that you would never leave her. That night that you left...I think you did go to God and ask him if you could send us a message that everything is true, that we have nothing to fear, and then asked him if you could bring grandma and He said yes. So you did. You didn't leave her. As a Christan, I know what God says about heaven, but as a human I fear the unknown...you have taken that from me and for that and so many other things that I can't see through the tears to type, I am so thankful to you. And by the way...I am working out more now and my stomach is looking better; I tried the higher heeled shoes that you said to try and my heel doesn't hurt anymore; My face isn't breaking out like it did when it bugged you so badly, so if you have something to do with that, thanks and keep up the good work. Also, If you wouldn't mind giving Jacob or Jake, if he is already all grown up, a really really big hug for me and his dad, that would be great... Tell him that if I knew what his favorite food was that I would soooo be making it for him today.

Happy Thanksgiving to all and have a blessed day!!

Part Two...Beyond Reach and Beyond Caring

2009-11-07T00:51:00.000-08:00

The Solution…Return to Faith in God.

So close, yet so far away...or closer than we think...

Okay, so even when Jesus (God in human form) was actually in the presence of human kind and could be touched, heard, and hugged; crime and sin were still rampant. Because of the original sin that was brought about by Adam and Eve, all of us have an innate draw to making bad choices…but can we really use that as an excuse to allow the decay of morality in our youth??? In my opinion…NO. God gave us free will to CHOSE our actions and the tool with which we can make ourselves aware of what is right and wrong and how to live …the Bible.

I love how the Casting Crowns song The Word is Alive includes a message in which the speaker, Tony Nolan, summarizes the legitimacy of the bible in a way that is awesome and thought provoking…

“The Bible was inscribed over a period of 2000 years. In times of war, and in
days of peace; by kings, physicians, tax collectors, farmers, fisherman,
singers, and shepherds.
The marvel is that a library, so perfectly cohesive,
could have been produced by such a diverse crowd, over a period of time which
staggers the imagination.
Jesus is its grand subject, our good its design,
and the glory of God is its end.”

One of our friends and a great speaker/preacher, Luke Bishop, spoke at our church this past weekend and one of the things he said stuck with me…”People look at the Bible as a list of rules rather than as a list of opportunities.”

I think that this is where we, as leaders, teachers, and parents as a whole, fall short. We’re taking the easy way out. Instead of standing for those things that are true and right, we bend a little, then the next generation bends a little more, then the trend continues on and on until there is nothing but wrong remaining. And we bend when it counts…

“Oh, will it really be so bad for Jonny to miss church this one time, I mean, he
really wants to go here or do this or play this…one time won’t hurt.”

Then the next time, they remember that we gave and remind us and convince us to give again, thus perpetuating the cycle. And we give for the happiness of our children focusing, not the big picture, not with the intentions that the whole of society with take a turn for the worse…

I’m not saying that church in itself is what is important, believe me there are times when I absolutely do not feel like going, but...God is what is important. God, Family, Church…and IF God was first in our lives (mine included), wouldn’t we want our families to grow to accept God, love Him, and in turn obey His wishes…one of which is that we assemble as a body of believers to praise Him…aka…go to church.

I am also not suggesting becoming Hitler incarnate…I am a firm believer in choosing my battles and I absolutely feel that if you put a choke collar on your kids while they are yours to “train”, they are very likely to run wild when the collar comes off. But, I do think that we can reintroduce a sense of morality, truthfulness, pride, and love back into our youth’s lives by following or at least finding out what the Bible says about raising and disciplining our youth and actively applying it in our lives.

In my search to answer so many of my “Why…” questions that arose from the earlier mentioned string of events that have taken place in my family’s lives, I began researching what the Bible says about raising and disciplining children and I ran across a site where most of the work had been done for me (yeay!!)…and now I’m going to share it with you…

What does the Bible say about child discipline?
The Bible has a lot to say about child discipline, particularly in the book
of Proverbs. As early as Deuteronomy 5:16, God's will that children should honor
their parents is made clear. This command, when obeyed, is accompanied by a
promised reward: "Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has
commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the
land the LORD your God is giving you."

As good parents, we know our children are a gift from God - a gift that
comes with responsibility. Our job is to raise them with righteous standards
(Psalm 127:3, Deuteronomy 6:6-7). Child discipline, then, is not about punishing
wrong behavior as much as it is about setting a course. Proverbs 22:6 says,
"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from
it." Laying a good foundation is essential in raising loving, moral,
well-disciplined children.

First, let's look at what Biblical love is not:

It is not love to raise a child who lacks self-discipline and is controlled
by his or her desires, whether for attention, food, material demands and
entertainment, or seeking to gain something for nothing.

It is not love to allow a child to shrug off responsibility for his own
actions and not to accept the consequences of those actions. Nor is it love to
allow your child to manipulate, control, or justify his or her disobedience.

It is not love to carelessly or intentionally provoke anger in your
children. "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in
the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4).

Now let's look at what Biblical love is and the proper way to train and
discipline a child:

Love is actively training and teaching our children - diligently
(Deuteronomy 6:6-7)! Put consistent and loving effort into being an active
parent, daily.

Love is providing for your children's physical needs. (2 Corinthians 12:14)

Love is applying with faithful discipline (Proverbs 23:24; 22:15; 23:13-14;
29:15; 29:17). Discipline with consistency.

Love does involve the promotion of biblical teaching to your children early
(Psalm 34:11). The best teachings are by example. Children imitate what they see
more than they do what they're told.

Follow God's pattern, as He disciplines us, for our own good (Hebrews
12:5-11). Be steadfast in correction, yet giving encouragement and praise where
it is due.

The Word of God, found in the Bible, is said to be a blueprint for life. In
it, we are given everything we need to know about being a loving and responsible
parent. Parents must realize that undisciplined children who dishonor their
parents will eventually bear heavy consequences for their dishonor and
disobedience.

As parents who love our children, it is our parental responsibility to
correctly raise our precious children. If we disregard our responsibility to
teach them, we are ourselves being disobedient children, dishonoring our
Heavenly Father. He loves us, as we love our children, and has entrusted us with
their care. As a parent, child discipline is your most important
purpose.

I truly believe that we can be active participants in changing the path that so many of our youth are on by just employing the ideas that God presents to us in His Word.

In my experiences, I have come to know that we are watched so closely by those around us that even if we have limited interaction with youth, our actions, reactions, self presentation, and views are absorbed like liquid in a sponge by those around us. It is the behaviors that we send out that are attributed to us, remembered, and mimicked.

If someone was turning your life into a movie…what would they remember about you? How would they act out your behaviors? Would you want to watch the reenactments of yourself and your choices or would you high tail it in the opposite direction???

My answer...some days are better than others and I hope that they would see that I try daily to effect their lives in a possitive way and to push them to strive for higher ground rather than giving them more negative examples that only lead to a harder and darker road.

Just a thought… Have a Blessed Day!!
April

Beyond Reach and Beyond Caring...

2009-10-23T13:07:00.000-07:00

Previously, I have expressed some concern over the condition of today's youth in society...if I haven't done it here, I know I have had several conversations on the topic in real life and, in my opinion, this is a subject that should be burdensome to all of us, with or without children.

Before you read on...consider the following...I am not attacking children, teens, or parents, nor do I think that all is lost, but I am....well to be honest...I am searching for something and at this point anything that will allow me to positively influence the youth that I am in contact with (mine and yours).

My concerns are multi-faceted because I interact daily with youth of varying ages and in differing roles. Recently a string of events has taken place that have left me asking myself is it too late...are they beyond reach... or worse, are they beyond caring??

Listed in order of my time spent in that role, my interactions with youth are as a Mother, Teacher (7th - 12th grades), Youth Ministry Leader (2nd - 6th grades), and Friend.

Here are my major concerns...

Why do most youth feel that they have the right to lie, manipulate, falsely accuse, cheat, and destroy???
Why do most youth feel no remorse nor feel that they owe those that they wrong any kind of explanation or apology???
Why do most youth feel that they are entitled and innately deserve to be handed anything that they desire???
Why do most youth not fear....anything???

I have found that the easiest and most common answer to any of these questions is that they just don't have a good homes, parents, families, etc....I'm sorry, but that is a copout.

Before I began working consistently with youth I completely agreed with that generalized statement and as a parent I thought, well that exempts my kids because we love, care for, help, and raise our kids right....WHATEVER!!!

Now, as I continue to interact with youth from several variations of home life, social class, and in a professional or personal environment, I have come to the conclusion that while a poor home life and the separation of social class does have some effect on youth's moral development I do NOT believe for an instant that it is the main contributor. Why you ask...let me tell you...and yes, I'll put it in a list for you...I though you'd never ask.

I have seen a person from a loving home with rules and expectations that equally offer praise and encouragement, and who do teach their kids the right things accuse they're parent/s of abuse because...well I guess they just felt like it.
I have seen a person from a poverty stricken home offer they're lunch to a person who was hungry but forgot their lunch and had no money to get anything.
I have seen a person from a prosperous home put on a mask of strength to get through the days of people accusing her of thinking she is "better" than them because she won't participate in their "extra curricular" activities only to go home and try to pick up the pieces from a parent who is less than stable and very volatile...then wake up the next day and do it all over again.
I have seen a person from a prosperous home give the coat from their back to a person from a povertous home who was shivering from cold and have that person refuse it because it wasn't from a certain store and a person from a povertous home offer their coat to another and the other not take it because it was dirty.
I have seen a person from an obviously abusive home lie to protect the very person that is abusing them.
I have seen a person work so hard to achieve a goal, to be a leader, to go above and beyond for the betterment of their team only to be cast aside and the credit for their work given to a person or persons with little or no involvement at all.
I have seen siblings grow up in the same loving home with the same rules and the same expectations and be two people who could not be more opposite in their views, morals, and lifestyles.

Some of these things are personal and some of these things are observed...but no matter...it is from these examples and others that I am able to draw the conclusion that home life and social class do have an impact but are clearly not the sole factor in the degradation of the morals of our youth. By these examples it is clear that manipulation, lieing, hatred, jealousy, judgement, and love occur across all lines of home life and social class, so if those aren't the causes...what are???

I know that I don't have all of the answers, even if I like to think that I do...I don't and in this arena I am certainly at a loss. So after the onset of the afore mentioned string of events, I was having a conversation with one of my close friends on this very topic...imagine that. Her husband, just happens to be our pastor, interjected and said that he had just been reading an article or something about the differences in youth a while back and now. The excerpt that he read went something like this:

In the distant past children were often treated as slaves to their
parents and parents were like slave drivers...children were
considered contributors to the family's household and
were made to work, work, work for their parents. Now, the tables are completely
turned and the parents are the slaves to their children and are made to work,
work, work for their children. Children direct the parents where to go, where to
take them, when to do it, what to buy them, tell their parents what they will
and will not do, and how or even if they will allow their parents to discipline
them.

As I was hearing this, I realized the truthfulness of the statement. I do not feel that it would be appropriate fro my child to be a slave to me, nor do I feel that it is appropriate for me to be a slave to my child. Both statements are extreme and both are true...so where is the middle ground where parents hold the authority but love their children and teach them limits expectations, and love; and where children challenge but respect authority, learn their limits, have expectations of themselves, and love their parents? Is it beyond reach? Are both parents and children beyond caring? Where is the breakdown and is reconstruction even possible??

Come back for part two...but in the meantime I'd love to hear your take on this.

Have a Blessed Day!

April

Nothing Like a Baby to Bring A Family Together

2009-10-07T20:03:00.000-07:00

Yes, I said a baby...

Meet Sasha, our new baby girl...she is sooooo sweet and it's about time that I get to post some super cute, happy stuff here.

So here is how it went down...Rick has been hinting, well more like placing large signs everywhere, letting me know that he really wanted a lab puppy for about the last 6 to 8 months...while I, the realistic and logical one was thinking "hey I know who's gonna end up taking care of the puppy after the newness wears off...me that's who and I so don't have time for that" and employed the avoidance method. If I ignore it, maybe it'll go away and it worked...until last night.

I called my BF to let her know that I had a few things for her to pick up and she told me that she'd swing by on her way home from taking her son to look at puppies. A few weeks ago, their St. Bernard who was a bazillion years old, passed away. I was a bit surprised, but thought hey this could work for her son's birthday present as well...althoug I don't think she was intending to bring one home that night.

Later on she dropped by to pick up the items I had for her, so Rick was talking to her while I was showing the photo video that I created for the wedding reception this weekend to the bride when I hear ..."April, come down here...hurry...hurry". So I am rushing downstairs thinking that something bad had happened...and there it was...the new puppy and Trystan was holding her. Rick continues to excitedly tell me that the puppy is 1/2 Lab and 1/2 retreiver...an amazing mix of the two best kinds of dogs he assured me. Then as they are handing me the puppy and we are all cooing at it and loving the new puppy smell (seriously, I really do love the way puppies smell) he says..."AND their free!!!"

I had been pushed into the corner with the soft, fluffy, puppy and was being attacked with the pleads of the most important people in my life...what was I to say....so, I caved. An excited and victorious "Yes!" from both boys filled the air.

We got the number to the puppy person, called, they told us to come on out, and off we went...and here she is.

We're all having a great time with her, and the best part is that she hasn't had an accident yet!!! WooHoo...more good times ahead...praise God!

Have a Blessed Day!

April

What To Do Now???

2009-09-26T07:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I called Dr. M's office to let them know that I had started and the nurse then told me that Dr. M wants to double the clomid for this cycle and I was forced to tell her that we (and by we, I mean my husband) have decided to take a break for a while. I explained that even though we had only been seeing them for 2 months we have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year and a half. She was really great and said that she understood and that many couples feel this way after the first few months, then told me that if I happen to be late any month just call and they would order a pregnancy test for me.

They are so sweet over there. By far the most accommodating and hard working Dr.'s and nurses that I have ever been involved with.

So, I guess that I should feel relieved that I don't have to remember to take my temp every morning, and count days, and pee on sticks, and hold my breath for days to see if I'll be pregnant...but I'm not. After I told the nurse that we were stopping, I just wanted to sit down in the school's lunch room (that is the only place my cell works at school) and cry and maybe have a temper tantrum. Seriously, I just feel like Jacob died all over again....empty...hopeless.

God love my husband, I know he is upset about it too and then having to go to the cemetery for my grandparent's funeral and see Jacob's burial place right next to my grandparents didn't make this any easier for anyone. So I'm keeping these emotions to myself. He said that he has to protect me, which is very chivalrous...he's my knight in shining armor, and I love him for it...but I'm not ready to stop trying.

If this is an exercises in submission, I am determined to pass with an A, so I will wait because he wants to wait, but everything inside me is screaming out to keep going...the what if's are enough to drive a person crazy. So, I'll add another row of stones to my wall and deal with it myself and hope that this too shall pass.

Have a Blessed Day...

April

P.S. Lauren, I'm so sorry sweetie...I know exactly how you are feeling and I hope that you keep trying and end in success. God Bless!!

We'll Praise Him When We Win or When We Lose

2009-09-23T13:14:00.001-07:00

The test came back negative today...then 15 minutes later I started. We, well I cried, for about 5 minutes then got up and started moving. It just isn't God's will right now...and that's ok.

Do we still want a baby...of course; but our lives are not empty without one. We have each other and we have our family. God has a plan and when I prayed for His will to take place in this situation I meant it. Me being pregnant right now is obviously not in His will and I have to accept it and then move on.

Are we going to try the IUI again??? Not right now. The doctor told us that antibodies make it difficult to become pregnant, not impossible. Nothing is impossible with God, so if I am to get pregnant, I will, with IUI or not. If in the future we feel that we should give it another try, then we will, but not now.

Are we going to give up completely...um no. If you knew me at all and I said yes we're giving up, you would laugh in my face...Neither of us give up, but we are going to turn it over to God completely.

So, we will praise God when we win and we will Praise God when we lose. Today we lost, but God is still mighty, amazing, all powerful, and worthy of all of our praise.

Have a Blessed Day!!

April

Prayer Is A Powerful Resource

2009-09-22T15:17:00.000-07:00

I feel that a repeat of an earlier pray is appropriate at this time and must praise God when I realized that a particular portion of this pray has been answered. All of my medical exams came back as they should and I am healthy.

Thank You Lord for that answered prayer and please hear this prayer again.

Please God, forgive me of my many sins and help me to choose a better
path.

Please God, hear the prayers of my heart and take my fears away.

Please God, keep our family safe, together, healthy, and living for
you. Please God, don’t take me from my family.

Please God, fill the empty room down the hall with the gift of a
child.

Please God, show my children that the proper result of pregnancy is not
death but life. Don’t let their last experience of Jacob be their only frame of
reference that may scare them into never wanting a family or children of their
own.

Please God, fill the void I feel in my heart and in my arms with the gift
of a child. Please God, don’t leave empty the crib, car seat, stroller,
walker, swing, and bathtub that still lie unused in the loft of our garage. Fill
those items with a child’s coo, giggle, and cry.

Please God, give me the chance to see the look on my husband’s face as he
rocks our baby to sleep while singing a song, the smile on Trystan’s face as he
pick’s up a sibling so eager to be held, to see the smile and raised arms of a
child who just realized that mommy walked through the door; and let my ears hear
the ring of and excited “Mommy…” as a child runs to my arms. To see the healing
that will take place as my parents hold their grandchild and may it restore the
joy that they once held in you.

Please God, allow me to reach people with our story of Jacob, who is with
you; then allow me to be able to tell them of the blessings of the gift of a
child you sent to us after Jacob.

Please God, take away the feeling of uselessness as Trystan grows and needs
me far less than I need him. Take away the emptiness I feel when our house is
silent, void of the sounds of children.

Please God, help me to enjoy the new season of independence that Trystan
has entered instead of being consumed by missing his toddler days. Help me to
help him become the young man that you would have him to be.

Please God, help my doubt, my fear, and my impatience. Help me to remember
that my time is not your time; my ways are not your ways.

Please God, give me peace and joy in whatever result for my life that your
perfect plan holds.
Not my will Lord, but yours be done. Amen.

And thank you for all of your prayers in this matter. I am blessed to have such support in my life.

Have a Blessed Day!!

April

With GOD Nothing Shall Be Impossible...Luke 1:37

2009-09-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

The test came back and...I need to go back on Wednesday and get tested again IF I haven't started yet.

The level was at 5.3 and anything under a 5 is negative so this is considered borderline.

PLEASE PRAY!!!

Have a Blessed Day!
April

Cautiously Optimistic...Lord Calm My Nerves

2009-09-21T05:04:00.000-07:00

This was a rough weekend of which I will explain in more detail when the events come to an end, but today...today I am going to school and calling the doctor to schedule a blood pregnancy test.

God is hearing all of our prayers and maybe getting an ear full from both my grandpa and grandma who went home to be with our Lord this weekend.

Please pray that I do not start or spot, that I get the test and that it comes back positive, that I don't have a miscarriage, and that a healthy pregnancy will result in a healthy baby and mom!!! Oh and that I don't have a panic attack in the meantime...just thought I'd throw that in there too.

I am praying for all of you who are in the same boat that I am.

God Bless all of you and thank you for your prayers!!

Have a Blessed Day!

What is the deal...Seriously

2009-09-17T13:19:00.000-07:00

Just to let you know, this is a total vent session for me...and my feelings may be intensified due to the fact that I am tired and therefore grumpy.

Today, in one of my classes, I learned that a barely 16 year old in my school is PREGNANT. So again I ask, WHAT IS THE DEAL??? Even if I weren't trying everything in the doctor's power to get pregnant I would still be spitting fire right now. I mean what is with the world? Where are the parents? What is going on??? When is this going to stop??

I do realize that even with parental involvement kids will still make their own choices when parents aren't present, but @ 14 and 15 years old they should be worrying about getting their driver's licenses not how they are going to afford a baby and make it through to graduation. None of these kids, as far as I know, can afford their own cell phone, let alone a child.

Not only that but then when I had the girl in my class this afternoon, her friends were all like "Oh, I hope its a girl" and "Oh, look at your belly" etc...excuse me while I vomit.... So, of course, I pulled them aside and reminded them that the classroom is not the appropriate place to be discussing such matters, but what I wanted to say was not nearly that nice. The Lord was surely with me because if not I would have definitely let my opinions be known and would have probably gotten fired.

Last year one of the seniors got pregnant and downed a handful of BC pills to give herself a miscarriage and one of the juniors got pregnant and had an abortion. I am just really disgusted over the entire matter.

This type of behavior is effecting younger and younger children...CHILDREN...at some point the people in the generations are going to have to stand up and realize that the lives that their parents lived were not right and make better choices to put society back on track. If people would just open their bibles and read God's word and what He wants for us, how happy, safe, and content He wants us to be and just follow His requests, their lives would be so much better.

It just isn't that hard to do.

Be Carefull of What You Ask For...

2009-09-14T12:01:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I said that I hoped to keep busy to avoid obsessing about whether or not I am pregnant...God answered.

On Wednesday, my mom had her gallbladder removed. She was sent home and everything was looking good. On Friday, I received a call in the middle of my 6th hour class saying that my mom was being rushed to the hospital by ambulance. I literally hung up on him and called our Principal to come and cover my classes then took off running out my classroom door.

I was so scared that I was getting ready to lose my Mom and was worried about my Dad driving the 35 or 40 miles from work to the hospital. He loves her so much and I knew that He would be feeling large amounts of guilt for going to work even though she had been fine for 2 days since the surgery.

My Mom and I have never been super close, and we don't see eye to eye on many, many things, but in that 7 mile drive from my school to the hospital, I felt sheer terror at the thought of loosing her. I believe that something in me changed at that moment; a transition from childish grudge holding over stupid things that happened in the past to a mature perspective of in the long run none of that crap (excuse my language) matters.

It turns out that she was having a complication from surgery and bile was leaking into her abdominal cavity and causing excruciating pain - yes, she was being very vocal when I got to the ER. Thank God for my Aunt, who stays home and was able to be there when my mom called 911 and stayed until she was transferred to a larger hospital in Springfield.

So, really really long story short. They inserted a drain tube through her liver to suction the bile out and ease the pain. She is still in the hospital and will have a scope procedure and either a stint will be put in to link the bile duct to the intestine or she will have to have surgery again to repair the leak. So my dad, my sister and me have been running back and forth in shifts to stay with my mom since Friday. I took the day off to be there during the procedure that was supposed to take place today, so my dad could go and get things arranged at work so he will be able to stay with her when she comes home. But the procedure was postponed until tomorrow...ugh

Did the Lord stop there...nope...He wanted to make sure I didn't have time to think about things...my Grandpa, my Dad's Dad, has cancer and is not doing well. After being in the hospital for 2 weeks, he was sent home with hospice yesterday. He had a really bad day and night, and this morning wasn't much better. Now he is being transferred to the same nursing home that my grandma, his wife, is in. Is this it?? Will he ever come home again??

Please pray for my dad and his brothers. They are all very close to my grandpa and this loss is going to sever a portion of their hearts. As it is, I can barely look at my Dad if he ever talks about it for the pain in his eyes. Loosing Jacob was so hard, but I didn't even get to hold him while he was alive, I can't fathom what it is going to be like to loose a person who has been present your entire life, I think it will leave a gaping hole. We do know that G-pa is saved and will be returning home to Jesus and he will get to meet Jacob before any of us, but it will still be a huge loss to all of us, but especially to my dad and uncles.

In the midst of all of this I haven't really thought about the IUI or the fact that I could be pregnant, but I did manage to remember that I had to have a progesterone level test today to find out if I did in fact ovulate. Results are in and the nursed exact words were "April, your test came back positive and Dr.M said that you DEFINITELY ovulated." Ummm....OK...what does definitely mean??? I mean seriously, that's like saying the steaks are done or the steaks are DEFINITELY done...there is a difference. Did I have one really big egg or did I release multiple eggs??? Does that mean I had more of a chance of conceiving??? Hello...could you be a little more specific?? Of course I didn't say any of those things, but I was thinking them!!!

According to my cycle, I should start on the 19th, this Saturday. But the nurse said they will wait 2 weeks from the IUI procedure to do a blood pregnancy test, which lands on the 21st (two days after I should start), so PRAY that I don't start and the test comes back positive.

In the meantime, I'm not asking for any further occurrences to take place that would help me to not think about things. Tonight we have a sports meeting for Trystan, Tomorrow I have class, Wednesday is Church, Thursday I have my first test in my class...I've decided that I am busy enough!!!

Although, I am thanking God for showing me how important my Mom is to me even in the face of past hurts and future disagreements.

Have a Blessed Day!!

April

Please God....Let There Be Life

2009-09-08T15:45:00.000-07:00

So...I could be pregnant right now. Yes, right now.

It is hard to describe what is going through my head; but truthfully I'm trying not to actively think about it. But it is there, always, lingering...what if??

So, me being the freak that I am, and I know that I am a freak, I analyze every pain, feeling, and hunger and compare it to the last pregnancies. Like "Oh, my lower back hurts, it's probably pms...I'm probably going to start my cycle soon" or "Geeze, I'm really tired, maybe I am pregnant." By the way...my analyzing is done in my head so that my husband doesn't keep telling me that I can't let all of that stuff control me...so don't tell him!! That part of my personality really drives him crazy, but he loves me anyway.

I am already really busy, so I keep myself preoccupied without much effort and I think that is for the best, otherwise I'd be on swagbucks researching myself to death.

Please pray that this round worked and that I am able to conceive and have a full, healthy pregnancy that result in a healthy and living baby. My husband taught our Sunday school class this past Sunday and one of the thing he said is that prayer is the most untapped resource we have and I am asking you to tap into it!!! God knows the desires of my heart and the hearts of all of His people and His timing is perfect, so I will trust in Him and in His timing; I just wish I had His watch!!!

Have a Blessed Day,

April

Good Lord, Help Me to Remember...Joyfully

2009-09-04T16:24:00.000-07:00

My prayers of late have not revolved around a child lost or a child desired, but a man-child present. Trystan.

Trystan, Trystan, Trystan. WOW there is so much to say about my guy. I love him. There aren't even words to explain this...he holds my heart.

He drives me crazy. One minute he is asking how my day went while fixing me a drink at dinner time and the next he is bawling because he wants to do an assignment HIS way instead of the right way.

He is growing up to be a really good son, grandson, brother, and friend. He mows his Great Grandpa's lawn and tells him no when he tries to pay him for it. He hangs out with his big sister and his little brothers. He likes to go to lunch with his Grandma and fish and hunt with his Papa. He likes to fix things and wrestle with his Dad.

He still curls my hair in his fingers (like he did when he was a baby) if he is sitting by me while we're watching TV and he always calls me to say goodnight when he is staying at a friend's house...he even tells me he loves me.

He is soooo stuborn; but unyeilding in his beliefs and morals. He fights us tooth and nail about how things are supposed to be done and how he wants to do things, but he won't bend on his preferred bible even if they are using a different one at school.

Why all of this hulabaloo you ask...his first day of Junior High was last Thursday.

I know, right!! My baby...8lb 11oz, 20 inch long baby boy started Junior High AND he will be 13 in March. By the way, he is now measuring 5 foot even and will be nose to nose with me in only 3 inches!! Does anyone have a paper bag?!?!

Lord Help Me!

I know that all of you are laughing at me, and I am laughing too...NOW. But last Tuesday when I went to the orientation and met all of his new teachers, I thought I was going to have a panic attack and I cried the whole way home...seriously. But you'll be proud of me for what I did next...I sucked it up, put powder on to cover the tear marks, came into the house and told him how awesome Junior High is going to be this year. I saw the anxiety melt off of his face and he asked..."What do you mean?". Then I showed him all of the cool stuff that I got from the orientation. Then I waited until the next day to explain the new rules and work load!!
Needless to say the first week of school went off without a hitch. And on the second day he came home and told me how much he thinks he is going to like Junior High.

I guess I had built this milestone up in my head as some kind of doomsday. I kind of feel like my time is running out with him and if he doesn't need me anymore then what is my purpose??? I know, God will reveal that to me in His time, but while we are waiting, take a stroll down Trystan lane with me and you will see what I am remembering…and what I am so looking foward to.

I am blessed beyond all measure for God to have gifted me with this child, now a young man, as my son.

Have a Blessed Day!!

April

How long is too long???

2009-09-03T18:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, so as I am going to my college class tonight, I run into not 1, not 2, but 3 of my past students. This normally wouldn't be a bad thing, but as I saw the inevitable "Hey, Mrs. Cluck! Are you teaching out here? What's going on?" question coming; the feeling of impending doom set in as I had to, once again say "No I'm not teaching, I am actually taking classes....yeah I want to increase my certification level...ok, well, I better get to class...Have a great class and don't forget to study...bye"

Seriously, how embarrassing is it to be taking cl assess to earn a degree right along with the students that I taught in High School last year?? Thank the Lord that none of them are in my class, because I am pretty sure I would have to withdraw from the class!!

How is this possible...well, I'll tell you....I started out of High School at a communications company as a receptionist, then was promoted to a trainer. I trained state government and private companies on how to use their phone and voicemail systems. Then I moved to a technology training firm and became a Certified Technical Trainer. I took a huge number of tests on almost every program available and became a Master Instructor for Microsoft. Then I moved to a government office and became a network administrator, a fancy way of saying I controlled all of their computers. I also taught technology classes at our local community college for about 5 years. Yeah, I worked alot. I was a single mom for 6 years, so the extra money was needed. Then I was offered a job at a Career Center or Vocational Center teaching business classes to high school kids where I attained what is called a State Board of Education Vocational Teaching Certificate. The teaching certificate allows me to teach in a specialized field, meaning I can teach 6th -12 grade students as many classes related to technology as I want from accounting to graphic and website design, but I can't substitute for an English, history, or math teacher. Nope, I still didn't have a degree.

Then my position at CACC was reduced to part time due to funding, which was not good financially, and that is also the school year that Jacob passed, so when one of my friends called about the business and technology teacher opening at out local school district, I jumped right on it. I was hired and this will be my 2nd year at the school. I really love it!

So, yes I am a high school teacher with a teaching certificate and a ton of technical certifications, but without a "DEGREE". I don't feel that I am a bad teacher because of this fact, actually, I feel like I am better able to teach business classes having worked in the business world for so long before becoming a teacher. But I do feel lesser, personally, when I am in a group of my peers with 4 year degrees and I am not one of them and when my students ask me where I went to college and I have to change the subject. Hence my current enrollment in college. But really, when is it too late? At this rate I'll be trying to get my degree when Trystan, is enrolling in college or I might end up taking a class that is taught by a former student!!!

Lord, please light my path!!!

Have a Blessed Day!

April

Epiphany Altered...

2009-08-22T19:59:00.000-07:00

Alright, so maybe my epiphany was on the fanatical side...better to err on the side of caution right!?

This past Friday, I saw Dr. M to find out if I was pregnant, which I wasn't...sad face, then to have the endometrial biopsy to find out if the lining of my uterus is thickening enough to support the implanting of a baby. We find out about that next week.

After the biopsy, which I was really afraid of because everyone had told me how excruciatingly painful it was going to be but wasn't, I asked Dr. M about the studies that I had read on the Internet about ibuprofen. Here is what she said...

She has never read anything published in medical journals Which indicated that ibuprofen increased the chance of miscarriage that drastically, however, she does not recommend that her patients take ibuprofen around the time that they are ovulating because it can effect ovulation and implantation.

So, I plan to err on the side of caution and use the Epsom salt bath soak that Dana suggested and severely limit my ibuprofen intake. And I do apologize if I scared anyone half to death, but you saw the same thing I saw if you read the linked studies in my last post and I was scarred myself.

God Bless You All and Have a Blessed Day!

April

Epiphany...

2009-08-15T19:52:00.000-07:00

By definition an epiphany is a moment of striking personal realization or insight OR a manifestation of the Christ to the Magi (for the definition of magi…see the movie The Mummy – one of my personal favorites). Ok, so I am obviously not a magi – then I guess that definition number one must apply in this situation. But I am really leaning towards divine intervention!!

Last Thursday night, I was at my uncle’s house saying bye to my cousin Bobby, his wife, Shawna, and their kids, Kylie and baby Eddie. You may remember me mentioning that they were visiting from California in my Seven Down…Two to Go post. While I was there, Shawna said that it sounded like I was about over the summer cold that I had been nursing and asked if I had taken anything for it. In fact, I had broken down after 3 nights of no sleep, and taken some Tylenol Cold and Sinus (which did nothing) and on the fourth night of no sleep Rick was almost slipping Nyquil into my drink – apparently, I get a bit cranky when I’m tired. Anyway… Shawna, being a nurse, said that was fine as long as I didn’t take any Ibuprofen or NSAIDs (Motrin, Naproxen, Advil), just in case I am pregnant now and don’t know it. I know that it is not a good idea to take Ibuprofen while pregnant because it is a blood thinner and studies have shown that it can cause some pretty serious birth defects during the 3rd trimester. But, I didn’t really think anything more about the comment at the time and moved on to a new topic and of course playing with the baby while Trystan was coerced into playing dolls with 4 year old Kylie. It was hilarious and I am fairly certain that my son has a weakness for blondes because he is a pretty big guys guy and he wilted like a leaf when she smiled, gave him a big hug, and “please, Tistan” …but that is a different story.

After saying our goodbyes, we came home and went to bed. I actually fell asleep without a problem that night and didn’t even wake up when Rick kissed me goodbye before he left for work…it was amazing, I never sleep like that. At around 7:30am I sat straight up in bed, wide awake, with what can only be explained as an epiphany. You see, I have been having some pain in my right knee and left heel especially after working out, and since medications from the Tylenol family do not really work for me, I have been taking Ibuprofen. Probably since last November, I have been taking it to help with the inflammation and pain, once to three times a week on average, no big deal right…

So here was the striking realization… IF Ibuprofen is bad for you during pregnancy, could it have a negative effect on a person who is trying to get pregnant? I had never been told anything by anyone about not taking it if you are trying to conceive. I even looked on the bottle label to see if anything was listed there and I found the warning to pregnant women about refraining from using the product during pregnancy and the dangers associated with it during the 3rd trimester. So, I looked it up… God bless the internet.

Behold the epiphany was right on the money, hence my feeling that this may be divine intervention. I found several studies where Ibuprofen was shown to increase the chances of miscarriage. One of the sites can be accessed here. A miscarriage is defined as child loss before the 20th week, by my calculation that is not the 3rd trimester. Normally, the chance of women miscarrying a healthy and viable “embryo” aka “child” is 10-15%. These studies showed that the chance of miscarriage while taking ibuprofen increased to …are you ready…80%. Seriously, 80 %, that is an increase of over 65%. Ok, so does anyone else think that this information is kind of important …because I do?

In the third study I found by Otis, the organization that does all of the research on pregnancy and drug interactions, went further and stated that some studies have found that Ibuprofen has been found to inhibit (stop) a fertilized egg from implanting into the uterine wall. Um…ding ding ding we have a winner…the two miscarriages that I have had have been very early in the pregnancy…like I was only 4 or 5 days late and the pregnancy test came back positive, but when I went in for the sonogram they didn’t see and implanted embryo YET, which I was told is normal for that early of a time frame. Then a few days later, I miscarried. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like an implantation problem to me.

To be fair to everyone, there were other studies that found that there was no link between Ibuprofen and miscarriages and if any of you are reading this thinking “uh Duh, how could you not know this?!” then forgive me, but I didn’t know, nor was I told any of this information before I decided to look it up for myself.

So, in my guilt ridden state that my own ignorance could be the root of my inability to; I looked up the time period that Ibuprofen remains in the human body after ingestion. The answer is 12 to 24 hours and the dosage has nothing to do with the time period. I can’t remember the exact day that I last took any ibuprofen, but I know that it was right around the time that I first saw Dr. M, which was August 5th, so it should be well out of my system by now. And you can bet that I will be talking to Dr. M about this when I go in on Friday.

Have a Blessed Day!!

April

Summer In Review...

2009-08-14T08:35:00.000-07:00

Well, this is my LAST official Friday of the summer; I go back to work on Monday. Then my college classes begin the following week, so the frequency of my blog entries may slow to a crawl, but I will try to make at least one post per week.

My larger goals for the summer were to decorate Trystan's room, prep for the new software and accounting lessons I will be teaching this year, clean out the basement, and go on vacation. I accomplished one out of the four goals...going on vacation. But as I was looking back over the summer, I realized that far more important things than studying and painting took place. Friends and family took precedence over the mundane daily tasks. So maybe I'll have to cram a few chapters ahead of what I'm teaching and maybe I'll have to do 2 loads of laundry instead of one each day to make up for skipping a few days, but the memories and time spent with my kids, family, and friends this summer are far more rewarding to me than an uber-clean house (not that the house was really dirty).

Some of my favorite memories of the summer are:

Playing in the pool with Rick and Trystan. I love to hear my husband laugh and in the midst of all that we have gone through in the last year and a half it is an occurrence that takes place too few times. That day we laughed and laughed and laughed.

Meeting Dana on vacation. She has become a dear friend whom I value greatly, and her girls are so huggable and cute!!

Spending 10 fun filled and stress free days on vacation with my family.

Spending days poolside with Tonya and her daycare kids. She forces me to relax and set the intensity aside for a few hours and to remember that kids are kids, not small adults.

Cooking with Trystan. Those meatball subs were amazing!!

Starting this blog and meeting you.

Keeping Jenny and Chad's kids for a day. Swimming with all of them, watching them in a Wii tournament, and cooking with the girls was such a sweet reward.

Watching Rick play football with Tony and Travis.

Seeing the joy and accomplishment on Bre (14) and Trystan's (12) face as we loosened the apron strings a bit and let them have a little more freedom and independence. We let them go to the other side of town with a group of friends and stay out 'till dark on several occasions, and for the most part they checked in on time and were home on time too!

Watching Bre, Trystan, Seth, and Tony catch a wild mouse that was living in the wooden railroad ties on one side of our pool area. It was hilarious, they caught it after two hours of trying different trapping techniques, we released it, and then I think it packed it's bags and left 'cuz it hasn't been seen since!!

So, I put together a Summer in Review slide show for all to enjoy!!!

By the way, the Noodle Sprinkler Craft that Dana posted was a great addition to our pool time and the kids loved it!!

God has truly blessed me in so many ways. I need to remember the blessings that are amidst the trials and trust that God is true to His word and blesses those that believe and serve Him.

Have a Blessed Day!!

April

Seven Down...Two to Go

2009-08-11T07:57:00.000-07:00

Since my last post we have gone through seven out of the ten initial tests needed by Dr. M, our reproductive endocrinologist.

Yesterday, I went in for a secondary exam and ultra sound with Dr. M's associate Dr. G. During the ultra sound he asked if Dr. M had mentioned a Fibroid on my uterus..."um, No". He wasn't really concerned about it but did mark it on the picture for future review. He was able to get a picture of my left ovary, which Dr. M wasn't able to do and said that either I have a follicle getting ready to release an egg or I have a cyst. Again, he didn't seem overly concerned. But now I am. The next two tests will determine whether or not I have ovulated and IF I'm not pregnant they will take a biopsy of the lining of my uterus. I really don't want to do that test because I've heard that it really hurts plus I will have to take a day off of work, so pray that I am pregnant. Both of these test are scheduled to take place next week. If I am pregnant then they will give me progesterone to support the pregnancy.

For those of you who are wondering why I am seeing this doctor, it isn't just because we want to have a child, but to figure out what is going on with my body. It isn't normal for any woman to have several miscarriages, to only loose 5 lbs in 6 months while working out consistently, to suddenly have acne that just doesn't go away, to always be tired but never able to sleep, or to have stray hairs popping up. So my position on this is that even if we don't end up getting pregnant, I want to know what is going on with me and to feel better.

A very good friend of mine is more than sceptical about me going through these procedures and her reasoning is that maybe God doesn't want me to have another baby, maybe next time I will be the one who doesn't live. She has the ability to voice my internal fears... it is eerie. While I love this person very much and value her opinion, I have to somewhat disagree with her. I believe that God has opened this door for me to walk through whether it results in a pregnancy or whether it prevents me form having diabetes or reveals that I have endometriosis, I need to see it through. However, there is a point where Rick and I have decided to draw the line; we will not be looking into invitro fertilization nor will I take fertility treatments that will force my body to release multiple eggs. We have both prayed about it and that is where we will stop. Perhaps we would be willing to take those steps if neither of us had ever had children.

Over the weekend and after talking to my above mentioned friend, I seriously questioned what we are doing and even considered calling and cancelling my appointment for yesterday. Then I spent a few days with my cousin and his wife who are visiting from California. They have a four year old daughter and a six month old son, who was born only 2 weeks before the 1 year anniversary of Jacob's death. As I held and played with Eddie, I realized that I was not ready to stop trying. It was not a jealousy thing in any way. I was just comfortable, not uneasy or panicky, just at ease. Carrying him around while I was taking pictures, fixing my dinner plate, etc.. just the everyday things that felt natural doing with a baby on my hip. And then came the snuggling, you know, when they lay their heads down on your shoulder with their little hands gripping your hair and shirt. I just love it and it sealed the deal. I guess that Rick noticed too because he said later that he was "ready" and that he "wants this to happen just as badly as I do".

IF God has decided that we aren't going to have another child, then we won't, and we will have to accept that. I am ready for that possibility, but I also have hope and faith that God will lead me down the right path.

On a separate note, a few people made comments about how comfortable I was with Eddie and he with me, and that they couldn't believe how calm I was and that I wasn't upset. My other cousin's baby was born in March and I just found out about it literally on Saturday. People just don't talk to me about babies. It is ridiculous. Seriously, people who have lost a child aren't really likely to have a mental breakdown while in the presence of a baby or while hearing about someone being pregnant or having a baby. At least I'm not. It kind of drives me crazy that people treat me like I'm going to crack at any moment. Sorry for that side bar, but it's true. If you know someone who has lost a child, ask them if it bothers them to be around babies or to talk about pregnancy or babies. Maybe it will bother them or maybe it won't; but I bet they will appreciate you asking.

Have a Blessed Day!
April

Ready, Set, Go...No, Wait...Ok Go

2009-08-06T10:53:00.000-07:00

Two nights ago, after showering and washing off the day of Six Flags perspiration, I flopped into bed exhausted and ready to fall into a deep sleep. Alas, when I hit the bed all I found was restlessness, I could not fall asleep, and I hate that. I snuggled up in my favorite position next to Rick; with my head tucked into that nook area at his neck and shoulder, with his arms around me and ahhh…wide awake. I haven’t really slept well for the last year or so, but usually praying will help me to relax and I find that I fall asleep mid prayer; nope, didn’t happen. The culprit… August 5th, (imagine ominous music here) dududuuuu, Infertility Dr. Day.

I couldn’t stop thinking about what I would find out the next day. I was really afraid that Dr. M was going to examine me and tell me that I am forever more barren, that I have cancer, or some horrible and life altering diagnosis was going to be made. Irrational fear or cautious preparation, I prefer the second label, but either way, I wasn’t going to get the deep, restful sleep that I wanted that night. Instead I got the tossing and turning, up to the restroom 10 times sleep. Yay me!!

At around 6:00am I finally did fall asleep and dreamed. I can’t remember the whole dream, but I do remember that Rick and I were in the hospital with our new baby girl and I was attempting to nurse her, when the door opened and visitors came pouring in. I usually don’t remember a lot of my dreams and that is all I remember of that dream; but what hit me more than the visual was the sense of peace and lack of anxiety that I felt in the dream. Now, being the logical person that I am, I try to analyze everything and as we, Rick and I, were driving in to Dr. M’s office, I was trying to figure out if the dream was God answering my prayer or if it was the Freudian explanation of my Id expressing the strong desire to have another child.

By the way, my analytical tendencies absolutely drive my husband insane, so on this particular day, I decided to keep my thoughts to myself. I have been praying for the past year that God would either bless us with another child or that he would take the desire for a child away from both of us. Neither of us has lost the desire hence the trip to Dr. M.

We pulled up to the office and Rick looked at me and me at him and He said “Ready?” and I was like “Yes…No… ummm Ok” and we walked in together with solid resolve and determination…or something like that.

My husband’s faith is amazing, he is so strong in the Lord and just doesn’t worry; he just accepts that it is all in God’s hands. It drives me crazy and keeps me steady at the same time. I am so not that person. I have to constantly tell myself that God is in control and that He has us on this path for a reason. But where Rick stops and accepts, I keep digging for the reason.

This may be a long post…So here is what we found out…NOTHING. I’m not sure what I was expecting, I guess that I was expecting for her to look at me and through divine intervention be able to pinpoint the issue right there on the spot…instant gratification and unrealistic expectations, welcome to my life.

Don’t get me wrong, Dr. M was great. She was very thorough in gathering our histories and had already studied my file in depth. This made me feel like she was really paying attention and that we weren’t just another couple in a cattle call line. After gathering our histories she did a physical exam and internal ultrasound on me. She explained everything that was appearing on the screen and showed no signs of concern or approval (darn it). She was able to get great images of my uterus and right ovary, but my left ovary was not as cooperative and boy did it hurt when she was pushing around in there trying to get a good view. RED FLAG. After the exam, we went onto her office and I thought “OK, here it comes”, I may have even winced a little. She explained the 3 main reasons for infertility which are: 1 – Sperm Issues, 2 – Ovulation issues, and 3 – Scar tissue/Endometriosis. She didn’t divulge any suspicion of what is going on other than there is something that is preventing us from getting pregnant, Duh, but that it could be any number of things.

I derived from the information that she was giving us, from my symptoms, and the ultra sound that she suspects possible Insulin Resistance that can cause PCOS and possible Endometriosis on my left ovary. She also wanted to check for antibodies in Rick that are sometimes present after a vasectomy reversal. The antibodies essentially see the sperm as alien entities in the body and attach to the sperm disabling them from swimming. Apparently, sperm are kept hidden from the immune system and when a breach of the male reproductive system is made, say in the instance of a vasectomy or a reversal, the immune system becomes aware of the sperm and can decide to attack or ignore them. We also found out that work out or nutritional supplements that men use to aid them in gaining weight or building muscle, specifically containing any kind of testosterone booster will wipe out a man’s sperm count. I didn’t know that…did you? Guess what Rick takes!!!

Anyway, I found out that there is a whole lot more to getting pregnant than meets the eye and the plan is to systematically rule out possible problems one test at a time, but in a hurry, then wait and hurry again. Everything has to be done at certain points in a woman’s menstrual cycle.

THE PLAN:

1. Yesterday Rick and I both had blood drawn for the antibody test
2. This morning I had to rush a sample ala Rick back the Dr. M and have a fasting blood panel drawn from me to test for hormones, thyroid, and insulin resistance. We won’t get those results until next week. They will also combine Rick’s sample with the blood they drew from us yesterday to check for the antibodies and will complete a sperm motility test. Those results should be in this afternoon.
3. I started the Basal Body Temperature Chart today (day 10 of my cycle) and will continue to chart my temperature every morning before getting out of bed or even turning the light on. My temperature is supposed to drop on the days of ovulation and then rise until I start my next period. If I’m not ovulating (a sign of PCOS and Insulin Resistance) the temperature shouldn’t drop as expected.
4. I start using an Ovulation Kit tomorrow (day 12 of my cycle) and continue until the strip indicated a surge in the LH hormone that indicates ovulation. If the tests do not show a surge in the LH hormone by day 14 or 15, I have to call Dr. M.
5. Then they will perform a Post Coital exam, ultra sound, and blood pregnancy test, Pretty much I have to go in and have a pap test within 12 hours of intimacy. Umm Yuk!
6. IF I’m not pregnant by then, I will have an Endometrial Biopsy at day 26 pr 27 of my cycle, right before I am supposed to start my period. This tests the thickness of my uterine lining to see if it is thick enough to support a fertilized egg. If not I think they will start me on progesterone suppositories to thicken the lining.
7. More tests…to be continued

So, remaining true to my analytical tendencies, after church, I popped open the laptop and I researched the notes that the nurse took and tried to figure out what everything she told us meant. I hope I explained it well up above and provided the links to further answer any questions you might have.

I am not really confused, but I am more worried, and have more questions than I did before we went. For instance, if I have Insulin Resistance and have had it for sometime, do I also have the other serious conditions such as heart disease and will I develop full blown diabetes because of this? Will I have to take medicine for the rest of my life and if not will the medicine affect my liver increasing the potential for liver cancer? Will I have to take hormone therapy which also increases the chance for several types of cancer? As you can probably tell I am really scared of cancer.

Alas, through the research I have found that if I do have to take insulin medication, it is generally not forever and can be discontinued after loosing 5 to 7 percent of my current body weight. Apparently, maintaining a healthy body weight makes a considerable difference in how your body reacts to insulin and insulin has a direct effect on ovulation. If weight is kept at a reasonable level and I exercise regularly that will also keep me from developing full blown diabetes. One major symptom of insulin resistance is the inability to loose weight no matter how hard you try. The medication allows the body to absorb the insulin correctly therefore allowing the body to burn the sugar stores normally and in turn allowing the person to loose excess body weight.

So as it stands right now, we are on the path, to what end I have no idea, but again God has us on this path for a reason. Psalms 119:105 says “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path”. A few years ago I heard a sermon in which the preacher asked what happens when you are camping at night and hold a lantern up? The answer is that the lantern projects light out a further distance away from the base and allows the camper to see further or perhaps many different paths that could be taken. Then what happens when the lantern is placed on the ground near the feet? The answer is that the light is only projected out about a foot from the base allowing the camper only to see their next step. I think that the verse means that if we stay close to God through His word, he will show us where to take our next step; only one step at a time, but the right step. For us to refrain from lifting the lantern and trying to see too far or figure out, on our own, which way to go requires faith, trust, and the ability to surrender control of our futures. That is what I am struggling with right now. As I have said before, I had a picture in my mind of my life and so far nothing that I pictured has happened how I pictured it and that is because GOD is in control, I’m not. Realizing and understanding that God is in control is not the problem, accepting that fact and relinquishing the facade of control is the problem. Fear of the unknown.

So even though I don’t know what will happen or what we will find out, I know that I can talk to God and that he will hear me and take away my fears (Psalm 34:4). I also know that God has opened this door for a reason and that if I wasn’t supposed to see Dr. M then Dr. R wouldn’t have referred me to her. I choose to hold my lamp low and follow His path one step at a time.

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Have a blessed Day!
April

An easy way to toss the chemicals and go green...

2009-07-30T07:17:00.000-07:00

If you have read my profile on the sidebar, you know that I was inspired to take the leap and start blogging by Dana at Thoughts on Life and Dirty Diapers. Dana is an awesome person whom I am lucky enough to be related to (she’s my husband’s cousin), but since visiting with her and her family in June, I have really grown to admire and love her.

Since then, I have also been inspired to rid my home of as many chemicals as possible and go green. PLEASE don’t turn up your nose at the Go Green movement, I’m not a fanatic and neither is Dana. She tries to use as many chemical free products as possible while still being frugal and realistic. She is very down to earth…pardon the pun.

She has fought endometriosis for most of her life and those effects and symptoms have been largely alleviated through removing the chemicals from her home. Aside from that, who doesn’t want a healthy and clean home for their kids; and after reading an article on what kind of effects chemicals have on our children that can be found here, I was sold. Plus most of the natural and homemade products cost sooo much less than their chemical counterparts. If you have been teetering on this decision please read the following entries to her blog here and here.

So, go check out Thoughts on Life and Dirty Diapers, where Dana just happens to be holding a giveaway that might just kick start your chemical free home.

Have a Blessed Day!

Call To Prayer...A Mom in Need

2009-07-28T12:51:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like your world is going down an endless downward spiral?? I have, and for the past few days another mom blogger has been on my mind and in my heart. Her name is Emily and she is over at Mumblings from Troy Ohio.

I'm not sure how Emily found my blog, but she left a comment on my Why Ask Why post. From her comment I linked to her blog and started reading. What I found both touched and shocked me. See Emily had lost her baby girl, Leila, at 20 weeks and she was already blogging about what she was going through. It took me a year and a half to take that step. Emily has a husband and a little boy, Andrew, who are also dealing with the grief of loosing little Leila.

My call to you is to pray for her, send her a kind or encouraging word, let her know that she is not alone.

When I first "met" Emily, she was walking close to Jesus, leaning on Him for strength and there were glimpses of light in the darkness. But over the past weeks of following Emily, I am reminded of the many emotions that I went through right after Jacob's death and the fears of facing people. Of people looking at me and whispering to the person next to them, "hey, there's that lady who's baby died." I know too well how easy it is to let the darkness and despair come over you. The emotions are sometimes so overwhelming and it is so easy to just let the sadness overtake you and put you in a place where nothing else matters. She and her family need our prayers.

Emily, if you are reading this; here is my prayer for you...

Dear Lord, PLEASE hear my prayer for a friend that I have never met. I know that you are there with her and that you share her pain.

Please Lord, put your protective arms around Emily and infuse her with the strength that she needs. Whisper to her heart that you are there and that you hold her perfect Leila in your arms just as you are holding her.

Please Lord take her pain away and replace it with the knowledge that she will see her little girl again and with the hope that in time she will understand your ways. Let her know that she is loved and feel that she is needed.

Please Lord, lay it on other's heart to pray for her, to reach out to her and her family. Send her a person who will help her to laugh again as you sent those to me. Give that person the strength to pull her up by her bootstraps and show her how to walk again.

Please Lord, help her to overcome the fear and sadness that threaten to overcome her. Help her to open her eyes and look into the eyes of her family and know that they need her.

Please Lord, call her close to you that she may feel peace in a raging storm.

Amen

Psalms 34:4: "I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears."

Have a Blessed Day...

My Lord...Where there's His will; He will make a way.

2009-07-23T08:14:00.000-07:00

I had been raised catholic my whole life, but always had so many questions. As a matter of fact, I was kicked out of CCD (catholic bible study) when I was in 1st or 2nd grade because of my relentless questions. Hilarious...I know!

Anyway, when Rick and my dad became friends; they went on several hunting trips in Rick's hometown. On one particular hunting trip, Rick's family invited my parents to their church, Fellowship Baptist Church, in Galatia. My dad, being catholic his entire life was a bit apprehensive, but manners and a fear of hurting his friends won out and my parents attended the service. From that moment on, all of our lives took a turn down God's path or the path he had for us. It is from that point that we can almost make a road map of the happenings that brought Rick and I together as husband and wife. Most important of all though is that my dad accepted Christ, then Trystan, my sister, my mom, and last but not least me.

In the meantime, our family found our wonderful church, First Baptist Church of Morrisonville. We joined the church and tried to serve in whatever capacity that we could. Shortly after we joined the church Rick confided in me that he really felt like he was called to be a preacher and boy was I blown away. I was like "Hey, that's great for you, but I don't think I'm cut out to be a pastor's wife. But where you go, I go." After doing some research and speaking to a few pastors, Rick soon came to find that because of his divorce, it would be against scripture for him to be in the role of a pastor or a deacon over a church. Scripture says that pastors and deacons are to be men of one wife. Now, this can be interpreted in a different way because in that time it was common for men to have several wives, but Rick feels that the scripture is pretty clear...one wife = one wife.

I was disturbed by this because I felt that maybe he wasn't able to fulfill God's plan for him because he married me, but the wonderful husband that Rick is, comforted me and assured me that I am his chosen wife by God and it was his mistake by not waiting for me that has placed this restriction on him. Of course, I still felt bad about the situation but I really liked his answer. And together we accepted the restriction and prayed for a way to serve.

After a year of helping out here and there, Rick and I were asked to be permanent helpers in the Teen Youth Group. We have been serving and learning under the Asst. Pastor and his wife for almost four years now. While the teens are challenging due to the issues that they face everyday and the huge temptations that they struggle with, we were happy and contented there. They were all with us as we learned, when we lost Jacob, and as we continued on in grief. They saw us come out of it and find joy in what God has given and taken away. They were a very large part of our lives and we loved them.

About 5 or 6 months ago Rick began praying about serving in a larger capacity and being given more opportunities to teach God's word. I joined his cause in prayer about 3 months ago. I just really feel that Rick has such a burden for people and their souls and that he has so much to offer. We never mentioned any of this to anyone and we really had no idea how or even if this prayer would be answered. Since I started my blog, I've been trying to convince him to start one too. He is always coming home and saying that he preached a really good message in his mind. So I'm trying to get him to put the messages to electronic paper because you don't have to be a pastor of a church to preach a message that will help someone, but he hasn't taken the step yet. However, he did write a salvation message which we put into a brochure format. You will find the link to it on my side bar under "Are you sure where your eternity lies?" and it would be great if you would check it out and let us know what you think.

So last Sunday, when our Asst. Pastor came to Rick and told him that our Pastor had been praying for several months for a couple to take over the Kings Kids ministry, Rick automatically assumed the he and his wife would be moving into that role and the we would continue on helping whoever moved into the Teens role. So imagine Rick's surprise when Asst. Pastor said that Rick and I were the couple that had been brought to their minds several times over the last months. AND they wanted to know if we accepted the position if we could start the next Wednesday...yes yesterday.

Ok, so Rick was shocked and excited, but I was flabbergasted. Our Pastor has been sick with mono and had to have his gallbladder removed so has been out of services for going on 2 weeks, and when Rick told me that they wanted us to do the Wednesday service, I thought he meant just to fill in until Pastor returns to which Rick said "No, it would be our ministry...we would be taking over the Kings Kids Ministry...permanently" I just kind of sat there and tried to process the information. First I was like...you mean the smaller kids?? (If you don't understand why I say that, you should go back a read my last post!!) Then I said, "We, can't say No, God just answered our prayers". So we accepted the offer!!!

Don't get me wrong, it isn't that we weren't excited, but it just wasn't the answer that we thought we'd get. We really thought we would be with the teens and possibly take that group over sometime in the future. And it is a bitter sweet transition into a ministry of our own where we have control of ...everything from a role of limited control but great fellowship with Asst. Pastor & his wife and all of the teens. And it happened fast only 2 days before our first night and that isn't a lot of time.

Last night was the first night of us taking over and it went off without a hitch. There are normally 50+ 2nd through 6th graders, but we only had 35 due to the local town picnic / carnival. We had been warned that 90% of the kids are community kids and usually have not so good behavior. We had ZERO problems with the kids. They listened during the lesson, participated in all of the activities, and left with smiles on their faces. It was absolutely wonderful and Rick did a great job teaching the message. We also have several workers that are helping us pull everything together and make everything flow, so we are blessed in that aspect as well. If anyone has any tips, tricks, or fun activities to share, please leave a comment or e-mail me at rachicken@consolidated.net.

Last night, after we got home, I just sat on our bed and told Rick that I need to find a way to take the picture that I had painted in my mind of my life and how it was going to turn out and throw it out the window, never to be seen again. As of right now, the only thing that I had planned and that has come to pass is marrying a wonderful man. I didn't plan to have a child out of wedlock and be a single mother, or marry a guy with three kids who feels a need to be a preacher, or deal with an evil ex-wife, or apologize to said evil ex-wife, or to loose a beautiful child only 7 days before his expected birth, or to be blogging about said unplanned life, nor did I ever expect that we would be running a children's ministry. But I wouldn't trade this life in for the imagined life if I was given the chance...well maybe the evil ex-wife...but who's keeping track!!

Where God has a will, He will make a way. We never thought we would be able to handle loosing a child, we are handling it. We never thought we would work in a youth ministry, we did. We definitely didn't think we would be offered a children's ministry of our own, were were. And we didn't think that Rick would be preaching or teaching God's word, but he is and now he is doing it weekly. Where God has a will, He will make a way.

PLEASE pray that everything continues to go well. It is my experience that with change comes resistance and we have already met with some resistance since last night. The change took place very quickly since our Pastor is still recovering from surgery and isn't present in the church. And while we were not looking for a specific position to move into, there usually is a person or persons who have their eyes on a job or position if there is a future opening and ultimately they are either hurt or angry that they don't get asked to fill the position. That is a prime situation for Satan to work and cause a problems or even to split a church. So we are praying and I am asking you to pray that God's will is done and that the decisions are accepted even if the preferred notification process didn't take place.

I feel that God does have plans for us and that this blog and our new ministry will groom us and teach us what we need to know so that we will be ready when God opens His next door. Eventually, I hope that God opens the door for me to either write or contribute to a Christian book of some kind, that I may be able to speak and tell our story in other Christian venues, and that Rick would also be able to speak at conferences or as a guest speaker in other churches or Christian venues. I pray that these are desires that God has placed in my heart and that they are not self-serving. Starting this blog and seeing the response that has been shown has only encouraged me to continue to pray that God will open the doors for these opportunities to serve and to help others.

Have a Blessed Day!!

April

Excuse me...Eve, but I've got a bone to pick with you.

2009-07-20T08:49:00.001-07:00

SO, why couldn't Eve just see the slithering serpent for the snake that he was? Seriously, just say NO. We could have had perfect bodies, perfect cycles, perfect hormones, and no pain during childbirth, not to mention the opportunity to live in perfect harmony with God himself.

If you have read any of my prior posts, you know that my husband and I are trying to conceive. It has been a year and no luck. In October of last year I had a miscarriage and since January I have been tracking my cycles and taking notes on my symptoms during the cycle, just in case they would make different to Dr.R. And after reviewing my notes she said that she was 98% sure that I had had a 2nd miscarriage last month. I had figured that, but I did not take a test because, well I didn't want to.

Of course the primary reason for me wanting to attend this appointment is that I want know what is going on. I have never had any difficulty becoming pregnant before, however I have never tried to get pregnant before either. Both of my boys were a surprise and having only a 50% success rate in giving birth to a healthy baby, I am overly concerned that something is wrong with me. By making my symptoms known, perhaps I will be helping someone who is going through a similar situation.

At first, Dr. R, agreeing that something was off and said that I could go right to a reproductive endocrinologist (fertility doctor) or we could look into progesterone therapy. Progesterone is the hormone that thickens the lining of the uterus and holds a pregnancy, among other things. Then she asked about any other symptoms that were concerning me. To which I responded by telling her that I am tired, but have a hard time sleeping (I toss and turn and am up 2 or 3 times a night). Since Jacob's death, I have had acne, which I have NEVER had before. And...the worst of all...over the last few months, I have begun to notice that I have facial hairs...how embarrassing. I believe at that time I was ready to crawl under the exam table, but Dr. R is great and as soon as I mentioned the ...hair...her eyes popped and she said "I think I know what's going on here". Then proceeded to tell me about Polycystic Ovary Syndrome or PCOS. A hormone imbalance where one hormone is off which throws all of the other hormones off and ultimately your body stops ovulating or only ovulates sporadically. Usually women with this condition don't have periods during the months that they don't ovulate, but there is a small percentage of women who continue to have their period regardless of whether or not they ovulate. We know that I am ovulating at least part of the time because of the miscarriages, but my symptoms do match up to the PCOS symptoms.

I placed a link about PCOS on Women's WebMD a paragraph up, but I want to go ahead and list the main symptoms here:

Acne
Weight gain or trouble loosing weight
Extra hair on face or body
Thinning hair on scalp
Irregular periods. Often women with PCOS have fewer than nine periods a year. Some women have no periods. Others have very heavy bleeding.
Fertility problems
Depression

I have all but two of the symptoms, thinning hair and depression. I already mentioned the acne, facial hair, and infertility, but I also can't loose weight. Since January, I have worked out for four or five days out of the week consistently and really changed the way we eat and I have only lost five, yes five pounds. It is really ridiculous and extremely frustrating. I have also continued to have monthly periods, some very light and some very heavy; some on time and some early.

Since Dr. R can't definitively diagnose infertility issues, she referred me to the specialist and Rick and I agreed that we should see Dr. M on August 5th and find out exactly what is going on. It just seems really backwards to me that I have had two children and NOW I have to go to a fertility specialist. Logically, I can't find a reason for this to be happening, but MAYBE God wants me to be able to relate to a more diverse group of people in order to spread His message of life. I think that sounds good, and I'm gonna go head and go with that!

Have a Blessed Day!

What do you mean wait? Haven't you heard of INSTANT gratification?!

2009-07-14T05:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'll admit that I am not the most patient of women...I can hear my husband laughing at that comment...hysterically. I expect results and I like things to be completed and completed correctly. There's nothing wrong with that, right?

When I am in front of a class full of students, teaching, and there are a thousand questions, I have no problem with patience. When a student doesn't bring in their assignment for the 3rd day in a row; I had patience the first two days, now it's gone. When my children ignore me after I ask them to do something...no patience. When I have to wait on an item that I really want, patience leaves quickly. That is why I work with computers and technology...I hit a button and results follow immediately...no waiting required.

My husband recently taught a lesson in VBS about Abraham and Isaac and in his message he touched briefly upon how long Abraham waited for his promised son Isaac. God first came to him with the promise of Isaac when Abraham was 75 years old and Isaac was born when Abraham was 100 years old. By my calculations, that is 25 years. Wow, that is a long time to wait for anything, let alone a promised child. I'm not so sure that I would be able to hold out that long.

Though Abraham and Sarah's faith did not falter, their obedience and patience did, resulting in the birth of Ishmael...a child, but not their child and not the child promised of God. This disobedience opened up a whole new can of worms that I won't get into now...and I'd like to avoid any more drama in my life!

As I listened to my husband, I couldn't help but draw a parallel between the situation that I currently find myself in and what Abraham and Sara went through...with a few variances of course. God didn't come to me and promise a child that will produce many nations...Although I often tell my husband that I wish God would just come and tell me what to do, so I can follow His known will instead of fumbling around and messing things up. That would be so much easier!

Anyway, the most apparent similarity is that I am waiting for God to send us a child, and waiting and waiting and waiting. Why the waiting is so difficult, aside from Jacob's death, is that I really haven't had to wait in this area before. Trystan was a complete surprise and Jacob was wanted, but conceived way earlier than doctor's expected....see no waiting.

It has been 17 months since Jacob's death; we have been "trying" to conceive for 14 months, and I have had one confirmed but we suspect two miscarriages. So, what's the deal??? Why the wait??? Come on Lord, I am 30, the clock is ticking...and in rushes the fear. What if something is wrong? What if I can't get pregnant? I'm not ready to be without a child yet, I only have six active parenting years left with Trystan....Hold on, I need a paper bag!!!

This is where I have to catch my breath and TRY to turn to scripture...and then remember my husband telling me that God does talk to us, but we have to read His words to find His messages.

Psalms 27:14 says "Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall
strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD."

Psalms 33:20 says "Our soul waiteth for the LORD: he is our help and our
shield."

Psalms 37:7 says "Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not
thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who
bringeth wicked devices to pass."

So, maybe what is expected of me at this time is obedience. Obedience to wait on God. This is proving to be a difficult task for me. But really, I have no choice but to wait. Obviously, I can't make myself become pregnant or we wouldn't be having this discussion, nor would I be hyperventilating. So maybe it is the manner in which I wait or the attitude that I have while waiting that needs attention.

Though difficult at times, I can control what I focus on while waiting. I can push the negative thoughts away and lay my fears at God's feet. I can read God's word and PRAY. I can trust in God and His promises; and so can you.

Have a Blessed Day!

Mirror, Mirror

2009-07-11T12:40:00.000-07:00

Last night at 2:30am, because I can’t sleep …ever, I was up watching You’ve Got Mail with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. A very cute movie…anyway in the movie Hank’s character Joe Fox is in the midst of regretting a particularly mean comment that he made to Ryan’s character and says something like…have you ever felt like a relationship is bringing out the worst in you?

That one comment got me thinking and I realized that it is very possible that the best thing to happen to me has very possibly brought out the worst in my personality. But why??

If you have read my first entry, about Jacob, I briefly introduce our family makeup. But let me give you a little more background. I had Trystan soon after graduating from High School and was a single mother. I worked full time, put myself through school, bought my first house, and ultimately proved to myself that I was able to take care of Trystan and myself independently, but I longed for True Love. You know the kind that takes your breath away and you just know that he is your knight in shining armor. Trystan would sometimes, not often; but enough to make me cringe ask when God was going to send him a dad and me a husband, and I would respond to him by saying I didn’t know but we just had to keep praying. My parents were and still are very involved in Trystan’s life, so he by no means was missing a father figure, because my dad is absolutely awesome and filled that role in his life. But neither if us felt that our home was complete.

Rick entered our lives in the form of a friend of my dad’s from work when Trystan was 3 or 4 years old. Trystan absolutely loved him from the first time they met. My mom kept Trystan while I was at work, so often times Rick would be there eating dinner when I got home from work and came to pick Trystan up. So the extent of our interaction with each other was “Hi, how are you?” and “Fine thanks, how about you?” But my dad and Rick were very close friends and did a lot of guy stuff together. You know hunting, fishing, shooting bows, etc… Rick was still married at this time and I somewhat knew of his troubled marriage through my dad. But I was more like, wow he’s such a nice guy and that’s too bad, I hope things work out. As years passed, I remained alone; I went of a few dates, but nothing worked out.

I guess Trystan was 6 years old (I place events in a timeline of his life) when my parents convinced me to attend a camping trip at Rick’s parent’s campground. My parents and Ricks parents had met through Rick and had become very good friends. Anyway, that weekend is when I learned that Rick was separated from his wife and that due to indiscretions on her part, he had asked for a divorce. Please know that I had never had any romantic interest in Rick and actually avoided him like the plague because he was married and I didn’t want any part of something like that. But I did know through conversations with my parents that we had a lot in common, so when we were around each other we had many things to talk about like BASEBALL, music, kids, etc…but nothing more detailed than that.

Anyway to make a long story short, that weekend, he taught me how to drive a 4-wheeler, which is very fun, and once I got the hang of it, I took the drivers seat in front and he took the passenger seat. After I had driven us through the mud and many briar bushes, I came to an opening in the woods to a field that was filled with golden wheat or golden weeds, I’m not sure which, but it was really pretty in the afternoon sun. So I stopped the 4-wheeler and Rick noticed that I had a cut on my left arm from one of the briars. He no more than took my arm and with his thumb wiped the blood from the cut and I swear it was like the sky parted and the rays of God shone down you know the “aaaaaa…..” effect and I knew that I was going to marry him. I was shaken to my core, but I knew that this was the man God had chosen for me. I know it sounds silly but that is really what happened. He and I did keep in contact after the camping trip, but things were never inappropriate. He was officially divorced soon after the trip, and our relationship grew and we were married about six months later.

This relationship is the best thing in my life and I love my husband dearly. I love Rick’s kids and have considered them my own as he has done with Trystan. Last year, Rick adopted Trystan and we were all ecstatic. All four of our kids get along and three of the four are very close to each other. I have always made an effort to make sure no one was treated different and I never referred to them as step-children. I had worked hard to build a relationship with all of them and our daughter and I were very close. Rick and his ex share joint custody and have almost equal time with the kids. During the school year we have them every weekend and during the summer we have them during the week days, and holidays are alternated.

On the other hand, the side effects from this wonderful union of our families have not been absent and I believe that the constant “On Guard” status in my life has brought out the worst in me. In five years we have been through 3 court battles and rampages of difficulties have risen from his not- so- nice ex. It is a constant battle between our house and her house. Shortly after Jacob’s death, which was bad enough, his ex picked up the kids and without telling him or the kids moved them 3 hours away. Rick didn’t even know that they had moved until their school called and told him that they were no longer enrolled. I know … minus all of the extremely gory details, that is who I am dealing with.

Most recently, I discovered by following a trail of lies, that our daughter, my one girl that I had prayed to be close to and with whom I loved to share girl time, had been lying about me to her “real” mom and had been pitting us with lies against each other for quite sometime. Now, our relationship with all of the kids has not been without bumps as is the nature of dealing with two polar opposite households. One of which is a Christian home with rules and expectations and the other is absolutely not.

Over the past 5 years, through the obstacles of dealing with court, family criticism, persistent bad mouthing from his ex, and a constant supply of negative news from the kids, I have grown a real and obvious contempt for this woman. I have even openly voiced my severe dislike for her and her actions in front of the kids on several occasions. A HUGE mistake for which I have apologized for and asked forgiveness for from the kids. I am not without weakness and she is my thorn in the flesh for sure.

However, after my discovery of these really mean lies, I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I had been wronged, yes, but moreover, I had wronged this woman by really hating her for reasons that I was no longer sure were true. What to do…now. Obviously my relationship with our daughter is all but ruined as I cannot trust her and my heart is broken at the loss of this relationship that I prayed for, for so long. But the next thing I did was to remember something that my pastor and friend had shared with me about a month earlier and that is that it doesn’t matter what other people say about us as long as we and God know that we are in the right. I am not responsible for what Rick’s ex says about me or what our daughter says, but I am responsible for my actions and reactions towards those people.

So what I did next was maybe the next hardest thing I have ever done, aside from losing Jacob. I called Rick’s ex and apologized to her. Yes, you read right. I apologized to her for my actions and reactions to information that I received regarding her. Whether true or not, my actions, words, and thoughts about her were wrong. I did explain what I had found out about our/her daughter to which she replied “I know, she’s been doing that for a long time.” Okay, well …even if the outcome was not what I had hoped for, I did what was expected of me by God.

Since then, which was only about a month ago, I still have not received an apology from our daughter, nor do I expect one any time soon, and I am trying to put the anger, betrayal, and bitterness of the past 5 years behind me, but I am having a difficult time with it. So, how do I replace the worst aspects of my personality, like the competitiveness to be the best, the judging my house compared to her house, and the me against her mentality to rest?? That I don’t have the answer to, but I am working on it…any suggestions would be appreciated.

Through this continuing experience, I pray that all of our children will wait on God to show them their true mates. That they will not have to deal with the devastation of divorce in their own relationships and so that their children will not have to deal with the repercussions either.

Please God...

2009-07-08T08:48:00.000-07:00

Please God, forgive me of my many sins and help me to choose a better path.

Please God, hear the prayers of my heart and take my fears away.

Please God, keep our family safe, together, healthy, and living for you.

Please God, don’t take me from my family.

Please God, fill the empty room down the hall with the gift of a child.

Please God, show my children that the proper result of pregnancy is not death but life. Don’t let their last experience of Jacob be their only frame of reference that may scare them into never wanting a family or children of their own.

Please God, fill the void I feel in my heart and in my arms with the gift of a child.

Please God, don’t leave empty the crib, car seat, stroller, walker, swing, and bathtub that still lie unused in the loft of our garage. Fill those items with a child’s coo, giggle, and cry.

Please God, give me the chance to see the look on my husband’s face as he rocks our baby to sleep while singing a song, the smile on Trystan’s face as he pick’s up a sibling so eager to be held, to see the smile and raised arms of a child who just realized that mommy walked through the door; and let my ears hear the ring of and excited “Mommy…” as a child runs to my arms. To see the healing that will take place as my parents hold their grandchild and may it restore the joy that they once held in you.

Please God, allow me to reach people with our story of Jacob, who is with you; then allow me to be able to tell them of the blessings of the gift of a child you sent to us after Jacob.

Please God, take away the feeling of uselessness as Trystan grows and needs me far less than I desire. Take away the emptiness I feel when our house is silent, void of the sounds of children.

Please God, help me to enjoy the new season of independence that Trystan has entered instead of being consumed by missing his toddler days. Help me to help him become the young man that you would have him to be.

Please God, place your hands on my Dr. as she examines me and reviews the last year’s activities. Please let the result be that nothing is wrong with me, that I am healthy, and that I can conceive again and give birth to a healthy, living child that will be raised by both parents, together, in a loving and faithful home.

Please God, help my doubt, my fear, and my impatience. Help me to remember that my time is not your time; my ways are not your ways.

Please God, give me peace and joy in whatever result for my life that your perfect plan holds.

Why Ask Why???

2009-07-04T12:57:00.000-07:00

Recently, one of Rick's co-workers lost his 3 year old son, William. Long story short, I prayed for the courage to go to this woman, whom I didn't know and somehow help her. When I did, this woman literally grabbed a hold of my shoulders and begged me through her tears, to tell her how she was supposed to do this - how did I still breath??

Intense....yeah a little!!

But these are questions that I get asked often and here are my answers...

- I simply refuse to ask why.

Rick took the week after Jacob's death off so that we could be together and because I was recovering from the c-section and wasn't supposed to do much. The week went well and we definitely needed that time. But the Sunday before he was to return to work I had a complete melt down. I am not by nature a crier, nor do I usually loose my wits, but that day I did. After we returned from church, I curled up in bed with a picture of Jacob and sobbed myself sick refusing to speak to anyone. I kind of went into a downward spiral of hows and whys. And in the process I managed to scare Rick so much that he took a second week off of work - Poor Guy. Once I regained my composure, I realized just how much I had disturbed him and the kids and that is when I refused to ask why.

In the hospital, I kept telling myself and everyone else that God had a reason to take Jacob. I'm not quite sure if I was trying to put others at ease or just trying to convince myself - but never the less it is true. There is a reason.

""For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My
ways,” says the LORD." Isaiah 55:8

There is NOTHING I could research, remember, somehow find logic or blame in, that will change what happened. I refuse to torture myself and my family by asking why. Besides, as time passes I can see good things that have come of Jacob's death.

- I focus on the husband and children that are here and need me.

The day we returned home, babyless, from the hospital; I cried at the site of a room void of baby paraphernalia and thanked God that I had decided to leave the car seat at home that horrible day. But when Trystan walked in from school and said "Hey, mom..." like he always does, it just clicked with me that HE needed me more than I needed to break down. So I gave him a huge hug and said a silent prayer thanking God for giving this precious boy to me. Then I asked if he had any homework. ;-)

- I asked my husband not to leave me alone.

Not physically, but emotionally. This was a large step for me because I usually internalize things and try to deal myself. But more than anything I needed Rick and I audibly asked for him. I needed to know that I wasn't going crazy and if I was that I wouldn't be alone when I got there! I needed to know that he was feeling something similar to what I was feeling. Thankfully, he answered. So many relationships are torn apart by loss. That is not what God wants and I refused to allow that to happen to us.

- We leaned completely on God.

I remember sitting in the bathtub night after night and Rick sitting beside the tub reading scripture, then us praying, talking about all of the ways God was providing for us through others, and wondering what good would appear through Jacob's death ...and yes, I made a list!!!

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." James 1:17

Shortly after Jacob's death, one of my best friends, who I had spent 3 years praying for, came to me and wanted understand why I was able to continue in faith after losing my baby. I showed her and that night she accepted Christ as her savior. BECAUSE OF JACOB'S DEATH.
Rick and I gave new meaning to the saying anything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger. BECAUSE OF JACOB'S DEATH.
Our children saw and still see how we relied on God through the pain. BECAUSE OF JACOB'S DEATH.
Several of the teens in our youth group shared with us that the were contemplating leaving the group because of peer pressure or that they weren't sure if the whole "faith" thing was real until the watched us loose our baby. And because of our actions, they knew we were real as was faith. BECAUSE OF JACOB'S DEATH.
Because of our experience, Rick's co-worker, who's son William passed away, came to him with many questions including how he could see his son again. Right there at work, Rick pulled out his bible and showed him some verses at which time he accepted Christ as his savior and now knows that he will be reunited with his son in heaven. BECAUSE OF JACOB'S DEATH.

There was a reason...actually there was more than one.

Have a Blessed Day,

April

Faith Makes ALL Things Possible; Not Easy...

2009-06-30T17:37:00.000-07:00

Have you ever said to someone, "I can't imagine..." or "If that happened to me, I don't know what I would do..."? I have, and thank goodness for most of us that our "I can't imagine..." scenarios aren't usually waiting around the future corner. However, for some of us, including me and my family, the "I can't imagine..." really happened.

My Husband and I were married in November of 2004. The two of us combined to form a family of six which included my husband, Rick, myself, his daughter Breanne', our son Trystan (whom Rick adopted), and his sons Travis and Tony. Of course we weren't crazy and had no intentions of adding to our family, I mean would you do that?? We had enough on our plates; aside from the fact that due to issues from his previous marriage, Rick had opted to have a vasectomy.

I had never been married before and as time passed, I began wanting to have a child with my husband. I tried to reason with myself that it wasn't logical and even wrote out a pros and cons list (I know what your thinking...and yes, I may be a bit obsessive). Anyway, it wasn't just me that was feeling the baby bug, even the kids were asking if we could have a baby. So after much deliberation, research, and prayer, in April of 2007, we decided to make an appointment for a reverse vasectomy.

The procedure went well, but we needed to go back in July to see if the reversal was a success. We were also told that if the procedure was successful, we shouldn't expect to conceive for at least 8 to 12 months. Great, we had time to plan. In early July, yes only 2 months later, we found out that I was pregnant. Can you imagine how surprised and excited we were? I promptly called the surgeon to let him know that he could mark us down as as success.

Like every mom, including you, I came armed with pictures. This is our baby at 8, 20, 25, and 32 weeks. With Trystan, I knew - I mean I really knew - that he was a boy. With this one, I knew that we were going to have a girl. At the 15 week sonogram, when the baby wouldn't cooperate and Rick swore that he saw proof that the baby was a boy, I was still sure that we were having a girl. At the 20 week check up, Trystan and my mom came along, and we found out that the baby was a boy...I was more than a little surprised.

I remember thinking when we were in the sonogram room and Trystan was there, he was 11 at the time, how awesome it was that he was so excited about the baby. I specifically remember him watching the monitor and the baby kicked. Trystan's eyes were huge and he said " Hey, the baby just moved...did you see that?" and then he looked at my ever enlarging belly and said "Whoa... can you feel that??" It was hilarious. Just his amazement of realizing that God had created a real person and that he was inside my stomach...alive and moving. To have him there and to be able to witness his realization of that fact was incredible.

Jacob William Cluck was expected to arrive on March 9th, 2008 and I was hoping to have a natural birth after experiencing an emergency c-section with Trystan. Things were progressing as expected and on February 10th, 2008, my mom and our church held an amazing baby shower for us. I was so overwhelmed, I didn't know what to do. God had surely blessed us through our families, church family, and friends. By the way, whoever said that pregnant women are always beautiful and glowing was crazy...I am not a pretty pregnant person. If you don't believe me just look at the picture above. I could barely sit up to open all of the gift!!!

Rick was so excited after the shower that the next day, he unpacked and constructed the crib and we HAD to get all of the bedding out and ready just in case Jacob decided to arrive early. I swear it was Rick's idea. The next night, February 12th, we met at our accountants office to get out taxes done and I began having contractions. They didn't hurt, so I figured they were braxton-hicks and continued on. As the night went on the contractions became stronger and very regular, so when we got home we started timing them and then at about 10:00pm they stopped. Jacob was still moving like crazy, so I figured everything was fine. That Thursday, the 14th, The contractions returned, but were much less intense. I called my doctor's office and they told me to time them for 30 minutes and to call them back. After only having a few contractions in the assigned amount of time, I was free to go on about my business.

I really didn't and still don't know the difference between real contractions and braxton-hicks, because with Trystan I was two and a half weeks past due and never had a single contraction. So on Friday, February 15th, I was 35 weeks along and very, very ready to have my baby, I called the doctor again with the "contractions". This time she wanted me to come in to be monitored. The monitors confirmed that I was having regular and moderately strong contractions. The doctor sent me to the hospital for further monitoring and assured me that we would make a decision later that day. Of course, I called Rick and he came rushing from work to the hospital. He was very excited and really thought we were going to be having a baby that day. We sat in the hospital, laughing and listening as our boy was playing his version of Rock Band in my stomach...typical boy. To our disappointment, the doctor decided to give me a shot to calm the contractions in order to allow Jacob's lungs a few more weeks to develop, but she wanted to see me again the next week. She warned us that Jacob's movements would probably start slowing down due to lack of roaming room, but I had strict orders to call if anything seemed at all strange or if I was worried about anything.

The next Friday I went in and was worried because as the doctor said, his movements had slowed down considerably. More than I thought they should. They ran another sonogram in which Jacob had to perform sever tasks within a 15 minute period. All of which he successfully completed in 10 minutes... may I say that I was very proud...maybe he would be an over achiever like me. After all of the happenings in the past weeks, the doctor decided to schedule a c-section for Monday, March 3rd, just 14 days away. So I was sent home with a clean bill of health for me and Jacob.

Later that night, I started feeling swollen, not unusual for a 36 week pregnant woman with a family to take care of. Don't get me wrong, my husband is amazing, he really helped out with everything, but I am not one to just sit around and be waited on. Anyway, the swelling worried me because I had developed toxemia and preeclampsia during my first pregnancy. By Sunday, February 24th, my arms had swollen so much that they barely fit into any of my maternity shirts. Jacob was moving fairly steadily, but Rick and I decided that I needed to call the next day and get into the doctor. I remember Trystan asking why I needed to go to the doctor again and Rick explaining to him that everything is probably fine but that we don't want to take a chance of something going wrong. Then Trystan looked at us and said "That would be so horrible, we have been waiting for him for so long and he is supposed to be here in just a few days." We all agreed.

Monday morning I was a the doctors office by 9:00am and was sitting in the waiting room reading a magazine when Jacob gave an uber kick that popped the magazine up off of my belly and made me and the ladies at the front desk laugh. Just minutes later I was called back to the exam room and was ready for the doctor to come in an say "lets go have a baby". The doctor had a new nurse that came in to take Jacob's heart rate and she told me that I was her very first patient. I was thinking, boy I hope that everything goes well on her first day. So when she didn't find his heartbeat, I didn't panic, I reassured her that he was probably just moving and she went out to get the regular nurse. I knew the regular nurse well, and she usually got the sweet spot on he first try when others couldn't. I was a little worried when she didn't hear the heartbeat either, but she said "no worries, we will just go to the sonogram room". So we did. I got myself up onto the sono bed/chair with the help of the nurse and technician - I told you I was swollen - and waited to check out my little man. The technician applied the warm gel, flipped on the machine, and then flipped it tight back off. Then she asked the nurse to go for the doctor. At this point, I was very worried. I mean, what was going on did they have a power outage or something, because the lights in the hallway were still on. Surely, a generator would support all of the rooms and not just the hallway, right? Then my doctor came in and they turned the sonogram machine back on, at which time the doctor turned to me and said "April, I'm sorry, I don't know how to tell you this, but your baby's heart is not beating.".....silence.

I don't remember a lot directly after that except telling the doctor that I didn't understand... I mean he was really kicking out in the waiting room, even the receptionists saw it, and asking her if she was sure. I think that she said that there may have been a cord accident and at some point I remember calling Rick at work, and telling him that Jacob was gone, that he was fine and now he was just gone and then handing the phone to the doctor. My goodness, what he must have been going through.He still hasn't really told me what happened. I don't think I mentioned that Rick and my dad, uncle, and brother in law all work at the same place; so at least he wasn't alone. The doctor told me that he and my dad were on their way and took me back to the exam room.

I was crying of course, but I wasn't really flipping out and having a mental break down or anything. I just remember going back over everything and trying to figure out what happened... we still don't know what happened.

When Rick and my dad got there they took me to the hospital and I was induced into labor to try to deliver Jacob. After 24 hours of nothing except an epidural and lots and lots of family and crying; the doctor determined that my pelvis is too small to support a vaginal birth and because c-sections are only performed when the mother or baby has some medical trouble, which neither of us were at that time, she would have to get approval from the hospital board to perform the surgery. Of course she had to go to the board, nothing could be normal for us. Abnormal is our life theme!!!

This was Tuesday, February 26th, and I distinctly remember Rick, my dad, and Rick's dad kind of cornering the doctor and letting her know that the surgery would not wait another day, because February 27th is my birthday and they weren't going to allow this to take place on my birthday. As if they could have forced her or the board to do the surgery right then, God love em!! I also remember that the only time that I slept was when Rick was reading from the Bible. Through that horrific situation, God was there, and he helped me to rest.

After the doctor had gained the approval, I was prepped for surgery as was Rick. I remember asking the doctor if they could knock me out, because this was a memory that I didn't want to have. They couldn't knock me out but she assured me that I would be really, really medicated.

Sometime after 6:00pm on February 26th, 2008, Jacob William Cluck was delivered via c-section. I remember Rick being there and knowing when he moved away from me. I remember asking him if they were sure that he was really gone and him telling me that they were sure and I remember many other things that I can't yet write or talk about.

I didn't know if I wanted to hold him afterwords. I kind of had a vision of him and I wasn't sure how he would look, but Rick assured me that he was perfect, and he was right.

To this day, I don't know how my dad told Trystan or how Rick told the kids. I know that Trystan wouldn't leave my side until I was out of surgery and he knew I was ok. I remember the kids coming to the hospital to see us and staying until after the surgery. We didn't allow them to see or hold Jacob because we didn't want that to be the last memory they had of him. We wanted them to remember them feeling him kick and talking to him through my belly.

I can't say thank you enough to our parents who took care of everything from funeral arrangements to packing up all of the baby things in the house before we got home. That allowed Rick and I to be together, not separated by duties, during the most difficult days of our lives together, thus far.

It has been a year and a half since that day and there are so many things that I left out, I figured that you would want to sleep sometime in the next few days. But the main thing is that neither Rick nor I know how we got through the roughest days. We know that it wasn't by our own strength that we got out of bed and took care of our children and each other, or how we were able to walk into church the Sunday after his death and funeral. It was God. It seemed as though God was saying, "Ok , I am going to keep this child. I know that this is going to be rough for you, but I will provide you with everything that you need to get through this, if you will just let me." That may seem strange, but it is true. Everything that we needed was given to us, love, food, support, even our financial needs were taken care of. All we had to do was lean on God and each other.

Things are not perfect and not everyday is a great day, I think we both think of him and miss him every day. I have a lot of fears now of something happening to Rick or one of the kids and our son Trystan reminds me almost daily that I need to loosen the strings and that he is going to be fine, I mean his is 12 after all. Boys...

My hope is that through our experience and through our sorrow and happiness, someone else will be helped or encouraged. That we can put our lives out here so that others can see that there is life on the other side of loss and so that people will know that Jacob was real, that he did live, that he will be remembered.